Reminders of Him

I just wanted to die.
I walked out into the street at what I’m guessing was
around eleven at night, and a car had to swerve to miss
me. I tried three times, with three different cars, but none
of them hit me, and all of them were angry that I was in
the road at dark. I got honked at and cussed at, but no one
put me out of my misery, and no one helped me. I had
already walked over a mile, and I didn’t know how far
away I was from my apartment, but I knew if I could just
get there, I could step off my fourth-floor apartment
balcony, because that was the only thing I could think to
do in that moment. I wanted to be with you, but in my
mind, you were no longer trapped under your car in that
wreck. You were somewhere else, floating around in the

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dark, and I was determined to join you because what was
the point? You were my whole point.
I began to shrink with every second that passed, until
I felt invisible.
And that’s the last thing I remember. There’s a long
stretch of nothing between me leaving you and me even
realizing I left you.
Hours.
Your family was told I walked home and fell asleep,
but that’s not exactly what happened. I’m almost positive
I fainted from shock, because when the cops beat on my
bedroom door the next morning and I opened my eyes, I
was on the floor. I noticed a small puddle of blood on the
floor next to my head. I must have hit my head going
down, but I didn’t have time to inspect it because police
were in my bedroom and one of them had his hand on my
arm and he was lifting me to my feet.
That’s the last time I ever saw my bedroom.
I remember my roommate Clarissa looked horrified.
It wasn’t because she was horrified for me. She was
horrified for herself. It was as if she had been living with
a murderer all this time and had no idea. Her boyfriend,
we could never remember his name—Jason or Jackson or
Justin—was comforting her like I had ruined her day.
I almost apologized to her, but I couldn’t get my
thoughts to connect with my voice. I had questions, I was
confused, I was weak, I was hurting. But the most
powerful of all the feelings flooding me in that moment
was my loneliness.
Little did I know, that feeling would become
perpetual. Permanent. I knew when they put me in the
back seat of the police car that my life had reached its
peak with you, and nothing that came after you would
ever matter.
There was before you and there was during you. For
some reason, I never thought there would be an after you.

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But there was, and I was in it.
I’ll be in it forever.
There’s still more to read, but my throat is dry and my nerves are shot and
I’m scared of what Ledger is thinking of me right now. He’s gripping the
steering wheel so hard his knuckles have turned white.
I reach for my bottle of water and take a long drink. Ledger directs his
car all the way up his driveway, and when we reach his house, he puts his
truck in park and leans his elbow against his door. He doesn’t look at me.
“Keep reading.”
My hands are shaking now. I don’t know if I can continue to read
without crying, but I don’t think he’d care even if I read through my tears. I
take another drink and then start reading the next chapter.
Dear Scotty,
This is what it was like in the interrogation room.
Them: How much did you have to drink?
Me: Silence
Them: Who took you home after the wreck?
Me: Silence
Them: Are you on any other illegal substances?