Reminders of Him

Welcome to my constant state. “Why?”

---

“For building this house. I feel like Scotty would be disappointed in
me. Diem gets so sad every time we bring up the fact that I’m putting my
other house up for sale.”
“Why did you build this house, then?”
“It’s been my dream for a long time now. I bought the land and started
drafting the design back when Diem was just a baby. Before I knew how
much I would love her.” He cuts his eyes to mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I
loved her then, but it was different. She started to walk and talk, and
develop her unique personality, and we became inseparable. And over time,
this place started to feel less like my future home and more like . . .” He
tries to come up with the word, but he can’t.
“A prison?”
Ledger looks at me like I’m the first person to understand him. “Yes.
Exactly. I feel like I’m locked into it now, but the idea of not seeing Diem
every day is really starting to weigh on me. It’ll change our relationship.
With my schedule, I’ll probably see her once a week if I’m lucky. I think
that’s why I’ve been taking my time building it. I don’t know that I’m really
looking forward to moving out here.”
“Then sell it.”
He laughs, like that’s an absurd idea.
“I’m serious. I’d much rather you live across the street from my
daughter than clear across town. I know I can’t be in her life like I wish I
could, but there’s some comfort in knowing you are.”
Ledger stares at me for a long beat after I say that. Then he stands up
and reaches out for my hand. “We should get to work.”
“Yeah. Don’t want to piss off the boss.” I grab his hand and stand up,
and when I do, I’m suddenly way too close to him. He doesn’t back away or
let go of my hand, and now he’s looking at me from just a few inches away
with an intensity I feel slide down my spine.
Ledger threads his fingers through mine, and when our palms touch,
the feeling that surges through me makes me wince. Ledger feels it, too; I
can see it in the way his eyes fill with torment.
Funny how something that should feel so good can feel so painful
when the circumstances aren’t right. And our circumstances are definitely
not right. But I squeeze his hand anyway, letting him know I’m feeling
exactly what he’s feeling, and I’m just as torn as he is.

---

Ledger drops his forehead to mine, and we both close our eyes and
just silently breathe through whatever this moment is. I can feel everything
he’s not saying. I can even somehow feel the kiss he’s not even giving me.
But if we slip back into the moment we shared last night, it would rip that
wound open even wider, until that’s all I am.
He knows just as much as I do that this isn’t a good idea.
“What are you gonna do, Ledger? Hide me in your closet until she’s
eighteen?”
He looks down at our hands still linked together and shrugs. “It’s a
huge closet.”
There’s only a beat of silence before it’s sliced in two by my laughter.
He grins and then leads the way through his dark house and back to
his truck.

---

CHAPTER THIRTY
LEDGER
I’m in my office processing payroll, processing my thoughts, processing all
the mistakes I’ve made in the last few weeks.
Roman was right when he said I could have paid her off if I really
wanted her to leave. Maybe I should have, because the more I’m around
her, the more false hope I’m giving her.
The Landrys won’t come around to the idea of accepting her anytime
soon. And if she stays here and continues to work, it’s putting us both at
risk of getting caught.
I don’t know what I was thinking hiring her in the first place. I thought
she could hide out in the back, but Kenna isn’t the kind of girl you can hide.
She stands out. Someone will notice her. Someone will recognize her.
And then we’ll both feel the consequences of this lie.
I take out my phone and text Kenna. 
Come to my office when you
have a second.
I stand up and pace for the entire thirty seconds it takes her to make
her way back to my office. I close the door behind her and then walk over
to my desk and sit on the edge of it.
She stands near the door, and her arms are folded. She looks nervous. I
don’t mean to make her nervous. I point to the chair in front of me, and she
walks hesitantly toward it and then sits.
“I feel like I’m in trouble,” she says.
“You aren’t in trouble. I just . . . I’ve been thinking. About what you
overheard Roman say. And I feel like I should let you know that you don’t
have to come to work anymore.”
She looks surprised. “Am I being fired?”

---

“No. Of course not.” I inhale a breath in preparation for the honesty
I’m about to spill. “We both know I hired you for selfish reasons, Kenna. If
you ever get to the point where you want to leave town and you need
money, all you have to do is ask. You don’t have to work for it.”
She’s looking at me like I’ve just punched her in the gut. She stands
up and starts pacing while she processes this conversation. “Do you want
me to leave town?”
Fuck. I brought her in here to try to make her life easier, but I’m
saying everything wrong. I shake my head. “No.” I reach out and encircle
her wrist with my fingers to stop her from pacing.
“Then why are you telling me this?”
I could give her several reasons. Because you need to know you have