Suicide Notes

Wonderland. He has the Red Queen and the Dormouse on one arm and the
Mad Hatter and March Hare on the other one. One forearm has that picture
of Alice with her neck all stretched out from eating the magic mushroom.
“Is that who you are?” I asked Bone, pointing to Alice.
He laughed. “No,” he said, “This is who I am.” He lifted his shirt, and
on his back was the White Rabbit, wearing his waistcoat and looking at his
watch. It was just like the illustration from the book. Only standing next to
him, back-to-back, was another White Rabbit wearing a leather motorcycle
jacket and boots and smoking a cigar.
“That’s me,” said Bone. “Always running. Always late. I had it put on
my back because no one can see it unless I show it to them. The ones on the
outside are for people to stare at. But I keep the one I really love hidden.”
“Why two of them?” I asked him.
“Yin and Yang,” he said. “Dark and light. One’s the good rabbit and
one’s the naughty rabbit.”
“Which one is which?” I asked.
He laughed again. “Both,” he said. “It’s kind of a bipolar thing. Like
me.” Then he got up and left before I could ask him anything else, just like
the Rabbit does to Alice.
I sat there for a while thinking about the Goth girl. Actually, I was
thinking about the opposite of her—how people think that if you look
“normal,” then you are.
One time Allie and I skipped school and went to see this foreign film
called Los Diablos, where these villagers found a glowing blue ball and
peeled pieces off of it to see what was inside. Only the ball was really
radioactive, and they all died from the poison. I think that’s what happens

---

when you look too deep inside for the truth. The poison comes out, and you
die, even though you have beautiful glowing pieces of blue truth in your
fingers.
And anyway, the truth isn’t all that great. I mean, what’s the truth?
Planes falling out of the sky. Buses blowing up and ripping little kids into
millions of pieces. Twelve-year-olds raping people and then shooting them
in the head so they can’t tell. I can’t watch the news anymore or look at the
papers. It’s like whoever sits up there in Heaven has this big bag of really
crappy stuff, and once or twice a day she or he reaches in and sprinkles a
little bit of it over the world and it makes everything go crazy, like fairy
dust that’s past its expiration date.

---

Day 19
I woke up this morning to a snowstorm. A full-blown blizzard. It’s so white
outside my window it looks like the hospital is flying through the clouds.
It’s beautiful. The snow just keeps coming and coming. Those crazy naked
trees I can see from my room look like they’re juggling cotton balls.
Goody and the other day nurse couldn’t get in because the roads aren’t
plowed, so Nurse Moon and the rest of the night shift had to stay on, and
they were not happy about it. They just wanted to go home and get some
sleep. Cat Poop couldn’t make it in either, so basically we all had the day
off. We were making the staff crazy because we were so hyped-up about the
snow.
It was Sadie’s idea to go outside. Juliet said something about how the
snow looked perfect for making snowmen, and the next thing you know,
Sadie was asking if we could all go out in it for a while.
At first Nurse Moon said no. But then the other night nurse (Nurse
McCutcheon, who always looks like she’s forgotten something but can’t
remember what it is) said she would supervise us. Then Moon said it was
okay, as long as two attendants went with us and we all stayed in a group.
I haven’t been outside since I came here. We can’t even open the
windows more than a couple of inches. So I was excited about getting away
from the stuffy rooms for a while. Only then I remembered that I didn’t
have any outside clothes with me. My parents had brought me some jeans
and shirts and stuff, but no boots or coat or anything. I mean it’s not like we
go on nature hikes or anything. No one else had any either.
It turns out the hospital had some. I don’t know if they were left over
from other patients or what, and I didn’t want to ask. I mean, if they were,
why did they leave them behind? That’s the kind of question that really
doesn’t have any good answer.
Anyway, we bundled up in the coats and scarves and mittens and stuff.
Not everything fit us exactly right, but it was good enough. My only gripe
is that the coat they found for me was bright yellow. Like some dog had
peed in snow. But hey, it’s not like I was shopping at Macy’s.

---

Once we were dressed, we filed downstairs. We had to go through two
sets of locked doors, and it felt like we were prisoners being transferred
from one jail to another. But finally we made it out into the big square
formed by the four wings of the hospital. As soon as we were in the yard,
Sadie scooped up a bunch of snow, made a snowball, and threw it at Juliet.
It hit her in the back of the head, exploding into a million flakes. Juliet
made her own snowball and threw it back at Sadie. Only she missed and hit
one of the attendants.
That was all it took. Within seconds it was a full-on snowball war. There
were no teams or anything; it was everyone for themselves. We didn’t have
anything to hide behind, so basically we just kept making snowballs and
throwing them at whoever was closest.
I thought for sure Nurse McCuthcheon would make us stop, but she just
got out of the way and watched, with a little smile on her face. I made a
mental note to be nicer to her from now on. Not that I’ve given her any
trouble, but you know what I mean. I could be less of a pain sometimes.
I pegged one of the attendants in the back, and while I was laughing at
him, I got hit in the side of the face myself. I turned to see who had thrown
the snowball, and I saw Martha smiling from ear to ear.
After we were all worn out from the snowball fight, Juliet started
making that snowman she’d been talking about. She made a small ball of
snow and then pushed it across the yard, making it bigger. Sadie and I
helped her, making smaller balls for the middle and head of the snowman.
Martha stood watching us but not joining in.
I went over to her and said, “You want to see an angel?”
She looked up at me with those big eyes and nodded. I walked over to a