Reminders of Him

Who the fuck am I to make that kind of judgment?

---

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
KENNA
It starts raining on our drive home. The rain hitting the windshield is the
only sound right now, because neither of us is speaking. We haven’t said a
word to each other since we were in the alley earlier tonight.
I wonder if he’s mad that I put in my notice. I don’t know why he
would be; he’s the one who brought it up. But he’s so quiet it’s making
things uncomfortable.
I can’t continue to work for him, though. How do we plan for my
potential departure when we’re starting to crave each other’s company? I
thought this was messy before, but it’s bound to get even messier if I let it
continue.
There’s an unresolved energy moving between us in the truck when he
pulls into the parking lot. Sometimes when he drops me off, he doesn’t even
turn off the engine of his truck. But tonight he does, and he removes the
keys, and his seat belt, and he grabs an umbrella and gets out of the truck.
It only takes him a few seconds to make it to the passenger side, but in
that few seconds, I’ve decided I don’t want him to walk me up. I can walk
myself up. It’s better that way. I don’t trust myself with him.
He opens my door and I reach for the umbrella, but he pulls it back.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Give me the umbrella. I can walk myself up.”
He takes a step back so I can get out of his truck. “No. I’m walking
you up.”
“I don’t know if you should.”
“I definitely shouldn’t,” he says. But he keeps walking. Keeps holding
the umbrella over my head.

---

My breaths start to catch in my chest before we even reach the top of
the stairs. I fish my keys out of my purse, unsure if he’s expecting to come
inside or if he just plans to tell me good night. Either choice makes me
nervous. Either one is too much. Either one will do.
He closes the umbrella when we reach my door and waits for me to
unlock it. Before I open it, I turn to face him as if he’s going to let me say
good night without inviting him inside.
He points at my door but says nothing.
I quietly inhale and then push open the door to my apartment. He
follows me inside and closes the door behind him.
He’s acting so assured right now. The complete opposite of what I’m
feeling. I scoop Ivy up and take her to the bathroom so she can’t get out in
case Ledger opens the door to leave.
When I close the bathroom door and turn around, Ledger is standing at
the counter, running a finger across the stack of letters I printed out.
I don’t want him to read them, so I walk over and flip them over and
shove them aside.
“Are those the letters?” he asks.
“Most of them. But I have digital copies too. I typed them all up a
couple of months ago and put them into Google Drive. I was afraid to lose
them.”
“Will you read one of them to me?”
I shake my head. Those letters are personal to me. This is the second
time he’s asked if I’d read one, and the answer is still no. “You asking me to
read you one of those letters would be like me asking you to play a tape of
one of your therapy sessions.”
“I don’t go to therapy,” Ledger says.
“Maybe you should.”
He chews his lip with a contemplative nod. “Maybe I will.”
I walk around him and open the refrigerator. I’ve slowly been stocking
it, so I actually have more than Lunchables this time. “You want something
to drink? I have water, tea, milk.” I grab an almost-empty container of juice.
“A swig of apple juice.”
“I’m not thirsty.”
I’m not, either, but I drink the rest of the apple juice straight from the
container as a preventive measure, because I feel like I’m about to be

---

parched with him standing in my apartment like this. Just his presence here
is enough to make my throat run dry.
It’s different when we’re at work. There are other people around to
keep my mind from moving in the direction it’s moving right now.
But when it’s just the two of us alone in my apartment, all I can think
about is our proximity to one another and how many heartbeats will pass in
the time it takes him to close the gap and kiss me.
I set the empty container of apple juice on the bar and wipe my mouth.
“Is that why you always taste like apples?”
I look right at him when he says that. It’s an intimate thing to say.
Admitting out loud that you know what someone else tastes like. I feel like
a dazzled, inexperienced teenager under his gaze, so I look down at my feet
because not looking at him is less draining.
“What do you want, Ledger?”
He calmly leans against the counter. We’re just a couple of feet apart
when he says, “I want to get to know you better.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say that, so of course I look over at him and
then immediately regret it because he’s standing so close to me. “What do
you want to know?”
“More about you. Your likes, your dislikes, your goals. What do you
want to do with your life?”
I can’t help but laugh. I expected him to ask about Scotty, or
something related to Diem, or my current situation. But he’s just making
casual conversation, and I have no idea what to do with it. “I’ve always
wanted to be a locksmith.”
That makes Ledger laugh. “A locksmith?”
I nod.
“Why a locksmith?”
“Because no one can be mad at a locksmith. They show up to help
when people are in a crisis. I think it would be a rewarding job to make
people’s shitty days a little bit better.”
Ledger nods appreciatively. “I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone who
wanted to be a locksmith.”
“Well. Now you have. Next question.”
“Why did you choose the name Diem?”

