Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

CHAPTER 3
DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL
IT
I
t was 1998 and I was standing in a narrow hallway outside
an apartment on the twenty-seventh floor of a high-rise in
Harlem. I was the head of the New York City FBI Crisis
Negotiation Team, and that day I was the primary
negotiator.
The investigative squad had reported that at least three
heavily armed fugitives were holed up inside. Several days
earlier the fugitives had used automatic weapons in a shoot-
out with a rival gang, so the New York City FBI SWAT
team was arrayed behind me, and our snipers were on
nearby rooftops with rifles trained on the apartment
windows.
In tense situations like this, the traditional negotiating
advice is to keep a poker face. Don’t get emotional. Until
recently, most academics and researchers completely
ignored the role of emotion in negotiation. Emotions were
just an obstacle to a good outcome, they said. “Separate the
people from the problem” was the common refrain.
But think about that: How can you separate people from
the problem when their emotions are the problem?

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Especially when they are scared people with guns. Emotions
are one of the main things that derail communication. Once
people get upset at one another, rational thinking goes out
the window.
That’s why, instead of denying or ignoring emotions,
good negotiators identify and influence them. They are able
to precisely label emotions, those of others and especially
their own. And once they label the emotions they talk about
them without getting wound up. For them, emotion is a tool.
Emotions aren’t the obstacles, they are the means.
The relationship between an emotionally intelligent
negotiator and their counterpart is essentially therapeutic. It
duplicates that of a psychotherapist with a patient. The
psychotherapist pokes and prods to understand his patient’s
problems, and then turns the responses back onto the patient
to get him to go deeper and change his behavior. That’s
exactly what good negotiators do.
Getting to this level of emotional intelligence demands
opening up your senses, talking less, and listening more.
You can learn almost everything you need—and a lot more
than other people would like you to know—simply by
watching and listening, keeping your eyes peeled and your
ears open, and your mouth shut.
Think about the therapist’s couch as you read the
following sections. You’ll see how a soothing voice, close
listening, and a calm repetition of the words of your
“patient” can get you a lot further than a cold, rational
argument.

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It may sound touchy-feely, but if you can perceive the
emotions of others, you have a chance to turn them to your
advantage. The more you know about someone, the more
power you have.