Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

KEY LESSONS
“Sleeping in the same bed and dreaming different dreams”
is an old Chinese expression that describes the intimacy of
partnership (whether in marriage or in business) without the
communication necessary to sustain it.
Such is the recipe for bad marriages and bad
negotiations.
With each party having its own set of objectives, its own
goals and motivations, the truth is that the conversational
niceties—the socially lubricating “yeses” and “you’re
rights” that get thrown out fast and furious early in any
interaction—are not in any way a substitute for real
understanding between you and your partner.
The power of getting to that understanding, and not to
some simple “yes,” is revelatory in the art of negotiation.
The moment you’ve convinced someone that you truly

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understand her dreams and feelings (the whole world that
she inhabits), mental and behavioral change becomes
possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been
laid.
Use these lessons to lay that foundation:
■
Creating unconditional positive regard opens the
door to changing thoughts and behaviors.
Humans have an innate urge toward socially
constructive behavior. The more a person feels
understood, and positively affirmed in that
understanding, the more likely that urge for
constructive behavior will take hold.
■
“That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it.
Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates
breakthroughs.
■
Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The
building blocks of a good summary are a label
combined
with
paraphrasing.
Identify,
rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world
according to . . .”

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