---

I turn his question around on him before answering it. “Why did the
Landrys choose not to change the name I gave her?”
He works his jaw back and forth. “They were worried that maybe you
and Scotty had discussed what to name her, and Diem was a name Scotty
chose.”
“Scotty never even knew I was pregnant.”
“Did you know you were pregnant?” he asks. “Before Scotty died?”
I shake my head. My voice is a whisper when I say, “No. I never
would have pleaded guilty if I knew I was pregnant with Diem.”
He concentrates on that reply. “Why did you plead guilty?”
I hug myself. My eyes start to sting, so I take a moment to breathe
through the memory before answering him. “I wasn’t in a good headspace,”
I admit. I don’t elaborate, though. I can’t.
Ledger doesn’t come back with another question right away. He lets
silence fill the room, and then he empties it by saying, “Where would we be
right now if I didn’t know Scotty?”
“What do you mean?”
His eyes fall briefly to my mouth. It’s a flicker of a gaze, but I see it. I
feel it. “The night we met at the bar. You said you didn’t know who I was.
What if I was just some random guy who didn’t know Diem or Scotty or
you? What do you think would have happened between us that night?”
“A lot more than what did happen,” I admit.
He rolls his throat as if he swallowed that answer. He stares at me and
I stare back, waiting anxiously for his next question or thought or move.
“I sometimes wonder if we’d even be talking right now if I didn’t
know Diem.”
“Why does it matter?” I ask.
“Because it would be the difference between you wanting to be with
me for me, or wanting to be with me so you could use me for my
connections.”
My jaw tenses. I have to break our gaze and look at something besides
him, because that comment makes me angry. “If I wanted to use you for
your connections, I’d have fucked you by now.” I push off the counter.
“You should go.” I start to walk toward the door, but Ledger grabs my wrist
and pulls me back.

---

I spin around, but before I can yell at him, I see the look in his eye. It’s
apologetic. Sad. He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me in a
comforting embrace. I’m stiff against him, unsure of what to do with my
lingering anger. He slides his hands to my arms and lifts them, wrapping
them around his waist.
“I wasn’t insulting you,” he says, his breath grazing my cheek. “I was
just working through some thoughts out loud.” He presses the side of his
head to mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut because he feels so good. I forgot
what it felt like for someone else to need me. Want me. Like me.
Ledger keeps us wrapped tightly together when he says, “In a matter
of a few weeks, I went from hating you to liking you to wanting the world
for you, so forgive me if those feelings sometimes overlap.”
I relate to that more than he knows. I sometimes want to scream at him
for having been a wall between me and my daughter, but at the same time, I
want to kiss him for loving her enough to be a wall of protection for her.
His finger meets my chin, and he tilts my focus up to his. “I wish I
could take back what I said to you when I told you Diem wouldn’t benefit
from you being in her life.” He slides his hands into my hair and looks at
me with sincerity. “She would be lucky to have a woman like you in her
life. You’re selfless and you’re kind and you’re strong. You’re everything I
want Diem to be someday.” He wipes away a tear that falls down my cheek.
“And I don’t know how I can change their minds, but I’m going to try. I
want to fight for you because I know that’s what Scotty would want me to
do.”
I have no idea what to do with all the feelings his words just brought
out.
Ledger doesn’t kiss me, but that’s only because I kiss him first. I press
my mouth to his because nothing I could say would convey how much I
appreciate the validation he just gave to me. It’s one thing for him to admit
he wants me to meet her, but he took it a million steps further by saying he
wants her to be like me.
It’s the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me.
His tongue slides against mine, and the heat from his mouth seems to
pulse into me. I pull him closer until our chests meet, but it’s still not close
enough. I had no idea that was the only thing holding me back from Ledger.

