George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

tray away into the pantry].

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61
GB Shaw
MANGAN 
[following him to the half door]. What pirate’s
child? What are you talking about?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[in the pantry]. Ellie Dunn. You
will not marry her.
MANGAN
. Who will stop me?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[emerging]. My daughter [he makes
for the door leading to the hall].
MANGAN 
[following him]. Mrs Hushabye! Do you mean
to say she brought me down here to break it off?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[stopping and turning on him]. I
know nothing more than I have seen in her eye. She will
break it off. Take my advice: marry a West Indian negress:
they make excellent wives. I was married to one myself for
two years.
MANGAN
. Well, I am damned!
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. I thought so. I was, too, for many
years. The negress redeemed me.
MANGAN 
[feebly]. This is queer. I ought to walk out of this
house.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Why?
MANGAN
. Well, many men would be offended by your
style of talking.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Nonsense! It’s the other sort of
talking that makes quarrels. Nobody ever quarrels with me.
A gentleman, whose first-rate tailoring and frictionless manners
proclaim the wellbred West Ender, comes in from the hall. He
has an engaging air of being young and unmarried, but on close
inspection is found to be at least over forty.
THE GENTLEMAN
. Excuse my intruding in this fashion,
but there is no knocker on the door and the bell does not
seem to ring.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Why should there be a knocker?
Why should the bell ring? The door is open.
THE GENTLEMAN
. Precisely. So I ventured to come in.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Quite right. I will see about a room
for you [he makes for the door].
THE GENTLEMAN 
[stopping him]. But I’m afraid you don’t
know who I am.

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62
Heartbreak House
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Do you suppose that at my age I
make distinctions between one fellow creature and another?
[He goes out. Mangan and the newcomer stare at one another].
MANGAN
. Strange character, Captain Shotover, sir.
THE GENTLEMAN
. Very.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[shouting outside]. Hesione, another
person has arrived and wants a room. Man about town, well
dressed, fifty.
THE GENTLEMAN
. Fancy Hesione’s feelings! May I ask
are you a member of the family?
MANGAN
. No.
THE GENTLEMAN
. I am. At least a connection.
Mrs Hushabye comes back.
MRS HUSHABYE
. How do you do? How good of you to
come!
THE GENTLEMAN
. I am very glad indeed to make your
acquaintance, Hesione. [Instead of taking her hand he kisses
her. At the same moment the captain appears in the doorway].
You will excuse my kissing your daughter, Captain, when I
tell you that—
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Stuff! Everyone kisses my daugh-
ter. Kiss her as much as you like [he makes for the pantry].
THE GENTLEMAN
. Thank you. One moment, Captain.
[The captain halts and turns. The gentleman goes to him affa-
bly]. Do you happen to remember but probably you don’t,
as it occurred many years ago—that your younger daughter
married a numskull?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Yes. She said she’d marry anybody
to get away from this house. I should not have recognized
you: your head is no longer like a walnut. Your aspect is
softened. You have been boiled in bread and milk for years
and years, like other married men. Poor devil! [He disappears