Reminders of Him

am not a bad person.
It took five years of weekly therapy sessions to help me realize this. I
only recently learned how to say it out loud. “I am not a bad person.”
I’ve been listening to the playlist Ledger made me all morning. It
really is just a bunch of songs that have nothing to do with anything sad. I
don’t know how he managed to find this many songs. It had to take him
forever.
I slide Mary Anne’s headphones over my ears, and I put the playlist on
shuffle and start to clean my apartment. I want my security deposit back
when I figure out where I’m moving to, so I don’t need a reason for Ruth
not to refund it to me. I’ll leave the apartment ten times cleaner than I found
it.
I clean for about ten minutes when I start to hear a beat in the song
that doesn’t belong. It takes me way too long to realize the beat is actually
not in the song.
It’s a knock.
I slip off my headphones and hear it even louder this time. Someone is
definitely knocking at my front door. My heart rate speeds up because I
don’t want it to be Ledger, but I need it to be Ledger. One more kiss
wouldn’t break me. Maybe.
I tiptoe toward the door and look through the peephole.
It’s Ledger.
I press my forehead to the door and try to make the right decision.
He’s having a weak moment, but I shouldn’t do this. His weak moments
will be my downfall if I cater to them. We’ll just go back and forth until
we’re both completely broken.
I open my texts to him on my phone and type out, 
I’m not opening
the door.
I watch him read it through the peephole, but his expression is
unwavering. He looks right into the peephole and points down to the
doorknob.
Fuck. Why did he have to point? I unlock the dead bolt and open the
door just two inches. “Don’t kiss me or touch me or say anything sweet.”
Ledger smiles. “I’ll do my best.”

---

I open the door cautiously, but he doesn’t even try to come inside once
I have the door open. He stands up straight and says, “Do you have a
minute?”
I nod. “Yeah. Come in.”
He shakes his head. “Not for me.” His attention moves away from me,
and he points inside my apartment, but then he steps away from the door.
Grace walks into my line of sight.
I immediately slap my hand over my mouth, because I wasn’t
expecting her and I haven’t been face to face with her since before Scotty
died and I had no idea it would knock the breath out of me.
I don’t know what it means. I refuse to let myself think this means
anything at all, but there’s too much hope inside me to keep buried in her
presence.
I back into my apartment, but tears are spilling from my eyes. There’s
so much I want to say to her. So many apologies. So many promises.
Grace steps inside my apartment, and Ledger stays outside but closes
the door to give us privacy. I grab a paper towel and wipe at my eyes. It’s
pointless. I don’t think I’ve cried like this since I gave birth to Diem and
watched them take her away from me.
“I’m not here to upset you,” Grace says. Her voice is gentle. So is her
expression.
I shake my head. “It’s not . . . I’m sorry. I need a minute before I can
. . . talk.”
Grace motions toward the sofa. “Can we sit?”
I nod, and we both take a seat on the couch. Grace watches me for a
moment, probably judging my tears, wondering if they’re real or forced.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. At first I think
it’s a handkerchief, but upon closer inspection, I realize it’s a small black
velvet bag. Grace hands me the bag, and I have no idea why.
I pull the strings to loosen the opening to the velvet bag, and then I
dump the contents into my palm.
I gasp. “What? How?” I’m holding the ring I fell in love with all those
years ago when Scotty took me to the antique store. The four-thousand-
dollar gold ring with the pink stone that he couldn’t afford. I’ve never told
anyone that story, so I’m extremely confused as to how Grace is in
possession of this ring. “How do you even have this?”

---

“Scotty called me the day you two saw the ring. He said he wasn’t
ready to propose to you, but that he already knew what ring he was going to
propose with when the time came. He couldn’t afford it, but he was afraid
someone else was going to buy it before he got the chance. We let him
borrow the money. He gave me the ring and made me promise to keep it in
a safe place until he could pay us back.”
My hands are shaking as I put the ring on my finger. I can’t believe