---

I just needed to know he believed in me. Now that I know he does, I can’t
find a single part of me that doesn’t want every part of him.
Ledger lifts me and walks me across the room to the couch without
breaking our kiss.
The weight of his body feels so good pressed against mine. I start to
pull off his shirt because I want to be against his skin, but he pushes my
hand away. “Wait,” he says, pulling back. “Wait, wait, wait.”
I drop my head to the couch and groan. I can’t take much more of this
back-and-forth. I’m finally in a headspace to let him do whatever he wants
to me, and now he’s the one pulling away.
He kisses my chin. “I might be getting ahead of myself, but if we’re
about to have sex, I need to go down to my truck and grab a condom before
you undress me. Unless you have a condom up here.”
I’m so relieved that’s why he stopped. I push him away. “Hurry. Go
get one.”
He’s off the couch and out the door in seconds. I use the spare minute
to check my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Ivy is asleep in her little bed
that I’ve set next to the tub.
I take a small dab of toothpaste and brush it across my teeth and
tongue.
I wish I could write a quick letter to Scotty. I feel like I need to warn
him of what’s about to happen, which is stupid because he’s dead and it’s
been five years and I can have sex with whoever I want, but he was the last
person I’ve ever had sex with, so this feels like a really big moment.
Not to mention, it’s with his best friend.
“I am so sorry, Scotty,” I whisper. “But not sorry enough to stop it.”
I hear my front door open, so I leave the bathroom and find Ledger
locking the door. When he turns to face me, I laugh because he’s soaking
wet from the rain. His hair is dripping water into his eyes, so he pushes it
back. “I probably should have used the umbrella, but I didn’t want to waste
any time.”
I walk over to him and help him out of his shirt. He returns the favor
and helps me out of mine. I’m wearing my good bra. I wear it every time I
work a shift at his bar because I’ve wanted to be prepared in case this
happened.

---

I’ve been trying to convince myself it wouldn’t, but deep down, I’ve
been hoping it would.
Ledger leans forward and kisses me on the mouth with his rain-soaked
lips. He’s cold because he’s wet, but his tongue is a scorching contrast to his
frigid lips.
My stomach swirls with heat when he wraps his other hand in my hair
and tilts my face back so he can kiss me even deeper. I lower my hands to
his jeans and unbutton them, anxious to get him out of them. Determined to
feel him against me. Fearful that I won’t remember how to do this.
It’s been so long since I’ve had sex I feel like I should warn him. He
starts to walk me backward toward the inflatable mattress. He lowers me
onto it and starts to remove the rest of my clothes. As he’s working my
jeans down my legs, I say, “I haven’t been with anyone since Scotty.”
His eyes meet mine after he pulls off my jeans, and there’s a calming
reassurance in his expression. He lowers himself on top of me and presses a
soft kiss to my mouth. “It’s okay to change your mind.”
I shake my head. “I’m not. I just wanted you to know it’s been a while.
In case I’m not very . . .”
He cuts me off with another kiss; then he says, “You’ve already
exceeded my expectations, Kenna.” He moves his mouth to my neck, and I
feel his tongue drag up my throat.
My eyes fall shut.
He removes my panties and my bra and his jeans while his tongue
explores every inch of me between my neck and my stomach. When he
crawls back up me to kiss me on the mouth, I feel him hard between my
legs, and it fills me with anticipation. I give him a deep, long, meaningful
kiss while he reaches between us and puts on the condom.
He positions himself against me, but he doesn’t enter me. Instead, he
slides his finger up the center of me, and it’s so unexpected I arch my back
and moan.
My moan is drowned out by the thunder outside. It’s raining even
harder now, but I like that the thunderstorm is our background noise. It
somehow makes this even more sensual.
Ledger continues to work his finger over me, and then inside of me,
and the sensation is so intense I can’t even kiss him back. My lips are parted

