Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

ASSERTIVE
The Assertive type believes time is money; every wasted
minute is a wasted dollar. Their self-image is linked to how
many things they can get accomplished in a period of time.
For them, getting the solution perfect isn’t as important as
getting it done.
Assertives are fiery people who love winning above all
else, often at the expense of others. Their colleagues and
counterparts never question where they stand because they
are always direct and candid. They have an aggressive
communication style and they don’t worry about future
interactions. Their view of business relationships is based on
respect, nothing more and nothing less.
Most of all, the Assertive wants to be heard. And not
only do they want to be heard, but they don’t actually have
the ability to listen to you until they know that you’ve heard
them. They focus on their own goals rather than people.
And they tell rather than ask.
When you’re dealing with Assertive types, it’s best to
focus on what they have to say, because once they are
convinced you understand them, then and only then will
they listen for your point of view.
To an Assertive, every silence is an opportunity to speak
more. Mirrors are a wonderful tool with this type. So are

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calibrated questions, labels, and summaries. The most
important thing to get from an Assertive will be a “that’s
right” that may come in the form of a “that’s it exactly” or
“you hit it on the head.”
When it comes to reciprocity, this type is of the “give an
inch/take a mile” mentality. They will have figured they
deserve whatever you have given them so they will be
oblivious to expectations of owing something in return.
They will actually simply be looking for the opportunity to
receive more. If they have given some kind of concession,
they are surely counting the seconds until they get
something in return.
If you are an Assertive, be particularly conscious of your
tone. You will not intend to be overly harsh but you will
often come off that way. Intentionally soften your tone and
work to make it more pleasant. Use calibrated questions and
labels with your counterpart since that will also make you
more approachable and increase the chances for
collaboration.
We’ve seen how each of these groups views the importance
of time differently (time = preparation; time = relationship;
time = money). They also have completely different
interpretations of silence.
I’m definitely an Assertive, and at a conference this
Accommodator type told me that he blew up a deal. I
thought, What did you do, scream at the other guy and
leave? Because that’s me blowing up a deal.
But it turned out that he went silent; for an

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Accommodator type, silence is anger.
For Analysts, though, silence means they want to think.
And Assertive types interpret your silence as either you
don’t have anything to say or you want them to talk. I’m
one, so I know: the only time I’m silent is when I’ve run out
of things to say.
The funny thing is when these cross over. When an
Analyst pauses to think, their Accommodator counterpart
gets nervous and an Assertive one starts talking, thereby
annoying the Analyst, who thinks to herself, Every time I try
to think you take that as an opportunity to talk some more.
Won’t you ever shut up?
Before we move on I want to talk about why people often
fail to identify their counterpart’s style.
The greatest obstacle to accurately identifying someone
else’s style is what I call the “I am normal” paradox. That is,
our hypothesis that the world should look to others as it
looks to us. After all, who wouldn’t make that assumption?
But while innocent and understandable, thinking you’re
normal is one of the most damaging assumptions in
negotiations. With it, we unconsciously project our own
style on the other side. But with three types of negotiators in
the world, there’s a 66 percent chance your counterpart has
a different style than yours. A different “normal.”
A CEO once told me he expected nine of ten negotiations to
fail. This CEO was likely projecting his beliefs onto the
other side. In reality, he probably only matched with

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someone like-minded one of ten times. If he understood that
his counterpart was different from him, he would most
surely have increased his success rate.
From the way they prepare to the way they engage in
dialogue, the three types negotiate differently. So before you
can even think about bargaining effectively, you have to
understand your counterpart’s “normal.” You have to
identify their type by opening yourself to their difference.
Because when it comes to negotiating, the Golden Rule is
wrong.
The Black Swan rule is don’t treat others the way you
want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be
treated.
(I’ve got a complementary PDF available that will help
you identify your type and that of those around you. Please
visit http://info .blackswanltd.com/3-types.)