Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

NO NEEDINESS: HAVING THE READY-TO-WALK
MINDSET
We’ve said previously that no deal is better than a bad deal.
If you feel you can’t say “No” then you’ve taken yourself
hostage.
Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have
to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal.
Before we move on, I want to emphasize how important it is
to maintain a collaborative relationship even when you’re
setting boundaries. Your response must always be expressed
in the form of strong, yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries
—that is, tough love—not as hatred or violence. Anger and
other strong emotions can on rare occasions be effective.
But only as calculated acts, never a personal attack. In any

---

bare-knuckle bargaining session, the most vital principle to
keep in mind is never to look at your counterpart as an
enemy.
The person across the table is never the problem. The
unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. This is one of the
most basic tactics for avoiding emotional escalations. Our
culture demonizes people in movies and politics, which
creates the mentality that if we only got rid of the person
then everything would be okay. But this dynamic is toxic to
any negotiation.
Punching back is a last resort. Before you go there, I
always suggest an attempt at de-escalating the situation.
Suggest a time-out. When your counterparts step back and
take a breath, they’ll no longer feel that they are hostage to a
bad situation. They’ll regain a sense of agency and power.
And they’ll appreciate you for that.
Think of punching back and boundary-setting tactics as
a flattened S-curve: you’ve accelerated up the slope of a
negotiation and hit a plateau that requires you to temporarily
stop any progress, escalate or de-escalate the issue acting as
the obstacle, and eventually bring the relationship back to a
state of rapport and get back on the slope. Taking a positive,
constructive approach to conflict involves understanding
that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create
an enemy.