Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

KEY LESSONS
Using this chapter’s tools in daily life is difficult for many
people because they go directly against one of society’s
biggest social dictums. That is, “Be nice.”
We’ve instrumentalized niceness as a way of greasing
the social wheels, yet it’s often a ruse. We’re polite and we
don’t disagree to get through daily existence with the least
degree of friction. But by turning niceness into a lubricant,
we’ve leeched it of meaning. A smile and a nod might
signify “Get me out of here!” as much as it means “Nice to
meet you.”

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That’s death for a good negotiator, who gains their
power by understanding their counterpart’s situation and
extracting information about their counterpart’s desires and
needs. Extracting that information means getting the other
party to feel safe and in control. And while it may sound
contradictory, the way to get there is by getting the other
party to disagree, to draw their own boundaries, to define
their desires as a function of what they do not want.
As you try to put the chapter’s methods to use, I
encourage you to think of them as the anti–“niceness ruse.”
Not in the sense that they are unkind, but in the sense that
they are authentic. Triggering “No” peels away the plastic
falsehood of “Yes” and gets you to what’s really at stake.
Along the way, keep in mind these powerful lessons:
■
Break the habit of attempting to get people to say
“yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people
defensive. Our love of hearing “yes” makes us
blind to the defensiveness we ourselves feel
when someone is pushing us to say it.
■
“No” is not a failure. We have learned that “No”
is the anti-“Yes” and therefore a word to be
avoided at all costs. But it really often just means
“Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Learn
how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the
negotiation, but the beginning.
■
“Yes” is the final goal of a negotiation, but don’t

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aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes”
too quickly in a conversation—“Do you like to
drink water, Mr. Smith?”—gets his guard up and
paints you as an untrustworthy salesman.
■
Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure,
and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they
don’t want, your counterpart defines their space
and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to
you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is
always better than “Do you have a few minutes
to talk?”
■
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart
to listen and engage with you is by forcing them
into
a
“No.”
That
means
intentionally
mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or
asking a ridiculous question—like, “It seems like
you want this project to fail”—that can only be
answered negatively.
■
Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about
how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s
about the other party convincing themselves that
the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t
beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them
questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not
about you.

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■
If a potential business partner is ignoring you,
contact them with a clear and concise “No”-
oriented question that suggests that you are ready
to walk away. “Have you given up on this
project?” works wonders.

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