Guide to Informed Choices
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exist in the first place. But whatever path you pick, you will always remember. You will likely have the memory for the rest of your life. Which do you wish to remember? Your live child or the abortion that 'terminated' your once live child? (If you do not think you will remember an abortion after today, read Reason #41: You may regret your abortion for a very long time. ) While your pregnancy may seem like it‘s the worst thing in the world, I want to reassure you that it‘s not. God will not send you anything you aren‘t capable of. As Mother Teresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." 227
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Change doesn't have to be a bad thing here is a saying that the one thing in life you can be sure of is change — that is, beside death and taxes. Life is a series of changes. We are born. We grow up. We leave home. We go to college. We get married. We have kids. We watch them grow up. They have kids. We get old. We die. And of course, there are many more possibilities of that version. We could (hopefully not) get divorced, lose our job, lose a child, go bankrupt, lose our house, get cancer, have a car accident and so forth. We could also work in our dream career, save someone's life, adopt a child, get a PhD, travel the world, improve other‘s lives and so on. Our life is a series of endless changes as we adjust to new situations and learn new skills. Some are good, some are bad, but hopefully we learn from them all. But why do we fear some changes and not others? Take pregnancy, for example. What are you really afraid of? Anything? Nothing? Success or failure? Pain or bliss? It's interesting when you really think about it, because sometimes we're afraid of change but not for any rational reason — is fear ever rational? Perhaps it‘s like the saying, ―the only thing to fear is fear itself.‖ Now, a part of becoming empowered to overcome your fears is understanding them. So, we're going to talk a little bit more about them to get to know them better. When I said that fear of change is often irrational, I didn't mention that there are often underlying fears — yes, fears under fears. We fear change because it is unknown. We fear change because we fear loss. We fear change because we fear loss of control. So, let's turn the spotlight on these fears and show them for what they are:
Fear of the unknown In a way, this is valid. No one can predict the future; anything could happen. In another way, you will still get up in the morning, get dressed, have your shower and breakfast and so forth. Your life might change but you can still do the fun things you used to do — read your favorite books, talk with friends, go shopping, eat out, dress up, whatever you like doing. Of course, this is now in-between caring for your child! The reality is, no one can foresee the future, but when the future comes you can fill it with activities that you want. When life changes and you get pregnant, it‘s not the end. You might enjoy new things and have some new activities, but who said looking after a baby had to be boring?
Fear of loss This is a big one. Most people fear this. T
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The question is, what are you going to lose? Well, let's be honest. With a baby you will probably lose a lot of free time. You will probably lose your pre-pregnancy figure until you can walk, breast feed or gym it off. You will probably lose sleep, particularly in the first few months when your baby is finding her sleep patterns. And you will probably spend some money too — though most people would see this as an investment well placed. But, to be fair, we‘ve talked about loss, but what about benefits — what do you stand to gain in return for that loss? Real things, like the satisfaction of raising a child, becoming a co-creator with God and listening to the funny things they say and do. You
will lose things, but you will also
gain things.
Fear of loss of control In our Western society we pride ourselves on being independent. We like to be in control and we don't like to feel powerless. The good news is, we are not powerless. In the case of pregnancy, loss of control is a bit like fear of loss. We think our lives are going to change forever — and that's probably true. But we are always in control of our choices. We choose where to work and study, where to live, how to birth and raise our child, how and with whom we spend our leisure time and so on. Some things are not within our control — such as how easy the birth will be or what the weather will be tomorrow. But not being within our control doesn‘t mean we can‘t plan for changes, whether that means taking a pregnancy class or an umbrella! Finally, here are a few more thoughts on pregnancy and fear of change:
Fear is instinctual, emotional, hormonal and irrational.
You have nine months to get used to the idea of change.
possibilities and new adjustments.
Pregnancy is not death, but a change of life.
Your lifestyle will change, but it doesn't mean you won't enjoy it.
Fear of change is a normal emotion in both wanted and unwanted pregnancies.
it doesn‘t have to be a bad thing.
