Reminders of Him

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I’m squeezing Ledger’s hand like I’m in the middle of an intense
contraction.
The door finally opens, and standing right in front of me is Patrick. He
looks nervous, but he somehow smiles through it. He pulls me in for a hug,
and it isn’t just a forced hug because I’m standing in front of him, or
because his wife encouraged him to hug me.
It’s a hug full of so many things. Enough things that when Patrick
pulls away, he has to wipe at his eyes. “Diem is out back with her turtle,” he
says, motioning down the hallway.
There are no harsh words from him, no negative energy. I don’t know
if now is the right time to apologize, but since Patrick is pointing us toward

---

Diem’s location, I feel like they want to save whatever sits between the
three of us for later.
Ledger holds my hand as we walk into the house. I’ve been in the
house before and I’ve been in the backyard before, so there’s a sense of
familiarity that’s comforting. But everything else is frightening. What if she
doesn’t like me? What if she’s mad at me?
Grace appears from the kitchen, and I pause before we head to the
backyard. I look at Grace. “What have you told her? About my absence? I
just want to make sure . . .”
Grace shakes her head. “We really haven’t talked to her about you at
all. She asked once why she didn’t live with her mother, and I told her your
car wasn’t big enough.”
I laugh nervously. “What?”
Grace shrugs. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.”
My car isn’t big enough? I can work with that. In my mind, I had
feared they had poisoned her against me. I should have known better.
“We thought we’d leave the rest up to you,” Patrick says. “We weren’t
sure how much you wanted her to know.”
I nod and smile and try not to cry. I look at Ledger, and he’s like an
anchor by my side, keeping me steady. “Will you come with me?”
We walk toward the back door. I can see her sitting in the grass. I
watch her from the screen door for a couple of minutes, wanting to take in
everything about her before whatever comes next. I’m scared of what
comes next. Terrified, really. This is almost the exact same feeling as being
in labor with her. I was terrified, in uncharted territory, but also full of more
hope and excitement and love than I’d ever felt.
Ledger eventually gives me an encouraging nudge, so I open the door.
Diem looks up and sees Ledger and me standing on the back porch. She
gives me a quick glance, but when her eyes land on Ledger, she lights up.
She runs to him, and he catches her in his arms.
I get a whiff of strawberry shampoo.
I have a daughter who smells like strawberries.
Ledger sits on the back porch swing with Diem and points to the
empty seat next to him, so I take a seat with them. Diem is in his lap,
looking at me as she curls up to Ledger.
“Diem, this is my friend Kenna.”

---

Diem smiles at me, and it almost sends me to the floor. “Do you want
to see my turtle?” she asks, perking up.
“I’d love to.”
Her tiny little hand grips two of my fingers, and she slides off Ledger
and pulls me. I glance at Ledger as I stand, and he gives me a reassuring
nod. Diem takes me to the grass, and she plops down next to her turtle.
I lie down on the other side of her turtle so that I’m facing Diem.
“What’s his name?”
“Ledger.” She giggles and holds up the turtle. “He looks just like
him.”
I laugh, and she’s trying to get her turtle to come out of his shell, but I
can’t stop staring at her. Seeing her on video is one experience, but getting
to be near her and feel her energy is like a rebirth.
“Want to see my jungle gym? I got it for my birthday—I turn five next
week.” Diem is running toward her jungle gym, so I follow her. I glance
back at Ledger, and he’s still sitting on the porch swing, watching us.
Diem pokes her head out of the jungle gym and says, “Ledger, can you
put Ledger in his tank so he doesn’t get lost?”
“Sure will,” he says, standing.
Diem grabs my hand and pulls me inside the jungle gym, where she
sits down in the center of it. I feel more comfortable here. No one can see
us, and that puts me a little more at ease knowing people aren’t judging how
I interact with her in this moment.
“This used to be my daddy’s,” Diem says. “NoNo and Ledger put it
back together for me.”
“I knew your daddy.”
“Were you his friend?”
I smile. “I was his girlfriend. I loved him very much.”
Diem giggles. “I didn’t know my daddy had a girlfriend.”
I see so much of Scotty in her right now. In that laugh. I have to look
away from her face because the tears start to fall.
Diem notices my tears, though. “Why are you sad? Do you miss him?”
I nod, wiping away my tears. “I do miss him, but that’s not why I’m
crying. I’m crying because I’m so happy I finally get to meet you.”
Diem cocks her head and says, “Why?”

---

She’s three whole feet away from me, and I just want to hold her and
hug her. I pat the spot right in front of me. “Come closer. I want to tell you
something.”
Diem crawls toward me and sits with her legs crossed.
“I know we’ve never met before, but . . .” I don’t even know how to
say this, so I just say it in the simplest way. “I’m your mother.”
Diem’s eyes fill with something, but I don’t know what her
expressions mean yet. I don’t know if that’s surprise or curiosity. “Really?”
I smile at her. “I am. You grew inside my tummy. And then when you
were born, Nana and NoNo took care of you for me because I couldn’t.”
“Did you get a bigger car?”
I release a laugh. I’m glad they gave me that tidbit of information, or I
would have no idea what she’s referring to. “I actually don’t have a car
anymore. But I will soon. I just couldn’t wait to meet you, so Ledger gave
me a ride. I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long.”
Diem doesn’t have much of a reaction. She just smiles. And then she
crawls across the grass and starts flipping tic-tac-toe squares that make up a