---

and I’m moaning in between gasps of air. Ledger keeps his lips rested
against mine when he begins to push into me.
He isn’t able to push into me with ease. It’s a slow, almost painful
experience. I move my mouth to his shoulder as he makes gentle progress.
When he’s all the way inside me, I drop my head back to the pillow
because the pain transforms into pleasure. He slowly pulls out and then
pushes back into me with a little more force. He exhales sharply, and his
breath falls over my shoulder, tickling my skin.
I lift my hips, opening myself up to him even more, and he shoves into
me again.
“Kenna.” I can barely open my eyes and look at him. His lips graze
mine and he whispers, “This is too good. Fuck. Fuck, I have to stop.” He
pulls out of me, and when he does, I whimper. It’s an immediate emptiness I
wasn’t prepared for. Ledger remains on top of me and slides two fingers
inside of me, so I don’t even have time to complain before I’m moaning
again. He kisses the spot just below my ear. “I’m sorry, but I won’t last long
when I’m back inside you.”
I don’t even care. I just want him to keep doing what he’s doing with
his hand. I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him down. I want all his
weight pressed against me.
He slides his thumb up the center of me, and it sends such an intense
jolt through me, I end up biting his shoulder. He groans when my teeth
clamp onto his skin, and his groan brings me right over the edge.
Our mouths meet in a frantic kiss, and he swallows my moans while
he finishes me off. I’m still trembling beneath his touch when he thrusts
into me again. The waves of my orgasm are still rolling through me when
he lifts up onto his knees and grips my waist, pulling me to meet each
thrust.
God, he’s beautiful. The muscles in his arms flex with each roll of his
hips. He pulls one of my legs up to his shoulder. We make eye contact for a
few seconds, and then he turns his head and runs his tongue up my leg.
I wasn’t expecting that. I want him to do it again, but he shoves my leg
aside and lowers himself on top of me again.
We’re at a different angle now, and he’s somehow able to stab into me
even deeper. It’s only seconds before he starts to come. He tenses up and
drops his weight on me. “Fuck.” He groans and then says, “Fuck,” a second

---

time. Then he’s kissing me. Intense kisses at first, but after he pulls out, the
kisses grow sweeter. Softer. Slower.
I already want it to happen again, but I need to catch my breath first.
Maybe rehydrate. We kiss for a couple of minutes, and it’s so hard to stop
because this is the first time we’ve been able to enjoy each other without
things coming to an abrupt end.
It doesn’t help that the rain against the windows is creating the perfect
backdrop to this moment. I don’t want it to end. I don’t think Ledger does
either, because every time I think he’s finished kissing me, he comes back
for more.
He does stop eventually, but only long enough to go to the bathroom
and dispose of the condom. When he comes back to the bed, he adjusts
himself until he’s spooning me, and then he kisses my shoulder.
He threads his fingers through mine and tucks our hands against my
stomach. “I wouldn’t mind if we put that on the schedule again for tonight.”
I laugh at the way he phrased that. I don’t know why I find it funny.
“Yes. Let’s tell Siri to put it on the calendar for an hour from now,” I tease.
“Hey, Siri!” he yells. Both of our phones go off at the same time.
“Schedule sex with Kenna for one hour from now!” I laugh and elbow him,
then roll onto my back. He lifts up and smiles down at me. “I’ll last a lot
longer the second time. I promise.”
“I probably won’t,” I admit.
Ledger kisses me, and then he buries his head in my hair, tugging me
closer to his side.
I stare up at the ceiling for a long time.
Maybe half an hour. Maybe even longer. Ledger’s breathing has
evened out, and I’m almost positive he’s asleep.
The rain hasn’t let up at all, but my mind is too active for it to make
me sleepy. I hear Ivy meow from the bathroom, so I slip off the mattress
and let her out.
She hops onto the couch and curls up into a ball.
I walk to the counter and slide my notebook in front of me. I grab a
pen and begin writing a letter to Scotty. It doesn’t take me long. It’s a short
letter, but when I finish and close the notebook, I catch Ledger staring at
me. He’s on his stomach with his chin resting on his arms.
“What did you write?” he asks.

---

This is the third time he’s asked me to read him something. This is the
first time I feel like conceding.
I open the notebook to the letter I just wrote. I run my finger over
Scotty’s name. “You might not like it.”
“Is it the truth?”
I nod.
Ledger points to the empty spot next to him on the bed. “Then I want
to hear it. Come here.”
I raise an eyebrow in warning because not everyone can handle the
truth as well as they think they can. But he remains steadfast, so I join him
on the bed. He rolls onto his back, and I’m sitting cross-legged next to him
when I begin to read.
“Dear Scotty,
I had sex with your best friend tonight. I’m not sure that’s
something you want to hear. Or maybe it is. I get the
feeling if you can hear these letters from wherever you
are, you would want me to be happy. And right now,
Ledger is the one thing in my life that makes me happy. If
it’s any consolation, the sex with him was great, but no
one can hold a candle to you.
Love,
Kenna.”
I close the notebook and rest it on my lap. Ledger is quiet for a
moment as he stares stoically at the ceiling. “You’re just saying that so you
don’t hurt his feelings, right?”
I laugh. “Sure. If that’s what you need to hear.”
He grabs the notebook and tosses it aside; then he wraps an arm
around me and pulls me on top of him. “It was good, though, right?”
I press a finger to his lips and drop my mouth to his ear. “The best,” I
whisper.
At the exact moment I say that, a loud clap of thunder rolls through
the sky outside with perfect timing. It’s so loud I can feel it in my stomach.

