Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

GET A SEAT—AND AN UPGRADE—ON A SOLD-OUT
FLIGHT
Up to this point, we’ve been building each skill as if they
were musical instruments: first, try the saxophone mirror;
now here’s the bass label; and finally, why don’t you blow a
note on the French horn of tactical silence. But in a real
negotiation the band all plays together. So you’ve got to
learn how to conduct.
Keeping all the instruments playing is really awkward
for most people. It seems to go by in such a rush. So what
I’m going to do here is play a song at slow speed so you can
hear each instrument note by note. I promise you’ll quickly
see how the skills you have been building play off one

---

another, rising, riffing, falling, and pausing in perfect
harmony.
Here is the situation (the song, if you will): My student
Ryan B. was flying from Baltimore to Austin to sign a large
computer-consulting contract. For six months, the client
representative had gone back and forth on whether he
wanted the services, but a major system collapse put the
representative in a tight spot with his CEO. To shift the
blame, he called Ryan with his CEO on the line and very
aggressively demanded to know why it was taking Ryan so
long to come ink the contract. If Ryan was not there by
Friday morning, he said, the deal was off.
Ryan bought a ticket for the next morning, Thursday,
but a freak lightning storm whipped up in Baltimore, closing
the airport for five hours. It became painfully clear that
Ryan wasn’t going to make his original connection to
Austin from Dallas. Worse, when he called American
Airlines just before departing, he found that his connection
had been automatically rebooked to 3 p.m. the next day,
putting the contract in jeopardy.
When Ryan finally got to Dallas at 8 p.m., he ran to the
gate where the day’s final American Airlines flight to Austin
was less than thirty minutes from takeoff. His goal was to
get on that flight or, at worst, get an earlier flight the next
day.
In front of him at the gate, a very aggressive couple was
yelling at the gate agent, who was barely looking at them as
she tapped on the computer in front of her; she was clearly

---

making every effort not to scream back. After she’d said,
“There’s nothing I can do,” five times, the angry couple
finally gave up and left.
To start, watch how Ryan turns that heated exchange to
his advantage. Following on the heels of an argument is a
great position for a negotiator, because your counterpart is
desperate for an empathetic connection. Smile, and you’re
already an improvement.
“Hi, Wendy, I’m Ryan. It seems like they were pretty
upset.”
This labels the negative and establishes a rapport based
on empathy. This in turn encourages Wendy to elaborate on
her situation, words Ryan then mirrors to invite her to go
further.
“Yeah. They missed their connection. We’ve had a fair
amount of delays because of the weather.”
“The weather?”
After Wendy explains how the delays in the Northeast
had rippled through the system, Ryan again labels the
negative and then mirrors her answer to encourage her to
delve further.
“It seems like it’s been a hectic day.”
“There’ve been a lot of ‘irate consumers,’ you know? I
mean, I get it, even though I don’t like to be yelled at. A lot
of people are trying to get to Austin for the big game.”
“The big game?”
“UT is playing Ole Miss football and every flight into
Austin has been booked solid.”

---

“Booked solid?”
Now let’s pause. Up to this point, Ryan has been using
labels and mirrors to build a relationship with Wendy. To
her it must seem like idle chatter, though, because he hasn’t
asked for anything. Unlike the angry couple, Ryan is
acknowledging her situation. His words ping-pong between
“What’s that?” and “I hear you,” both of which invite her to
elaborate.
Now that the empathy has been built, she lets slip a piece
of information he can use.
“Yeah, all through the weekend. Though who knows
how many people will make the flights. The weather’s
probably going to reroute a lot of people through a lot of
different places.”
Here’s where Ryan finally swoops in with an ask. But
notice how he acts: not assertive or coldly logical, but with
empathy and labeling that acknowledges her situation and
tacitly puts them in the same boat.
“Well, it seems like you’ve been handling the rough day
pretty well,” he says. “I was also affected by the weather
delays and missed my connecting flight. It seems like this
flight is likely booked solid, but with what you said, maybe
someone affected by the weather might miss this
connection. Is there any possibility a seat will be open?”
Listen to that riff: Label, tactical empathy, label. And
only then a request.
At this point, Wendy says nothing and begins typing on
her computer. Ryan, who’s eager not to talk himself out of a

---

possible deal, engages in some silence. After thirty seconds,
Wendy prints a boarding pass and hands it to Ryan,
explaining that there were a few seats that were supposed to
be filled by people who would now arrive much later than
the flight’s departure. To make Ryan’s success even better,
she puts him in Economy Plus seating.
All that in under two minutes!
The next time you find yourself following an angry
customer at a corner store or airplane line, take a moment
and practice labels and mirrors on the service person. I
promise they won’t scream, “Don’t try to control me!” and
burst into flames—and you might walk away with a little
more than you expected.