Reminders of Him

I was right. They’re making him choose.

---

The panic begins spreading from my chest to all the other parts of my
body. I take a sip of water, and then I pick up Ivy, who has been meowing at
my feet. I pet her. I try to find comfort in her presence. She’s my only
constant now, because this story is ending exactly how I predicted it. No
plot twists at all.
I came here with one goal, and that was to try to forge a relationship
with the Landrys and with my daughter. But they’ve made it very clear that
it’s not something they want. Maybe it’s just not something they can
emotionally handle.
I put Ivy back on the floor and then fold my arms across my chest. I
can’t even look at Ledger when I ask him this question. “Did they ask you
to stop seeing me?”
He exhales, and his sigh is everything I need to know. I try to hold it
together, but I just want him to leave. Or maybe I need to leave.
This apartment, this town, this state. I want as far away from my
daughter as I can get, because the closer I am to her without being able to
see her, the more tempting it becomes to just go to their house and take her.
I’m desperate enough that if I stay here too much longer, I might do
something stupid.
“I need money.”
Ledger looks at me like he didn’t understand the question, or he can’t
process why I need money.
“I need to move, Ledger. I can pay you back, but I need to leave, and I
don’t have enough money to get a new place. I can’t stay here.”
“Wait,” he says, stepping toward me. “You’re leaving? You’re giving
up?”
His choice of words makes me angry. “I’d say I tried pretty damn
hard. They have a restraining order against me—I wouldn’t call that giving
up.”
“What about us? You’re just going to walk away?”
“Don’t be an asshole. This is harder for me than it is for you. At least
you still get Diem in the end.”
He grips my shoulders, but I look away from him, so he moves his
hands to the sides of my head. He tilts my face and directs my focus back to
his. “Kenna, don’t. Please. Wait a few weeks. Let’s just see what happens.”

---

“We know what happens. We’ll keep seeing each other in secret, and
we’ll fall in love, but they won’t change their minds and I’ll still have to
leave, but it’ll hurt a hell of a lot worse in a few weeks than if I were to just
leave right now.” I walk to the closet and grab my suitcase. I open it and
toss it on the inflatable mattress and start throwing my shit in it. I can take a
bus to the next town and then stay in a hotel until I figure out where to go.
“I need money,” I say again. “I’ll pay you back every cent, Ledger. I
promise.”
Ledger stomps over to me and shuts my suitcase. “Stop it.” He makes
me turn and face him by pulling me in and wrapping me up in his arms.
“Stop. Please.”
We’re too late. It already hurts so bad.
I press my hands against his shirt and grip it in my fists. I start to cry. I
can’t bear the thought of not being around him, not seeing his smile, not
feeling his support. I already miss him even though I’m still standing right
here in his arms. But as much as the idea of leaving him hurts, I think my
tears are for my daughter. They’re always for her.
“Ledger.” I say his name quietly, and then I lift my head from his chest
and look up at him. “The only thing you can do at this point is go over there
and apologize to them. Diem needs you. As much as it hurts, if they can’t
move past what I did to them, it isn’t your job to repair or mend what’s
broken inside of them. It’s your job to support them, and you can’t do that
with me in your life.”
His jaw is clenched. It looks like he’s trying not to cry. But it also
looks like he knows I’m right. He takes a step away from me and then
opens his wallet. “You want my credit card?” he asks, pulling it out. He
removes several twenty-dollar bills too. He seems so upset and mad and
defeated as he angrily yanks stuff out of his wallet. He tosses his credit card
and the cash on the counter, and then he steps toward me, kisses me on the
forehead, and leaves.
He slams the door as he goes.
I lean forward and press my elbows into the counter, and I hold my
head in my hands and I cry even harder, because I’m angry I allowed
myself to get my hopes up. It’s been well over five years since it happened.
If they were ever going to forgive me, they’d have done it by now. They’re
just not the forgiving type.

---

There are people who find peace in forgiveness, and then there are
others who look at forgiveness as a betrayal. To them, forgiving me would
feel like betraying their own son. I can only hope they change their minds
someday, but until then, this is my life. This is where it’s led me.
This is where I start over. Again. And I’m going to have to do it
without Ledger or his encouragement or his belief in me. I’m sobbing now,
but I’m still able to hear the front door when it swings back open.
I lift my head as he slams the door shut and strides across the room.
He lifts me, setting me down on the counter so that we’re eye to eye, and
then he kisses me with a sad desperation, as if it’s the last kiss he’ll ever
give me.
After breaking our kiss, he looks at me with determination when he
says, “I am going to be the best person I can be for your daughter. I
promise. I’m going to give her the best life, and when she asks about her
mother, I’m going to tell her what a wonderful person you are. I’ll make
sure she grows up knowing how much you love her.”
I’m a fucking mess now, because I’m going to miss him so, so much.
He presses his swollen mouth to mine, and I kiss him gently because I
don’t want to hurt him. Then our foreheads meet. It looks like he’s
struggling to keep his composure. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for you.”
He starts to back away, pulling apart from me, and it hurts too much to
watch him go, so I stare at the floor.
There’s something beneath my feet. It looks like a business card, so I
slide off the counter and pick it up. It’s Ledger’s snow cone punch card. It
must have fallen out of his wallet when he took everything out of it.
“Ledger, wait.” I meet him at the door and hand him his card. “You
need this,” I say, sniffling back tears. “You’re so close to a free snow cone.”
He laughs through his pain, taking the card from me. But then he
winces and drops his forehead to mine. “I’m so angry at them, Kenna. This
isn’t fair.”
It isn’t. But it isn’t up to us. I kiss him one last time, and then I
squeeze his hand and look at him pleadingly. “Don’t hate them. Okay?
They’re giving my little girl a good life. Please don’t hate them.”
He barely nods, but it’s a nod. When he lets go of my hand, I don’t
want to watch him leave, so I go to my bathroom and close the door.
A few seconds later, I hear my apartment door shut.

---

I slide to the floor and fall apart.

---

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
LEDGER
I don’t even go into my house when I get back home. I walk straight to
Patrick and Grace’s front door and I knock.
It was never a choice. Diem will always be the most important girl in
my life, no matter what or who or when. But that doesn’t mean I’m not torn
the fuck up right now.
It’s Patrick who opens the door, but Grace quickly joins him. I think
she’s afraid there might be another fight. They both look a little surprised to
see the state of my injuries, but Patrick offers up no apologies. I don’t
expect him to.
I look them both in the eye. “Diem wanted to show me her turtle.”
The sentence is so simple, but I’m saying so much. That sentence
translates to, “I chose Diem. Let’s go back to how things were before.”
Patrick eyes me for a moment, but then Grace steps aside and says,
“She’s in her bedroom.”
It’s forgiveness and acceptance, but it’s not the forgiveness I really
want from them. But I take it.
Diem is on her floor when I get to her doorway. The turtle is a foot
away from her, and she’s trying to coax it toward her with a green LEGO.
“So, this is your turtle, huh?”
Diem sits up and beams a smile. “Yep.” She picks him up, and we
meet at her bed. I sit down and lean against the headboard. She crawls to
the middle of the bed and hands me the turtle, then curls up at my side. I
place him on my leg, and he starts to crawl toward my knee.
“Why did NoNo hit you?” She’s looking at my lip when she asks this.
“Sometimes adults make bad decisions, D. I said something that hurt
his feelings, and he got upset. It’s not his fault. It was my fault.”

---

“Are you mad at him?”
“No.”
“Is NoNo still mad?”