George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

hand, almost unconsciously, and pats it]. I thought I should
never feel happy again.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Why?
ELLIE
. Don’t you know?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. No.
ELLIE
. Heartbreak. I fell in love with Hector, and didn’t
know he was married.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Heartbreak? Are you one of those
who are so sufficient to themselves that they are only happy
when they are stripped of everything, even of hope?
ELLIE 
[gripping the hand]. It seems so; for I feel now as if
there was nothing I could not do, because I want nothing.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. That’s the only real strength. That’s
genius. That’s better than rum.
ELLIE 
[throwing away his hand]. Rum! Why did you spoil it?
Hector and Randall come in from the garden through the star-
board door.
HECTOR
. I beg your pardon. We did not know there was
anyone here.
ELLIE 
[rising]. That means that you want to tell Mr Randall
the story about the tiger. Come, Captain: I want to talk to
my father; and you had better come with me.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[rising]. Nonsense! the man is in
bed.
ELLIE
. Aha! I’ve caught you. My real father has gone to
bed; but the father you gave me is in the kitchen. You knew
quite well all along. Come. [She draws him out into the gar-
den with her through the port door].
HECTOR
. That’s an extraordinary girl. She has the Ancient
Mariner on a string like a Pekinese dog.
RANDALL
. Now that they have gone, shall we have a
friendly chat?
HECTOR
. You are in what is supposed to be my house. I
am at your disposal.
Hector sits down in the draughtsman’s chair, turning it to face
Randall, who remains standing, leaning at his ease against the
carpenter’s bench.

---

109
GB Shaw
RANDALL
. I take it that we may be quite frank. I mean
about Lady Utterword.
HECTOR
. You may. I have nothing to be frank about. I
never met her until this afternoon.
RANDALL 
[straightening up]. What! But you are her sister’s
husband.
HECTOR
. Well, if you come to that, you are her husband’s
brother.
RANDALL
. But you seem to be on intimate terms with her.
HECTOR
. So do you.
RANDALL
. Yes: but I am on intimate terms with her. I have
known her for years.
HECTOR
. It took her years to get to the same point with
you that she got to with me in five minutes, it seems.
RANDALL 
[vexed]. Really, Ariadne is the limit [he moves
away huffishly towards the windows].
HECTOR 
[coolly]. She is, as I remarked to Hesione, a very
enterprising woman.
RANDALL 
[returning, much troubled]. You see, Hushabye,
you are what women consider a good-looking man.
HECTOR
. I cultivated that appearance in the days of my
vanity; and Hesione insists on my keeping it up. She makes
me wear these ridiculous things [indicating his Arab costume]
because she thinks me absurd in evening dress.
RANDALL
. Still, you do keep it up, old chap. Now, I assure
you I have not an atom of jealousy in my disposition
HECTOR
. The question would seem to be rather whether
your brother has any touch of that sort.
RANDALL
. What! Hastings! Oh, don’t trouble about
Hastings. He has the gift of being able to work sixteen hours
a day at the dullest detail, and actually likes it. That gets him
to the top wherever he goes. As long as Ariadne takes care
that he is fed regularly, he is only too thankful to anyone
who will keep her in good humor for him.
HECTOR
. And as she has all the Shotover fascination, there
is plenty of competition for the job, eh?
RANDALL 
[angrily]. She encourages them. Her conduct is
perfectly scandalous. I assure you, my dear fellow, I haven’t
an atom of jealousy in my composition; but she makes her-

---

110
Heartbreak House
self the talk of every place she goes to by her thoughtlessness.
It’s nothing more: she doesn’t really care for the men she
keeps hanging about her; but how is the world to know that?
It’s not fair to Hastings. It’s not fair to me.
HECTOR
. Her theory is that her conduct is so correct
RANDALL
. Correct! She does nothing but make scenes from
morning till night. You be careful, old chap. She will get you
into trouble: that is, she would if she really cared for you.
HECTOR
. Doesn’t she?
RANDALL
. Not a scrap. She may want your scalp to add to
her collection; but her true affection has been engaged years
ago. You had really better be careful.
HECTOR
. Do you suffer much from this jealousy?
RANDALL
. Jealousy! I jealous! My dear fellow, haven’t I
told you that there is not an atom of—
HECTOR
. Yes. And Lady Utterword told me she never made
scenes. Well, don’t waste your jealousy on my moustache.
Never waste jealousy on a real man: it is the imaginary hero
that supplants us all in the long run. Besides, jealousy does
not belong to your easy man-of-the-world pose, which you
carry so well in other respects.
RANDALL
. Really, Hushabye, I think a man may be al-
lowed to be a gentleman without being accused of posing.
HECTOR
. It is a pose like any other. In this house we know
all the poses: our game is to find out the man under the
pose. The man under your pose is apparently Ellie’s favorite,
Othello.
RANDALL
. Some of your games in this house are damned
annoying, let me tell you.
HECTOR
. Yes: I have been their victim for many years. I
used to writhe under them at first; but I became accustomed
to them. At last I learned to play them.
RANDALL
. If it’s all the same to you I had rather you didn’t
play them on me. You evidently don’t quite understand my
character, or my notions of good form.
HECTOR
. Is it your notion of good form to give away Lady
Utterword?
RANDALL 
[a childishly plaintive note breaking into his huff].
I have not said a word against Lady Utterword. This is just
the conspiracy over again.

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111
GB Shaw
HECTOR
. What conspiracy?
RANDALL
. You know very well, sir. A conspiracy to make
me out to be pettish and jealous and childish and everything
I am not. Everyone knows I am just the opposite.
HECTOR 
[rising]. Something in the air of the house has
upset you. It often does have that effect. [He goes to the gar-