Introduction 2

3. Apologize

Those two little words — I'm sorry — need to be heard by the person who's bearing the brunt of your mistake. "Please forgive me" is nice, too. It shows that you understand this person has a choice of whether or not to forgive the mistake. It acknowledges that you need forgiveness. And it puts the responsibility on the offended person, forcing them to either accept the apology, and thus, start moving on, or choose to ignore or refuse your apology and leave you with nothing else to do. Nobody wants to be the bad guy and refuse to accept an apology. If you don't verbally, directly apologize, however, the person who has been hurt doesn't have to make that choice to forgive and move on.¹⁸

4. Offer a Practical Way to Make Up for the Mistake

In a few, rare cases, there's really nothing you can do to make up for what's been done. Perhaps you accidentally hit a neighbor's beloved family dog with your car and killed it; offering to run out and buy a new puppy isn't going to fix things, so don't offer. However, in most cases, you can think of a way to make amends. If you've broken, lost, or otherwise damaged property, you should offer to pay for it. If you've hurt someone you're close to on a deep level, you might offer to go to counseling together. If you're at a loss for what to offer, ask: "What can I do to make this up to you?"

5. Give the Other Person Time to Think and Respond

The deeper the hurt, the more difficult it is for a person to let go of it. Don't force an immediate response. People need time to think, to process, and to let go of hurt feelings and offense. Make your direct acknowledgment, take responsibility, apologize, and offer a way to make amends; then step back and say something like, "I'll give you time to think this over." Offer another, specific time to talk so you don't forget to follow through with what you've said.

6. Listen and Respond

During both the initial conversation and when you follow up, take the time to let the other person talk. Sometimes what people need most is just to share how deeply they were hurt, or the repercussions of the mistake that's been made. Venting isn't fun to listen to, but it helps people sort through the feelings and get to the bottom line, which is where you need to both get in order to fix the mistake and move on.