Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

HOW TO CONFRONT—AND GET YOUR WAY—
WITHOUT CONFRONTATION
I only half-jokingly refer to mirroring as magic or a Jedi
mind trick because it gives you the ability to disagree
without being disagreeable.
To consider just how useful that can be, think of the
average workplace: invariably there is still someone in a
position of authority who arrived at that position through
aggressive assertiveness, sometimes outright intimidation,
with
“old
school”
top-down,
command-and-control
assumptions that the boss is always right. And let’s not
delude ourselves: whatever the enlightened rules of the
“new school,” in every environment (work or otherwise)
you will always have to deal with forceful type A people
who prefer consent to collaboration.
If you take a pit bull approach with another pit bull, you
generally end up with a messy scene and lots of bruised
feelings and resentment. Luckily, there’s another way
without all the mess.
It’s just four simple steps:
1. Use the late-night FM DJ voice.
2. Start with “I’m sorry . . .”
3. Mirror.

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4. Silence. At least four seconds, to let the mirror
work its magic on your counterpart.
5. Repeat.
One of my students experienced the effectiveness of this
simple process at her workplace, where her impulsive boss
was known for his “drive-bys”: an infuriating practice by
which the boss would suddenly swing by one’s office or
cubicle unannounced with an “urgent,” poorly thought out
assignment that created a lot of unnecessary work. Past
attempts at any kind of debate created immediate pushback.
“There’s a better way” was always interpreted by this boss
as “the lazy way.”
Such a drive-by occurred toward the end of a long
consulting engagement, one that had generated literally
thousands of documents. The boss, still skeptical of
anything “digital,” wanted the security of paper copies.
Popping his head into her office, the boss said, “Let’s
make two copies of all the paperwork.”
“I’m sorry, two copies?” she mirrored in response,
remembering not only the DJ voice, but to deliver the mirror
in an inquisitive tone. The intention behind most mirrors
should be “Please, help me understand.” Every time you
mirror someone, they will reword what they’ve said. They
will never say it exactly the same way they said it the first
time. Ask someone, “What do you mean by that?” and
you’re likely to incite irritation or defensiveness. A mirror,
however, will get you the clarity you want while signaling

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respect and concern for what the other person is saying.
“Yes,” her boss responded, “one for us and one for the
customer.”
“I’m sorry, so you are saying that the client is asking for
a copy and we need a copy for internal use?”
“Actually, I’ll check with the client—they haven’t asked
for anything. But I definitely want a copy. That’s just how I
do business.”
“Absolutely,” she responded. “Thanks for checking with
the customer. Where would you like to store the in-house
copy? There’s no more space in the file room here.”
“It’s fine. You can store it anywhere,” he said, slightly
perturbed now.
“Anywhere?” she mirrored again, with calm concern.
When another person’s tone of voice or body language is
inconsistent with his words, a good mirror can be