Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“NO” IS PROTECTION
Think back to the telemarketer at the beginning of this
chapter. The obvious reply to his question—“Do you enjoy
a nice glass of water?”—is “Yes.” But all you want to do is
scream, “No!” After a question like that you just know the
rest of the phone call is going to be painful.
That, in a nutshell, distills the inherent contradictions in
the values we give “Yes” and “No.” Whenever we
negotiate, there’s no doubt we want to finish with a “Yes.”
But we mistakenly conflate the positive value of that final
“Yes” with a positive value of “Yes” in general. And
because we see “No” as the opposite of “Yes,” we then
assume that “No” is always a bad thing.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Saying “No”
gives the speaker the feeling of safety, security, and control.
You use a question that prompts a “No” answer, and your
counterpart feels that by turning you down he has proved
that he’s in the driver’s seat. Good negotiators welcome—
even invite—a solid “No” to start, as a sign that the other
party is engaged and thinking.
Gun for a “Yes” straight off the bat, though, and your
counterpart gets defensive, wary, and skittish. That’s why I

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tell my students that, if you’re trying to sell something, don’t
start with “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” Instead ask,
“Is now a bad time to talk?” Either you get “Yes, it is a bad
time” followed by a good time or a request to go away, or
you get “No, it’s not” and total focus.
As an exercise, the next time you get a telemarketing
call, write down the questions the seller asks. I promise
you’ll find that your level of discomfort correlates directly to
how quickly he pushes you for “Yes.”
My colleague Marti Evelsizer was the one who first opened
my eyes to why “No” was better than “Yes.”
Marti was the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Coordinator in
Pittsburgh at the time. She was a dynamo and a negotiating
genius, which earned her huge respect both within the
Bureau and with the local police. But human beings are
innately jealous, and her immediate supervisor was no
exception to that rule. Her success diminished him, and that
made her a threat.
His jealousy got the better of him when the Pittsburgh
Police Department’s Hostage Negotiation Team asked her to
sit on the selection board for their new candidates. Picking
her, and doing so over her boss, was an unprecedented
move.
So her boss decided to remove her from her position. For
ignoring her regular duties, he said. But really it was for
being a threat.
When Marti sat down with her supervisor for her official
dismissal, her options were few. He had every right to do as

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he pleased.
Marti told me that she considered a variety of scenarios.
She thought about going right at his jealousy and hashing it
out, or explaining how the job would reflect well on the
Bureau: “Would you like our office to be honored for its
expertise?”
But by the time she sat down with him, she had picked
one of the most strongly worded “No”-oriented setup
questions I have ever heard.
“Do you want the FBI to be embarrassed?” she said.
“No,” he answered.
“What do you want me to do?” she responded.
He leaned back in his chair, one of those 1950s faux-
leather numbers that squeak meaningfully when the sitter
shifts. He stared at her over his glasses and then nodded
ever so slightly. He was in control.
“Look, you can keep the position,” he said. “Just go
back out there and don’t let it interfere with your other
duties.”
And a minute later Marti walked out with her job intact.
When I heard Marti do that, I was like, “Bang!” By pushing
for a “No,” Marti nudged her supervisor into a zone where
he was making the decisions. And then she furthered his
feelings of safety and power with a question inviting him to
define her next move.
The important thing here is that Marti not only accepted
the “No”; she searched it out and embraced it.
At a recent sales conference, I asked the participants for

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the one word they all dread. The entire group yelled, “No!”
To them—and to almost everyone—“No” means one thing:
end of discussion.
But that’s not what it means.
“No” is not failure. Used strategically it’s an answer that
opens the path forward. Getting to the point where you’re
no longer horrified by the word “No” is a liberating moment
that every negotiator needs to reach. Because if your biggest
fear is “No,” you can’t negotiate. You’re the hostage of
“Yes.” You’re handcuffed. You’re done.
So let’s undress “No.” It’s a reaffirmation of autonomy.
It is not a use or abuse of power; it is not an act of rejection;
it is not a manifestation of stubbornness; it is not the end of
the negotiation.
In fact, “No” often opens the discussion up. The sooner
you say “No,” the sooner you’re willing to see options and
opportunities that you were blind to previously. Saying
“No” often spurs people to action because they feel they’ve
protected themselves and now see an opportunity slipping
away.
Since I’ve demystified “No” for myself, I’ve found the
ideas, perceptions, and baggage that people have with that
two-letter word to be fascinating. To me, it’s like watching a
movie or a music video from the 1980s for the umpteenth
time. You can identify with the experience—while
simultaneously being conscious of the fact that the world,
and you, have moved on.
Today, I coach my students to learn to see “No” for what

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it is. Rather than harming them or those they negotiate with,
“No” protects and benefits all parties in an exchange. “No”
creates safety, security, and the feeling of control. It’s a
requirement to implementable success. It’s a pause, a nudge,
and a chance for the speaker to articulate what they do want.
As you can see, “No” has a lot of skills.
■
“No” allows the real issues to be brought forth;
■
“No” protects people from making—and lets
them correct—ineffective decisions;
■
“No” slows things down so that people can
freely
embrace
their
decisions
and
the
agreements they enter into;
■
“No” helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally
comfortable, and in control of their decisions;
■
“No” moves everyone’s efforts forward.
One of my grad school students, a political fund-raiser
named Ben Ottenhoff, drove home this lesson with a bang.
For years, he’d been using a traditional “Yes pattern” fund-
raising script to raise money for Republican congressional
candidates.
FUND-RAISER: Hello, can I speak with Mr. Smith?
MR. SMITH: Yes, this is he.

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FUND-RAISER: I’m calling from the XYZ Committee,
and I wanted to ask you a few important questions
about your views on our economy today. Do you
believe that gas prices are currently too high?
MR. SMITH: Yes, gas prices are much too high and
hurting my family.
FUND-RAISER: Do you believe that the Democrats are