Rating: ★★★★☆ Tags: Mystery Detective, General, Fiction

I want a divorce. I am in love with someone
else. We have to end. I can’t pretend to love you, I can’t do
the anniversary thing – it would actually be more wrong
than cheating on you in the first place
. (I know: debatable.)
But while I was gathering the guts, Amy had preempted me
with her speech about still loving me (lying bitch!), and I lost
my nerve. I felt like the ultimate cheat and coward, and – the
catch-22 – I craved Andie to make me feel better.
But Andie was no longer the antidote to my nerves.

---

Quite the opposite.
The girl was wrapping herself around me even now,
oblivious as a weed.
‘Look, Andie,’ I said, a big exhale, not letting her sit
down, keeping her near the door. ‘You are such a special
person to me. You’ve handled all this so amazingly well—’
Make her want to keep you safe
.
‘I mean …’ Her voice wavered. ‘I feel so sorry, for Amy.
Which is insane. I know I don’t even have a right to feel sad
for her, or worried. And on top of feeling sad, I feel so
guilty.’ She leaned her head against my chest. I retreated,
held her at arm’s length so she had to look at me.
‘Well, that’s one thing I think we can fix. I think we need
to fix,’ I said, pulling up Tanner’s exact words.
‘We should go to the police,’ she said. ‘I’m your alibi
for that morning, we’ll just tell them.’
‘You’re my alibi for about an hour that morning,’ I said.
‘No one saw or heard Amy after eleven p.m. the night
before. The police can say I killed her before I saw you.’
‘That’s disgusting.’
I shrugged. I thought, for a second, about telling her
about Amy – 
my wife is framing me
– and quickly
dismissed it. Andie couldn’t play the game on Amy’s level.
She’d want to be my teammate, and she’d drag me down.
Andie would be a liability going forward. I put my hands on
her arms again, relaunched my speech.
‘Look, Andie, we are both under an amazing amount of
stress and pressure, and a lot of it is brought on by our
feelings of guilt. Andie, the thing is, we are good people.
We were attracted to each other, I think, because we both
have similar values. Of treating people right, of doing the

---

right thing. And right now we know what we are doing is
wrong.’
Her broken, hopeful expression changed – the wet
eyes, the gentle touch, they disappeared: a weird flicker, a
window shade pulled down, something darker in her face.
‘We need to end this, Andie. I think we both know that.
It’s so hard, but it’s the decent thing to do. I think it’s the
advice we’d give ourselves if we could think straight. As
much as I love you, I am still married to Amy. I have to do
the right thing.’
‘And if she’s found?’ She didn’t say 
dead or alive
.
‘That’s something we can discuss then.’
‘Then! And until then, what?’
I shrugged helplessly: 
Until then, nothing
.
‘What, Nick? I fuck off until then?’
‘That’s an ugly choice of words.’
‘But that’s what you mean.’ She smirked.
‘I’m sorry, Andie. I don’t think it’s right for me to be with
you right now. It’s dangerous for you, it’s dangerous for me.
It doesn’t sit well with my conscience. It’s just how I feel.’
‘Yeah? You know how I feel?’ Her eyes burst over,
tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘I feel like a dumb
college girl that you started fucking because you were
bored with your wife and I made it extremely convenient for
you. You could go home to Amy and eat dinner with her and
play around in your little bar that you bought with her money,
and then you could meet me at your dying dad’s house and
jack off on my tits because, poor you, your mean wife would
never let you do that.’
‘Andie, you know that’s not—’
‘What a shit you are. What kind of man are you?’

---

‘Andie, please.’ 
Contain this, Nick
. ‘I think because
you haven’t been able to talk about this stuff, everything has
gotten a little bigger in your mind, a little—’
‘Fuck you. You think I’m some dumb kid, some
pathetic student you can 
manage
? I stick by you through all
this – this talk about how you might be a 
murderer
– and as
soon as it’s a little tough for you? No, 
no
. You don’t get to
talk about conscience and decency and guilt and feel like
you are doing the right thing. Do you understand me?
Because you are a cheating, cowardly, selfish 
shit
.’
She turned away from me, sobbing, sucking in loud
gulps of moist air, and breathing out mewls, and I tried to
stop her, I grabbed her by the arm. ‘Andie, this isn’t how I
want to—’
‘Hands off me! Hands off me!’
She moved toward the back door, and I could see
what would happen, the hatred and embarrassment coming
off her like heat, I knew she’d open a bottle of wine, or two,
and then she’d tell a friend, or her mother, and it would
spread like an infection.
I moved in front of her, barring her way to the door –
Andie, please
– and she reached up to slap me, and I
grabbed her arm, just for defense. Our joined arms moved
up and down and up and down like crazed dance partners.
‘Let me go, Nick, or I swear.’
‘Just stay for a minute. Just listen to me.’
‘You, let me go!’
She moved her face toward mine like she was going
to kiss me. She bit me. I jerked back and she shot out the
door.

---