hardest thing for a Christian converting to Islam is said to be letting go of the Trinity. In the Qur’an, Jesus
says,
Surely I am a servant of God; He has given me the Book and made me a prophet.
Yet for me the idea that Jesus was not a son of God but a servant of God wasn’t that hard to believe.
What I found much harder to do was to abandon Mary. I haven’t told this to anyone, not even to Rumi, but
sometimes I yearn to see Mary’s kind brown eyes. Her gaze always had a soothing effect on me.
The truth is, ever since Shams of Tabriz came to our house, I have been so distressed and confused that
I find myself longing for Mary more than ever. Like a fever running wild through my veins, my need to
pray to Mary comes back with a force I can hardly control. At times like these, guilt consumes me, as if I
am cheating on my new religion.
Nobody knows this. Not even my neighbor Safiya, who is my confidante in all other matters. She
wouldn’t understand. I wish I
could share it with my husband, but I cannot see how. He has been so
detached; I am afraid of distancing him even more. Rumi used to be everything to me. Now he is a
stranger. I never knew it was possible to live with someone under the same roof, sleep in the same bed,
and still feel that he was not really there.