KEY LESSONS
Who has control in a conversation, the guy listening or the
guy talking?
The listener, of course.
That’s because the talker is revealing information while
the listener, if he’s trained well, is directing the conversation
toward his own goals. He’s harnessing the talker’s energy
for his own ends.
When you try to work the skills from this chapter into
your daily life, remember that these are listener’s tools. They
are not about strong-arming your opponent into submission.
Rather, they’re about using the counterpart’s power to get to
your objective. They’re listener’s judo.
As you put listener’s judo into practice, remember the
following powerful lessons:
■
Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that
you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the
enemy of constructive negotiation.
■
Avoid questions that can be answered with
“Yes” or tiny pieces of information. These
require little thought and inspire the human need
for reciprocity; you will be expected to give
something back.
■
Ask calibrated questions that start with the words
“How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other
party for help, these questions will give your
counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire
them to speak at length, revealing important
information.
■
Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless
you want your counterpart to defend a goal that
serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in
any language.
■
Calibrate
your
questions
to
point
your
counterpart toward solving your problem. This
will encourage them to expend their energy on
devising a solution.
■
Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a
negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional
reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a
calibrated question.
■
There is always a team on the other side. If you
are not influencing those behind the table, you
are vulnerable.
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