1 Michael All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good How are things at the library?

1) Michael All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good How are things at the library?
Jim Oh, I told you I couldn't close it. So
Michael So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?
Jim Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael All right Well, let me show you how it's done
Michael [on the phone] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please Yes, hello This is Michael Scott I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. [quick cut scene] All right Done deal Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar Oh, I’m sorry OK I'm sorry My mistake [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so She had a very low voice Probably a smoker, so [Clears throat] So that's the way it’s done
Michael I’ve, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager If you want to come through here See we have the entire floor So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see This is our receptionist, Pam Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for., forever. Right, Pam?
Pam Well I don't know
Michael If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago [growls]
Pam What?
Michael Any messages?
2) Pam Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Pam You haven't told me
Michael It’s called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
Michael People say I am the best boss They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before You're hilarious" "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up I found it at Spencer Gifts
Dwight [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump urn pum [Imitates heavy drumming] I have no gifts for you Pa rum pump urn pum [Imitates heavy drumming]
Jim My job is to speak to clients on the phone about., uh, quantities and type of copier paper You know, whether we can supply it to them Whether they can pay for it And . I’m bonng myself just talking about this
Michael Whassup!
Jim Whassup! I still love that after seven years Michael Whassup!
Dwight Whassup!
Michael Whass upl
3) Dwight Whassup
Michael [Strains, grunts] What?
Jim Nothing
Michael OK All right See you later Jim All right. Take care.
Michael Back to work
Jan [on her cell phone] Just before lunch. That would be great
Michael Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all Jan Levinson Gould [walking out of his office] Jan, hello I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I'm not But, urn Yeah
Jan Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael Urn Me no get an agenda Jan What? I’m sorry?
Michael I didn’t get any agenda
Jan Well, I faxed one over to you this morning
Michael Really? I didn't [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning?
4) Pam Uh, yeah, the one.
Michael Why isnt it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, nght? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet
Michael Yeah, that was a joke That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and It was supposed to be wrth bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan Do you want to look at mine?
Michael Yeah, yeah Lovely. Thank you.
Jan OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch
5) Michael OK
Jan Michael, don’t panic
Michael No, no, no, no, this is good This is good This is fine Excellent
Jan No, no, no, Michael, listen OK Don’t panic We haven't made We haven't decided
Michael All the alarm bells are kind of going... nngie-dingie-ding!
Jan I’ve spoken to Josh in Stamford I’ve told him the same as you and it’s up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael OK No problem
Jan This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Michael Me no wanna hear that, Jan Because downsizing is a bitch It is a real bitch And I wouldn’t wish that on Josh's men I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men Or women, present company excluded Sorry Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
Michael Question How long do we have to [Telephone rings] Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep Do you mind if I take it?
Jan Go ahead
Michel Packman
Todd Packer Hey, you big queen
Michael Oh, that’s not appropnate
Todd Packer Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
6) Michael Uh, I don't know what you mean
Todd Packer I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Oh, my Godl Ohl That’s horrifying Horrible Horrible person
Jan So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. Michael No, absolutely Under this regime, it will not leave this office [zips his lips] Like that
Phyllis So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley Well
Oscar You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing
7) Angela I bet it's gonna be me Probably gonna be me Kevin Yeah, it'll be you.
Pam I have an important question for you Jim Yes?
Pam Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Jim Yeah, stop That is ridiculous
Michael Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them I don't see the point of that As a doctor, you would n tell a patient if they had cancer
Michael Hey Ryan Hey.
Pam This is Mr Scott Michael Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan Ryan Howard from the temp agency Damqua sent me down to start today Michael Howard, like Мое Howard Three Stooges Ryan Yup.
8) Ryan Yup
Michael Watch this This is Мое Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck Mee! (hold hand up for a high five] Ah, nght here. Three Stooges Oh, Pam Ifs a guy thing, Pam I’m sort of a student of comedy Watch this Here we go [Yelling in cod German] I’m h'tler. Adolf h*tler. [Continues with cod German]
Pam I don’t think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might I don’t think it’s many little girls’ dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations Um... Mostly watercolor A few oil pencil. Urn, Jim thinks they’re good
Pam Dunder Mifflin This is Pam
Jim Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you nght back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight What?
Jim What are you doing?
Dwight Just clearing my desk I can’t concentrate
Jim It’s not on your desk
Dwight Ifs overlapping Ifs all spilling over the edge One word, two syllables Demarcation Dwight You can’t do that Jim Why not?
Dwight Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim [crosses fingers] We’ll see (Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] This is why the whole downsizing thinq just doesn't bother me
9) Dwight Downsizing?
Dwight Downsizing? I have no problem with that I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Pam You just still have these messages from yesterday
Michael Relax Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important Right Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it [Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect]
Pam What?
Michael Come on Six-Million Dollar Manl Steve Austinl Actually, that would be a good salary for me, donl you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan I deserve a raise.
Pam Don't we all?
Michael I'm sorry?
Pam Nothing
Michael If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR OK Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. [Sighs]
Michael I think I'm a role model here I think I gamer people's respect [Imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP
10) Michael People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely Bono And probably God would be the fourth one And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it’s really beyond words. It's really incalculable.
Michael Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight Dwight I'm Assistant Regional Manager I should know first Michael. Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight OK, urn, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly Can you whisper it in my ear?
Michael I'm about to tell everybody I'm just about to tell everybody
Oscar Can't you just tell us
Dwight Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael You don't know what it is [Laughs]
Dwight OK You tell ’em With my permission Permission granted Michael I don't need your permission.
Dwight Go ahead
11) Michael Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch
Ryan I heard they might be closing this branch down That’s just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don’t really know
Oscar Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael Not gonna happen
Stanley It could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael It won’t be out of my hands Stanley, OK I promise you that Stanley Can you promise that?
Dwight On his mother's grave Michael No Phyllis What?
Michael Well, yeah, it is a promise And frankly, I’m a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it Stanley It’s just that we need to know
Michael I know Hold on a second I think Pam wanted to say something Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe
12) Man Are you sure about that?
Michael Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings Dwight Pam, information is power.
Stanley You canl say for sure whether if II be us or them, can you?
Michael No, Stanley No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.
Jim If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of mamla folders? Urn, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry
Pam Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he’s on to me Urn [Laughs]
Michael Watch out for this guy Dwight Schrute in the building This is Ryan, the new temp
Ryan What's up? Nice to meet you
Michael Introduce yourself Be polite
Dwight Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager
Michael Assistant to the Regional Manager So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything
13) Dwight Uh yeah I got a 78 280Z Bought it for $1,200 Fixed it up Ifs now worth three grand Michael That's his profit
Dwight New engine, new suspension, I got a respray I've got some photos Dwight Damn it! Jim!
Michael OK Hold on, hold on The judge is in session What is the problem here?
Dwight He put my stuff in Jell-0 again.
Pam [Laughing]
Dwight That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.
Dwight Ifs OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because ifs so relaxed I’m a volunteer Sheriffs Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That’s sort of one of the rules.
Michael What is that?
Dwight That is my stapler
Michael No, no, no Do not take it out You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world [turns to camera] which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food
Dwight OK you know what, you can be a witness [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him?
Jim How do you know it was me?
14) Dwight Its always you Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael Discipline. Kinky! [Laughs] All right, here’s the deal you guys The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop
Dwight Yeah
Michael And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-0.
Jim OK Dwight, I’m sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan Michael [Laughing] Nice. That’s the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round Ryan You should’ve put him in custardy Michael Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight OK, that’s great I guess what I’m most concerned with is damage to company property That's all Michael Pudding Pudding... I’m trying to think of another dessert to do
Jim Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam Yeah
Jim: That’s why we’re all going out So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink Pam So when are we going out?
Jim: Tonight, hopefully Pam OK Yeah
15) Roy Hey, man.
Jim: What’s going on?
Roy Hey, baby.
Pam Hey
Pam Roy’s my fiance. We’ve been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we’re gonna get married in the spring
Pam Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy No, no Come on Let’s get out of here and go home
Pam OK. I’m gonna be a few minutes. So it’s only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim You know what? You should come with us Because you know we’re all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office I think it could be fun.
Roy It sounds good Seriously, we’ve gotta get going
Jim Yeah, yeah
Jim: Urn... What’s in the bag?
Roy Just tell her I’ll talk to her later
Jim No, definitely All right, dude. Awesome. Will do
16) Jim Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head]
Michael So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard Right? I guess the atmosphere that I’ve created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second and probably an entertainer third [Knock at door] Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk’d and all that kind of stuff?
Ryan Yeah
Michael You are gonna be my accomplice Just go along with it, OK?
Ryan All right
Michael Just follow my lead Donl pimp me, all nght? Come in So, uh, Corporate just said that I donl want to Pam You got a fax.
Michael Oh, thank you Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway You know Ryan As you know, there is going to be downsizing And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first
Pam What? Why?
Michael Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael Post-it Notes
Pam Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?
17) Michael 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you’ve made a profit., margin You're gonna run us out of business, Pam
Pam Are you serious?
Michael Yeah I am
Pam I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you’re firing me
Michael But the best thing about it is that we’re not going to have to give you any severance pay Because that is gross misconduct and Just clean out your desk I'm sorry
Michael (Pam starts crying] You been X’d punk! [Laughing] Surprise! It’s a joke We were joking around See? OK. He was in on it He was my accomplice And it was kind of a morale booster thing And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
Pam You’re a jerk
Michael I don’t know about that
Michael What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh It's the people The people My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee No, no, no, no, no It was a young Guatemalan guy First job in the country, barely spoke English He came to me, and said, "Mr Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow Wow Didn't work out in the end We had to let him go He sucked
Pam Hey
Jim Hey
Jim How are things?
18) Pam Good I thought you were going out for a drink with Jim Oh no, I just decided not to. How’s your headache? Pam It's better, thanks Jim Good Good.
Pam Yeah Jim That’s great Pam Is . ?
Jim Yeah?

Pam Urn... Are you...

Jim Am I walking out?
Pam Yes.
Jim Yes, I Do you want to Pam Yeah
Jim Great Let me just
Jim [Car horn honking] Oh, Roy
Pam Yeah Listen, have a nice weekend
Jim: Yeah, definitely You too Enjoy iL [looks at camera] You know what, just come here