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Living with grandparents:Good or bad?



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Living with grandparents:Good or bad?
It has provided more opportunities for kids to interact with their grandparents. However, the concept of nuclear families and mushrooming of old age homes have also taken root, which has been a significant challenge to the opportunity of living with grandparents. There has been an ongoing debate between child psychologists about the necessity of grandkids interacting with grandparents and the benefits obtained in the process. It provides an opportunity to investigate it further.
Studies have revealed that kids who have lived with their grandparents show a different development trajectory. This is because grandparents often have stories with moral teachings to narrate to their grandkids, which administers moral and ethical dosages in them. Kids also feel more comfortable in being taught by their grandparents as they experience both pure belongingness and patience in a big way. Furthermore, being from the old school, Grandparents emphasize the physical well-being of the kids with suitable outdoor activities along with the focus on balanced diet. In addition, a fun-filled environment provided by grandparents helps grandkids’ language skills and, in turn, helps them ward off depression and solidify family ties.
Coparenting-:
Grandparents love us unconditionally, and they are the ones who know our parents the best hence they also function as the best relationship consultant between children and parents.
It has been often experienced that Grandparents give better advice to kids when they encounter any problem at any level in life.
With their rich parenting experience, the grandparents can provide support, role modelling, and encouragement. This makes kids feel more positive and persistent, boosting their social interaction.
Given the shortage of affordable housing in the Bay Area, it’s becoming more common for aging parents to buy homes with and for their children and grandchildren. While the younger generation enjoys the financial and practical support provided by the grandparents, living under one roof can be challenging, especially if mutual expectations were not discussed beforehand. Building an “Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU)” may be the answer: a secondary house or apartment that shares the building lot of a larger, primary house.

As an Adult Family Mediator, I’ve recently worked with two families who are facing conflicts after buying a home with a grandparent. In both cases, the parties did not reach a clear understanding regarding financial and living arrangements before buying property together. A professional facilitator could have helped these families lead a discussion and draft agreements regarding the sharing of expenses and use of their jointly owned home. But what can be done after the purchase has been made and tensions have escalated?


In one of my recent cases, the relationships between grandma and her daughter and son-in-law were amicable enough that it took only one joint mediation session to agree on ground rules for continuing to live under one roof until a bigger property with separate units could be found. The other family’s situation is more challenging: While his son and daughter-in-law live with their children in the jointly owned home, grandpa lives in a nearby apartment with annually rising rents. When he comes to visit his grandchildren and work in the yard unannounced, his daughter-in-law gets upset, because she likes privacy for her and her children. Now grandpa has suggested building a cottage in the backyard, so he can save rent, enjoy the jointly owned property and be close to his grandchildren. He asked his son and daughter-in-law to participate in mediation, so they can find a housing arrangement that brings peace to all three generations.


Whether or not adding an “ADU” is a viable option for this client, more and more families are considering this option for intergenerational living on the same property, especially after California relaxed the requirements for building such units at the beginning of this year. Separate “in-law cottages” may offer an opportunity to create affordable housing while balancing needs for close family connection and privacy. I just hope that people will discuss their visions for sharing a property and reach clear agreements before they embark on the ADU permitting process.

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