---

“Oh shit,” Ledger says with a laugh. “Scotty didn’t like that. You
better take it back. Tell him I suck.”
I immediately slide off Ledger and lie on my back. “I’m sorry, Scotty!
You’re better than Ledger, I promise!”
We laugh together, but then we both sigh and listen to the rain for a
while. Ledger eventually puts a hand on my hip and rolls me toward him.
He nips at my bottom lip before kissing my neck. “I feel like I need another
opportunity to prove myself.” His kisses move lower and lower until he
takes one of my nipples into his mouth.
The second time is much longer, and somehow even better.

---

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
LEDGER
The kitten slept in Kenna’s arms all night. Maybe it’s weird, but I like
watching her with Ivy. She’s affectionate with her. She always makes sure
Ivy doesn’t have an opportunity to run outside when she isn’t looking.
It makes me curious how she’ll be with Diem. Because I’m confident
I’ll get to witness it someday. It might take us a while to get there, but I’ll
find a way. She deserves it and Diem deserves it, and I trust my gut feelings
more than my doubts.
I move quietly as I reach for my phone to check the time. It’s almost
seven in the morning, and Diem will wake up soon. She’ll notice my truck
is gone. I should probably try to get home before they leave for Patrick’s
mother’s house. I don’t want to slip out while Kenna is asleep, though. I
would feel like an asshole if she woke up alone after last night.
I press a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth, and then I brush her
hair out of her face. She begins to move, and moan, and I know she’s just
waking up, but her wake-up sounds are very similar to her sex sounds, and
now I don’t want to leave. Ever.
She finally gets her eyes open and looks up at me.
“I have to go,” I say quietly. “Can I come back over later?”
She nods. “I’ll be here. I’m off today.” She gives me a closed-lips kiss.
“I’ll kiss you better later, but I want to brush my teeth first.”
I laugh and then kiss her cheek. Before I get up, we have this brief
moment of eye contact where it feels like she’s thinking something she
doesn’t want to say out loud. I stare down at her for a minute, waiting for
her to speak, but when she doesn’t, I kiss her on the mouth one more time.
“I’ll be back this afternoon.”

---

I waited too long. Diem and Grace are already awake and in their front yard
when I pull onto our street. Diem sees me before Grace does, so she’s
already running across the street when I pull into my driveway and kill my
truck.
I swing open the door and immediately scoop her up. I kiss the side of
Diem’s head right when she wraps herself around me and squeezes my
neck. I swear to God, there is nothing even remotely close to a hug from
this girl.
A hug from her mother does run a very close second, though.
Grace makes it to my yard a few seconds later. She shoots me a
teasing look, as if she knows why I was out all night. She might think she
knows, but she wouldn’t be looking at me like this if she had any clue who I
was with.
“You look like you didn’t get much sleep,” she says.
“I slept plenty. Get your head out of the gutter.”
Grace laughs and tugs on Diem’s ponytail. “Well, you have perfect
timing. She was hoping to say goodbye before we left.”
Diem hugs my neck again. “Don’t forget about me,” she says,
loosening her grip so I can set her back down.
“You’ll only be gone one night, D. How could I forget about you?”
Diem scratches her face and says, “You’re old, and old people forget
stuff.”
“I am not old,” I say. “Hold on before you go, Grace.” I unlock my
front door and head to my kitchen and grab the flowers I bought for her
yesterday morning. I haven’t let a Mother’s Day or a Father’s Day pass
without getting something for her or Patrick.
She’s been like a mother to me my whole life, so I’d honestly probably
still buy her flowers even if Scotty were here.
“Happy Mother’s Day.” I hand them to her, and she acts surprised and
delighted and gives me a hug, but I don’t hear her thank-you through the
loud regret piercing through me right now.