Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

THE 7-38-55 PERCENT RULE
In two famous studies on what makes us like or dislike
somebody,1 UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian
created the 7-38-55 rule. That is, only 7 percent of a
message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from
the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker’s body
language and face.
While these figures mainly relate to situations where we
are forming an attitude about somebody, the rule
nonetheless offers a useful ratio for negotiators. You see,
body language and tone of voice—not words—are our most
powerful assessment tools. That’s why I’ll often fly great
distances to meet someone face-to-face, even when I can
say much of what needs to be said over the phone.
So how do you use this rule? First, pay very close
attention to tone and body language to make sure they
match up with the literal meaning of the words. If they don’t
align, it’s quite possible that the speaker is lying or at least
unconvinced.
When someone’s tone of voice or body language does
not align with the meaning of the words they say, use labels
to discover the source of the incongruence.
Here’s an example:
You: “So we’re agreed?”
Them: “Yes . . .”
You: “I heard you say, ‘Yes,’ but it seemed like there
was hesitation in your voice.”

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Them: “Oh, it’s nothing really.”
You: “No, this is important, let’s make sure we get this
right.”
Them: “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
This is the way to make sure your agreement gets
implemented with no surprises. And your counterpart will
be grateful. Your act of recognizing the incongruence and
gently dealing with it through a label will make them feel
respected. Consequently, your relationship of trust will be
improved.
THE RULE OF THREE
I’m positive that sometime in your life you’ve been
involved in a negotiation where you got a “Yes” that later
turned out to be a “No.” Maybe the other party was lying to
you, or maybe they were just engaged in wishful thinking.
Either way, this is not an uncommon experience.
This happens because there are actually three kinds of
“Yes”: Commitment, Confirmation, and Counterfeit.
As we discussed in Chapter 5, so many pushy salesman
try to trap their clients into the Commitment “Yes” that
many people get very good at the Counterfeit “Yes. “
One great tool for avoiding this trap is the Rule of Three.
The Rule of Three is simply getting the other guy to
agree to the same thing three times in the same
conversation. It’s tripling the strength of whatever dynamic
you’re trying to drill into at the moment. In doing so, it
uncovers problems before they happen. It’s really hard to

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repeatedly lie or fake conviction.
When I first learned this skill, my biggest fear was how
to avoid sounding like a broken record or coming off as
really pushy.
The answer, I learned, is to vary your tactics.
The first time they agree to something or give you a
commitment, that’s No. 1. For No. 2 you might label or
summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.”
And No. 3 could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question
about implementation that asks them to explain what will
constitute success, something like “What do we do if we get
off track?”
Or the three times might just be the same calibrated
question phrased three different ways, like “What’s the
biggest challenge you faced? What are we up against here?
What do you see as being the most difficult thing to get
around?”
Either way, going at the same issue three times uncovers
falsehoods as well as the incongruences between words and
body language we mentioned in the last section. So next
time you’re not sure your counterpart is truthful and
committed, try it.