50 Successful Harvard Application Essays

K
EVIN 
D
ONG
Fields, farmlands, forests speed by. I catch glimpses of glimmering bodies of water. The beauty of it
all stuns me and yearns for my exploration. Architecture passes by: expansive jetties, intricate
bridges, quaint buildings. I wonder how these structures are built or even conceived of. Similarly, I
ponder the existence of the complex machinery and myriad vehicles I spot from the train. Yet the
overarching mystery that shrouds these sights is the unsung history behind each of them.
I pull myself back from the window, pleasantly overwhelmed by the spectacular view. Today I sit
alone. I am journeying to my father ’s apartment, several states away. Shuttling between the companies
of two loving parents, ironically without company. But I could not have asked for a better opportunity
to meditate.
Opening my small notebook and with pencil in hand, I begin to explain my thoughts to the pages. I
introduce the scientific law of conservation from which I derive my latest conjecture. The question:
“If physical quantities such as energy are conserved, then is skill conserved?” The answer, I reason:
“Yes.” Every human being begins with the same net skill; when he or she excels in a particular
activity, proficiency in another is lost to maintain balance. The apparent truth of this statement
intrigues me as I consider its manifestations in society.
I suddenly begin to ponder its personal implications. Have I spread myself thin, like a dab of paint
suffused across a broad surface? I like to dabble. I am so much more than just the academic on paper.
I have checked on the ice, smashed a tennis ball, and raced in the waters. I play violin and sing in
choir. I follow the news; I write creatively; I listen to music. I am an amateur video gamer and a
budding tech geek, but also a grassroots environmentalist and a dedicated volunteer. And I devote
what free time remains to my thoughts, my friends, and my family.
So much I have tried, so much I have learned, so much I have experienced. Yet I am neither an
incompetent novice nor a world-renowned expert at any of these activities. I possess substantial skill
in all and though I have not peaked, my interests have been piqued. I am just a high school student,
sampling dishes and trying to figure out what he likes best.
I am just a high school student
. My thoughts dissolve back into reality. In the vacant seat next to me,
my backpack lies with my notebook tossed on top. In my hand, I contemplatively twirl my pencil. I
look back out the window at the passing landscapes, now engulfed in twilight. I recall the racing
thoughts from earlier today and realize that even in them, my interests were scattered. I am a curious
puppy thrust into a beautiful new world. So what shall I do now? I will apply the next coat of paint and
see where it dries thickest.

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REVIEW
Kevin’s essay is highly relatable—it is an endearing account of a person still very much undecided
about the course of his life, a state that doubtless many college applicants find themselves in. Kevin
has crafted a number of very beautiful sentences and images, and the flow of his writing is unique. Of
particular note are Kevin’s descriptions of what he sees outside of the train—his sentence, “Fields,
farmlands, forests speed by,” is elegant not only for its brevity, but for its mimetic similarity to how
things are seen out of a fast-moving train. Still, at times the essay reads as though Kevin was trying
too hard, with too many SAT words and too little genuine feeling behind them. Sentences like, “I
introduce the scientific law of conservation from which I derive my latest conjecture,” attempt to
prove that Kevin is intelligent, and the essay loses its relatability in the mire of unnatural language.
Kevin’s writing is at its best when it’s clean and simple; where he strays from this, the prose can
become overwrought, and distracts from Kevin’s message.
Furthermore, some of the clarity of Kevin’s essay is lost in too many metaphors. For example in
his last paragraph, Kevin describes himself as a puppy, and then two sentences later resolves to “apply
the next coat of paint” as if he were an artist? Even without the mixed metaphors, his last sentence
might be difficult to understand for a harried admissions officer—his last reference to the paint
metaphor appeared a number of paragraphs earlier. Kevin’s image of “paint suffused across a broad
surface” is a novel and interesting one—had he pruned away his many other comparisons and instead
concentrated and developed this one, his essay would have made gains in both style and clarity.
Kevin’s essay thus serves as a good lesson in both its successes and its failings: In a medium as short
as a personal statement, natural-feeling language and a clear, unified vision are key.
—Erica X. Eisen

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