Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

THE SIMILARITY PRINCIPLE

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Research by social scientists has confirmed something
effective negotiators have known for ages: namely, we trust
people more when we view them as being similar or
familiar.
People trust those who are in their in-group. Belonging is
a primal instinct. And if you can trigger that instinct, that
sense that, “Oh, we see the world the same way,” then you
immediately gain influence.
When our counterpart displays attitudes, beliefs, ideas—
even modes of dress—that are similar to our own, we tend
to like and trust them more. Similarities as shallow as club
memberships or college alumni status increase rapport.
That’s why in many cultures negotiators spend large
amounts of time building rapport before they even think of
offers. Both sides know that the information they glean
could be vital to effective deal making and leverage
building. It’s a bit like dogs circling each other, smelling
each other’s behind.
I once worked a deal for our services with this CEO in
Ohio where the similarity principle played a major role.
My counterpart was constantly making references that I
recognized as being sort of born-again Christian material.
As we talked he kept going back and forth on whether he
should bring in his advisors. The whole issue of his advisors
clearly pained him; at one point he even said, “Nobody
understands me.”
At that moment I began to rack my brain for the
Christian word that captured the essence of what he was

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saying. And then the term came to my mind, a term people
often used in church to describe the duty one had to
administer our own and our world’s—and therefore God’s—
resources with honesty, accountability, and responsibility.
“This is really stewardship for you, isn’t it?” I said.
His voice immediately strengthened.
“Yes! You’re the only one who understands,” he said.
And he hired us at that moment. By showing that I
understood his deeper reasons for being and accessing a
sense of similarity, of mutual belongingness, I was able to
bring him to the deal. The minute I established a kind of
shared identity with this Christian, we were in. Not simply
because of similarity alone, but because of the
understanding implied by that moment of similarity.