Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

CALIBRATE YOUR QUESTIONS

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A few years ago, I was consulting with a client who had a
small firm that did public relations for a large corporation.
The folks at the big company were not paying their bills,
and as time went on, they owed my client more and more
money. They kept her on the hook by promising lots of
repeat business, implying that she would get a pile of
revenue if she just kept working. She felt trapped.
My advice for her was simple: I told her to engage them
in a conversation where she summarized the situation and
then asked, “How am I supposed to do that?”
She shook her head. No way. The idea of having to ask
this question just terrified her. “If they tell me I have to, then
I’m trapped!” was her reaction.
She also heard the question as “You’re screwing me out
of money and it has to stop.” That sounded like the first step
to her getting fired as a consultant.
I explained to her that this implication, though real, was
in her mind. Her client would hear the words and not the
implication as long as she kept calm and avoided making it
sound by her delivery like an accusation or threat. As long
as she stayed cool, they would hear it as a problem to be
solved.
She didn’t quite believe me. We walked through the
script several times, but she was still afraid. Then a few days
later she called me, totally giddy with happiness. The client
had called with another request and she had finally gotten
up the courage to summarize the situation, and ask, “How
am I supposed to do that?”

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And you know what? The answer she got was “You’re
right, you can’t and I apologize.” Her client explained that
they were going through some internal problems, but she
was given a new accounting contact and told she’d be paid
within forty-eight hours. And she was.
Now, think about how my client’s question worked:
without accusing them of anything, it pushed the big
company to understand her problem and offer the solution
she wanted. That in a nutshell is the whole point of open-
ended questions that are calibrated for a specific effect.
Like the softening words and phrases “perhaps,”
“maybe,” “I think,” and “it seems,” the calibrated open-
ended question takes the aggression out of a confrontational
statement or close-ended request that might otherwise anger
your counterpart. What makes them work is that they are
subject to interpretation by your counterpart instead of being
rigidly defined. They allow you to introduce ideas and
requests without sounding overbearing or pushy.
And that’s the difference between “You’re screwing me
out of money, and it has to stop” and “How am I supposed
to do that?”
The real beauty of calibrated questions is the fact that
they offer no target for attack like statements do. Calibrated
questions have the power to educate your counterpart on
what the problem is rather than causing conflict by telling
them what the problem is.
But calibrated questions are not just random requests for
comment. They have a direction: once you figure out where

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you want a conversation to go, you have to design the
questions that will ease the conversation in that direction
while letting the other guy think it’s his choice to take you
there.
That’s why I refer to these questions as calibrated
questions. You have to calibrate them carefully, just like
you would calibrate a gun sight or a measuring scale, to
target a specific problem.
The good news is that there are rules for that.
First off, calibrated questions avoid verbs or words like
“can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.” These are closed-ended
questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or a
“no.” Instead, they start with a list of words people know as
reporter’s questions: “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,”
“why,” and “how.” Those words inspire your counterpart to
think and then speak expansively.
But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with
“what,” “how,” and sometimes “why.” Nothing else.
“Who,” “when,” and “where” will often just get your
counterpart to share a fact without thinking. And “why” can
backfire. Regardless of what language the word “why” is
translated into, it’s accusatory. There are very rare moments
when this is to your advantage.
The only time you can use “why” successfully is when
the defensiveness that is created supports the change you
are trying to get them to see. “Why would you ever change
from the way you’ve always done things and try my
approach?” is an example. “Why would your company ever

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change from your long-standing vendor and choose our
company?” is another. As always, tone of voice, respectful
and deferential, is critical.
Otherwise, treat “why” like a burner on a hot stove—
don’t touch it.
Having just two words to start with might not seem like a
lot of ammunition, but trust me, you can use “what” and
“how” to calibrate nearly any question. “Does this look like
something you would like?” can become “How does this
look to you?” or “What about this works for you?” You can
even ask, “What about this doesn’t work for you?” and
you’ll probably trigger quite a bit of useful information from
your counterpart.
Even something as harsh as “Why did you do it?” can be
calibrated to “What caused you to do it?” which takes away
the emotion and makes the question less accusatory.
You should use calibrated questions early and often, and
there are a few that you will find that you will use in the
beginning of nearly every negotiation. “What is the biggest
challenge you face?” is one of those questions. It just gets
the other side to teach you something about themselves,
which is critical to any negotiation because all negotiation is
an information-gathering process.
Here are some other great standbys that I use in almost
every negotiation, depending on the situation:
■
What about this is important to you?
■
How can I help to make this better for us?

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■
How would you like me to proceed?
■
What is it that brought us into this situation?
■
How can we solve this problem?
■
What’s the objective? / What are we trying to
accomplish here?
■
How am I supposed to do that?
The implication of any well-designed calibrated question
is that you want what the other guy wants but you need his
intelligence to overcome the problem. This really appeals to
very aggressive or egotistical counterparts.
You’ve not only implicitly asked for help—triggering
goodwill and less defensiveness—but you’ve engineered a
situation in which your formerly recalcitrant counterpart is
now using his mental and emotional resources to overcome
your challenges. It is the first step in your counterpart
internalizing your way—and the obstacles in it—as his own.
And that guides the other party toward designing a solution.
Your solution.
Think back to how the doctor used calibrated questions
to get his patient to stay. As his story showed, the key to
getting people to see things your way is not to confront
them on their ideas (“You can’t leave”) but to acknowledge
their ideas openly (“I understand why you’re pissed off”)
and then guide them toward solving the problem (“What do

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you hope to accomplish by leaving?”).
Like I said before, the secret to gaining the upper hand
in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of
control. That’s why calibrated questions are ingenious:
Calibrated questions make your counterpart feel like they’re
in charge, but it’s really you who are framing the
conversation. Your counterpart will have no idea how
constrained they are by your questions.
Once I was negotiating with one of my FBI bosses about
attending a Harvard executive program. He had already
approved the expenditure for the travel, but on the day
before I was supposed to leave he called me into his office
and began to question the validity of the trip.
I knew him well enough to know that he was trying to
show me that he was in charge. So after we talked for a
while, I looked at him and asked, “When you originally
approved this trip, what did you have in mind?”
He visibly relaxed as he sat back in his chair and
brought the top of his fingers and thumbs together in the
shape of a steeple. Generally this is a body language that
means the person feels superior and in charge.
“Listen,” he said, “just make sure you brief everyone
when you get back.”
That question, calibrated to acknowledge his power and
nudge him toward explaining himself, gave him the illusion
of control.
And it got me just what I wanted.

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