Quotable Quote When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. 228
—Helen Keller, born deaf and blind
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It‘s okay to have fears t‘s reassuring to know that you are not abnormal or strange in having fears about this pregnancy. As pregnancy resources confirm, almost all women have some fears of some sort or other: Worries about competency, about relationships, and about how life is going to change are universal….It turns out that ambivalence is not only a universal feeling, but it‘s also a good thing. Taking the time to consider your fears, worries and even sorrows will help you be less demanding of yourself and eventually more accepting of your baby. 229
Understanding Your Moods When You‘re Expecting
Almost
all women
carry some
ambivalence about their pregnancy. Even women who have wished for and carefully prepared for the pregnancy may find themselves having second thoughts. Was this the right decision? Was this the right time?
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— A Deeper Shade of Blue
Even if the pregnancy is planned, there is an element of surprise that conception has occurred. The woman may experience some uncertainty about the pregnancy. Feelings that timing is wrong, that career or long-term goals may need to be delayed and/or financial stresses are common. Uncertain feelings may also be related to excitement about assuming the new role of mother, fears about carrying the pregnancy as well as labor and delivery. 231
—―Emotions During Pregnancy,‖ University of Iowa, Hospitals & Clinics website
If things look bad right now, just remember, things are bound to get better —just as surely as the day follows the night, just as surely as the spring follows the winter, just as surely as the rainbow follows the rain. Look up and look out because good things are coming your way!
Quotable Quote ―Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.‖ 232
—Ambrose Redmoon, writer
Reason #23 ―Being young and pregnant isn't really the end of your world‖ I
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Reason #24 It's better to be alive with one parent than dead with two
Single moms are up to the challenge ometimes women in more tricky situations feel extreme pressure to abort. ―You‘re too young,‖ they counsel. ―How can you afford a child right now?‖ ―You‘re not ready. Wait till you grow up and you have more time for a child.‖ ―Who‘s going to want you if you‘ve got a child?‖ ―You won‘t succeed,‖ they laugh. But single moms are an amazingly tough bunch of people — they have to be. They are amazingly resilient too. It‘s amazing what you can do when you really put your mind to it.
Better to be alive with one parent than dead with two ots of people say, ―It‘s not fair to bring in a child when you can‘t look after it properly.‖ But they don‘t realize that in this context ―not bringing in a child‖ means killing him. How can that be more compassionate? For anyone who has ever pondered the difficulties in raising a child, I say to you, isn‘t it better to be alive with one parent than dead with two? Who cares if you‘re not perfect or can‘t afford the latest toys? Your baby certainly won't.
Reality Check ―A baby is a small member of the family who can make the love stronger, the days shorter, the nights longer, and the bankroll smaller. When a baby is born, the home will be happier — even if the clothes are shabbier. The past is forgotten, and the future is worth living for.‖
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—Barbara Johnson, quoted in I Love Being a Mom
Oh no, I couldn‘t do that — or could you? any women say, ―Oh, I just couldn‘t give up my child like that. It would be too hard…and too cruel." But think of it this way: You‘re in a big flood and your baby daughter is with you. You‘re not a good swimmer and you know you can‘t save her and you. You have two choices. Give her up to a passing family that is floating along on their little raft or drown her on the spot because you won‘t be able to look after her yourself. S L
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What did you do? Did you give her a second chance? Adoption is like that. It‘s a second chance at life.
Tips for single moms am of the belief that most women don‘t want an abortion; they just don‘t know how to make it work. For that reason, I‘ve added Reason #19: There are practical options to make things work for you . This
is the main section for practical help, along with the resource section at the end, so don‘t forget to check out those also.
Where can I get local help?
local pregnancy centers
local government
local churches
local societies and clubs
Can you give me a government contact where I can find out more about the different types of benefits that are available? Sure! I‘ve got just the site for you: www.govbenefits.gov
Now that I‘m pregnant and have a baby to think about, my friends have left me alone. How can I make new friends? I would highly recommend joining a local playgroup. You can search by U.S. cities and find a group that appeals to you. Moms get to socialize and talk and kids get to play. It works out well for both of you. Begin
your search
at: http://playgroup.meetup.com
How do I get support from the child‘s father?
The father's legal responsibilities include providing financial support for his child. Most states have a child support enforcement agency, which will withhold money from his paycheck if he is unwilling to pay. If the birth father is unable to provide child support, you need to plan how you will care for your baby without it. A birth father's support record may influence court decisions about custody and visitation rights.
Tip
There are actually companies that follow up unpaid child support. One such company is Financial Aid. Yes, they charge a fee (of course) but not until you
get paid.
www.childsupport.com.
