George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

Guinness returns with the tea-tray, which she places on the teak
table]. I have a second daughter who is, thank God, in a
remote part of the Empire with her numskull of a husband.
As a child she thought the figure-head of my ship, the Daunt-
less, the most beautiful thing on earth. He resembled it. He
had the same expression: wooden yet enterprising. She mar-
ried him, and will never set foot in this house again.
NURSE GUINNESS 
[carrying the table, with the tea-things
on it, to Ellie’s side]. Indeed you never were more mistaken.
She is in England this very moment. You have been told
three times this week that she is coming home for a year for
her health. And very glad you should be to see your own
daughter again after all these years.
THE CAPTAIN
. I am not glad. The natural term of the af-
fection of the human animal for its offspring is six years. My
daughter Ariadne was born when I was forty-six. I am now
eighty-eight. If she comes, I am not at home. If she wants
anything, let her take it. If she asks for me, let her be informed
that I am extremely old, and have totally forgotten her.
NURSE GUINNESS
. That’s no talk to offer to a young
lady. Here, ducky, have some tea; and don’t listen to him [she
pours out a cup of tea].
THE CAPTAIN 
[rising wrathfully]. Now before high heaven
they have given this innocent child Indian tea: the stuff they

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42
Heartbreak House
tan their own leather insides with. [He seizes the cup and the
tea-pot and empties both into the leathern bucket].
ELLIE 
[almost in tears]. Oh, please! I am so tired. I should
have been glad of anything.
NURSE GUINNESS
. Oh, what a thing to do! The poor
lamb is ready to drop.
THE CAPTAIN
. You shall have some of my tea. Do not
touch that fly-blown cake: nobody eats it here except the
dogs. [He disappears into the pantry].
NURSE GUINNESS
. There’s a man for you! They say he
sold himself to the devil in Zanzibar before he was a captain;
and the older he grows the more I believe them.
A WOMAN’S VOICE 
[in the hall]. Is anyone at home?
Hesione! Nurse! Papa! Do come, somebody; and take in my
luggage.
Thumping heard, as of an umbrella, on the wainscot.
NURSE GUINNESS
. My gracious! It’s Miss Addy, Lady
Utterword, Mrs Hushabye’s sister: the one I told the captain
about. [Calling]. Coming, Miss, coming.
She carries the table back to its place by the door and is harrying
out when she is intercepted by Lady Utterword, who bursts in
much flustered. Lady Utterword, a blonde, is very handsome,
very well dressed, and so precipitate in speech and action that
the first impression (erroneous) is one of comic silliness.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Oh, is that you, Nurse? How are
you? You don’t look a day older. Is nobody at home? Where
is Hesione? Doesn’t she expect me? Where are the servants?
Whose luggage is that on the steps? Where’s papa? Is every-
body asleep? [Seeing Ellie]. Oh! I beg your pardon. I suppose
you are one of my nieces. [Approaching her with outstretched
arms]. Come and kiss your aunt, darling.
ELLIE
. I’m only a visitor. It is my luggage on the steps.
NURSE GUINNESS
. I’ll go get you some fresh tea, ducky.
[She takes up the tray].
ELLIE
. But the old gentleman said he would make some
himself.
NURSE GUINNESS
. Bless you! he’s forgotten what he went
for already. His mind wanders from one thing to another.
LADY UTTERWORD
. Papa, I suppose?

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43
GB Shaw
NURSE GUINNESS
. Yes, Miss.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[vehemently]. Don’t be silly, Nurse.
Don’t call me Miss.
NURSE GUINNESS 
[placidly]. No, lovey [she goes out with