Published in the United Kingdom by

Facing family
You can outgrow clothes, hobbies, jobs, friends –
and even family members. We evolve past things
that don’t contribute to our joy and wellbeing.
Just because they’re your family, it doesn’t mean they have the best
intentions for you. Many of us are taught that there’s nothing more important
than family. But biological relationships don’t always equal supportive, close
relationships. Friends can be more like family than family itself. We
shouldn’t conceal the fact that sometimes it’s our own family members who
are the most toxic people in our lives.
Ending these relationships can be the most heartbreaking because, let’s face
it, these people often mean the most to us, even if they do continuously put us
down. It’s hard to justify ending a relationship with your parents, for
example, if they’ve done a lot for you throughout your life.
Sometimes, you don’t have to. You simply need to communicate and tell
them how you feel. You’ll be surprised by how many people are oblivious to
their toxic behaviours towards others.
When they find out that they’re actually hurting
you, they may very well change their ways.
79

---

We can also try to understand their intentions. Most of our loved ones do
genuinely have good intentions for us. They want to see us happy, successful
and prosperous. But they can be misled or limited in their view, which
sometimes comes across as being negative.
A friend had an exciting idea about an online business he wanted to pursue,
and looked for his parents’ approval. To his dismay, their reaction wasn’t
quite what he’d hoped for. They ridiculed his idea and tried to talk him out of
it; they simply couldn’t understand how it could be profitable. Instead, they
suggested that he stopped living in dreamland and focused on studying and
getting the grades he needed to go to university.
He felt that his belief in his brilliant idea was dampened by their scepticism.
This wasn’t the first time either. He felt as though his parents were always
knocking his aspirations, and as a result he perceived them as being negative
towards him. He didn’t want to shut his parents out of his life, because he
loved them – and lived with them. But at times he felt they didn’t love him!
What he failed to understand was that although his parents were critical, it
wasn’t entirely their fault. Their ideas about what was feasible in life and
what success looked like were different from his. Their beliefs, shaped by
their experiences and social conditioning, meant they had a different outlook
on life.
To recognize love in spite of criticism, you have to understand that
everyone’s
perspective – including your own – is limited and subjective. We
all constantly gather information from everywhere, and everything we learn
has an impact on what we believe and how we think – but this depends on
exactly what information we’ve picked up.
If no one in your family has ever seen success by skipping university and
starting an online business, the prospect of 
you
doing this is completely new
to them and may be rejected out of hand. People tend to fear what they can’t
understand. So make an effort to understand where your loved ones are
coming from and what may be the root of their concern or cynicism.
Most people have believed the things they do for many years. You cannot
expect them to drop their beliefs in an instant because of how you perceive
80

---

the world. If you feel that they’re being held back by their beliefs, you can
offer an alternative perspective, but you can’t force your beliefs on someone
else.
If you want their support, you have to build their trust. This is your task, as
much as it’s theirs. Try to be open with them; talk to them and tell them how
you feel. Involve them in your plans: give them more information or explain
your alternative view; reassure them that you’ve thought about what will
happen if you fail. You need to minimize their fear so that they have more
faith. When they have more faith, they’re more likely to show the positive
support that you want.
My friend showed his parents an exact plan of what he wished to do,
examples of success stories and even teachings by iconic figures who his
family valued that supported his views. Gradually, he helped them change
their outlook.
If you find yourself in a similar position, it’s up to you to show your doubters
that you’re doing everything in your power to make your chosen path
worthwhile.
If you don’t prove that you’re serious about
what you want to do, you can’t expect other
people to be serious about it either.
Don’t underestimate the power of leading by example. If it’s the limited
thinking of the people around you that makes them cold towards you, show
them that they 
could
break free from this unhappy state of being. Be open-
minded and do your best to be warm towards them. Show them how one
should behave, even if being treated unfairly. Your faith and determination
may, gently and gradually, inspire a change in them. They might see how
great you are as an individual and how rewarding it is to be like you!
Sometimes, simply by shifting our perspective and focusing on the positives
we see in people who challenge us, we’re able to feel better about our
relationship with them. This is especially useful when you’re living in the
81

---

same house as those who dampen your spirit. This doesn’t provide a full fix,
but if you appreciate the good in them and create some distance until things
improve, this can be a catalyst for healing.
It’s vital to remember that you cannot change others unless they want to
change themselves. You can influence them and facilitate change, but you
cannot 
make
them change. And they’ll only decide to change when they have
an 
incentive
– such as a better life or a better relationship with you. If they
don’t identify a problem with their way of being, they won’t be motivated to
change.
In some cases, a family member’s behaviour can be extreme, such as
inflicting physical or emotional harm. We weren’t placed on this planet to
suffer at the hands – or words – of another person, regardless of our
relationship with them. And pretending someone’s harmful behaviour is okay
is in itself harmful. If you need to cut someone off because of continued
destructive behaviour, then do it with no regrets.
82

---