1) Paraphrase the question 2) State two supporting reasons (outline statement) 3) Give your opinion (thesis statement) In this fast-paced society, many senior citizens are sent to old-age homes because their families are unable or unwilling to take care of them. This essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks the phenomenon brings.
On the one hand, there are several benefits of putting old people in nursing homes taking care by retirement home. Firstly, This type of people the elderly can are taken care of by professional specialists people and stuffs (Using “thing/things/staff/stuff” may show the examiner that you do not have a good variety of vocab). Cause(wrong grammar; cause is a verb or noun, not a linking word) the people who is are working in medical homes have their own style and knowledge how to take care about of senior people. Apart from that They can easily find good methods how to improve their mood. Secondly. The living in retirement home is giving gives them(unclear; who do you mean here: doctors or old people? So, use specific nouns instead of pronouns sometimes) old aged people more freedom and enhance their life style. Cause They may have freely conversation with others and They can spend their time doing various activities that are good for their health as meditation or yoga. As a result they would feel best experience than other time in a hospital. You had good ideas but you did not manage to develop and support them properly. It is not possible to link sentences to each other without the help of linking words, such as but, however, as, because, while, although… you did many times so in this essay. The grammar you have used here is very simple. Work on your general English, and learn how to write grammatically complex sentences)
On the other hand (do not put a full stop (.) after linking words such as firstly, secondly, on the one hand…, but put a comma (,)) there are several drawbacks to leave them the elderly in their old age(logic error). The first negative side is that (the same problem)The feeling loneles and isolation(not a full sentence).Cause It is true that living in hospital nursing or old age homes can bring some problems as lack of communication and it also can bring reduce contact with family or friends. The second reason is that. The living in hospital(do not repeat the same word or point over and over throughout the essay; use various structures, different words) can bring more depression. . Cause not every(“every” for singular nouns, not plural)people can live without family and active life style and it is fact that the do not want to feel this all emotions in their old age. As a result. Living in a senior house also has more negative sides than we think. There are so many grammar mistakes that the reader may not understand what you mean. Work on your grammar first. Organizing points in a logical manner is another problem that I have noticed in your essay. Before writing an essay on a topic, read and analyze more and more sample essays on that topic. This is the key to learn how to write high scored essays, I think.
In conclusion, according to this all views leaving elderly people in hospital has more advantage for their life style but also it has more negative sides for their health as depssion or loneliness . (You should write at least 30 words to summarize your main points and rewrite the general statement for the conclusion part of the writing Task 2)