I don‘t have any positive male role models, and I would really want my child to have that…but if I‘m a single mom, what can I do? Aside from the possibility of dads, brothers, uncles or friends, you may find what you‘re looking for at Big Brothers Big I
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Sisters. The organization matches a volunteer mentor with kids aged 6-18 to do activities together and just hang out, thus giving the child a encouraging adult role model. Go to www.bbbs.org.
I‘m worried because I don‘t have any medical insurance and I know I‘m going to have so many bills to pay. Don‘t worry! You have some options.
Medicaid is a government-run health insurance program available for eligible low-income families.
For more information on Medicaid and to see if you qualify, you can: Go to the official website for Medicaid: www.cms.hhs.gov/home/medicaid.asp. I‘ll warn you, it‘s not user friendly. or Call the automated Medicare number 1- 800-633-4227 and search through the prompts to request more information on Medicaid. or
If that‘s too confusing, you can also find
your local
pregnancy center
(www.optionline.org) and get them to help you apply for whatever services you need.
Another
useful site
may be
http://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov. Go there to find out which health care centers in your area are government funded and will provide health care even if you have no insurance. You pay based on your income.
Reality Check ―Having kids is the most amazing, scary, frustrating, wonderful, huge love that you‘re ever going to go through for the rest of your life.‖ 234
Oh, Baby!: Loving (and Surviving!) Your Newborn‘s First Year
Are there any websites out there especially useful for young and/or single moms?
There certainly are! Here are a few that might be useful to you:
www.pregnancystories.net Read stories of others in your situation to know that it‘s not impossible. Click on ―single mothers‖ to read one of the many stories people have submitted.
www.youngmommies.com Join the message boards for young moms and moms to be. Ask a question, connect with others like you or just join in.
www.teenbreaks.com This site is written for very young teen moms. There are links on the topic of abortion, pregnancy, adoption, sexual abuse, hooking up, peer pressure and other concerns.
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www.singlerose.com A site for single moms of any age, especially older. Includes message boards and assorted articles.
http://singleparents.about.com This site has a variety of useful and interesting articles written on topics of interest to single parents.
Um, accommodation. I know you talked about it in Reason #16 but I‘m wondering, are there any special ideas for single moms? Well, it‘s a good thing you asked. There is one option that I‘m aware of that is specifically designed for single moms. It‘s called Co-Abode, which is what it sounds like — single Mom house sharing. The program runs right across America. You just register, post your profile, then wait for the right match to come up. This option provides a chance for compatible moms to share expenses and friendships.
Go to www.co-abode.com .
If you‘re in an emergency situation, go instead to www.lifecall.org .
I‘m just so stressed out; how on earth am I supposed to be a pillar of strength for my own kids? Well, you don‘t have to do it alone. That‘s the first thing. Secondly, when you put the tasks into into little pieces it‘s not so impossible. For example, you can find out about:
how to bond with your child and form a good relationship
how to enforce consistent limits with your child‘s discipline.
you and your child
relaxation and
stress release
techniques for you.
fun things you can do together on a budget
I don‘t even have a clue about parenting. I wouldn‘t know where to start
— help me! It‘s not something you just learn in a day, and fortunately it‘s not something you have to learn in a day either! It‘s really all about the stuff you already know. Tell your child you love them and give lots of hugs. Set limits. Be honest with them. Have high expections but don‘t drive yourself crazy with them. Spend quality time with your child. Ask for help when you need it. There‘s nothing shameful about needing help.
Can you simplify what I need to do in order to make this work?
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There are two parts. The first part is the physical side. You have to get your physical needs sorted out first. The second part is the emotional and mental part. That‘s the accepting my situation and believing that somehow, some way, I will make this happen.
Reason #24 ―With love and determination - and maybe a little help - you can make it as a single mom‖ Reason #25 Abortion is about a woman's body, but…
That's not the whole story I believe that government must stay completely out of the sphere of personal choice. Every individual has an absolute right to control his or her body. 235
Salon magazine
ou are probably very aware that this single belief, that women should have control over their own bodies, is the pillar of the pro-choice movement today. Well, of course woman should be in charge of their own bodies, but I think sometimes we forget that we are discussing someone who is not part of a Yüklə 4,63 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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