Suicide Notes

Rankin playing with each other. Here I was totally freaking out about what
happened, and she was treating it like it was nothing. I almost felt like I
should apologize for being so boring.
“I meant a secret about you,” Sadie said.
“That was about me!” I said.
“No,” said Sadie. “It was just something you did that you think people
would be freaked out about if they knew. Trust me, everybody around here
has done stuff way weirder than that.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Remember Alice?” said Sadie.
Like I could ever forget. I nodded.
“She used to catch flies—and eat them. And last time I was here there
was this guy named Benny. He liked to hide things up his butt. Trust me,
what you and Rankin did was so not secret-worthy.”
I looked at her while she waited for me to respond. “Sorry,” I said. “It’s
all I’ve got.” Which wasn’t true, but for some reason I wanted to stop while
I actually felt a little better. I was afraid if I told Sadie the rest, suddenly it
wouldn’t be so “normal.”
“How about what happened between you and Allie?” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Come on,” Sadie said. “I know you did what you did because
something happened between the two of you. So what was it? You can tell
me. Since we’re sharing and everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I said. To tell the truth, in a weird way I was
kind of pissed off that she didn’t think the thing with Rankin was a real
secret. I mean, even if it wasn’t a big deal, and even if I did feel a little
better about it now, it was still a secret.
Sadie clearly wasn’t buying my cool act. “Yeah, there is,” she argued.
“What? You slept with her and she freaked out? You and that Burke guy got
into a fight over her? What was it?”
“I told you, it had nothing to do with her,” I said.
I thought she would push me some more, but she didn’t. She just looked
at me for a long time. I looked right back at her. I’ve gotten pretty good at

---

staring contests what with the doc and I having one practically every day.
The trick is to sort of unfocus your eyes so that you’re looking at the person
but not really seeing them. If you do it right, they can never tell.
That’s how I won the staring contest with Sadie. After a minute she just
turned away and turned the TV back on. The sound was still off, so we sat
and watched the host talk. Now she was pitching some fake pearl necklace.
Sadie was quiet for so long that I thought maybe she was pissed at me. I
was just about to say something when she started talking again.
“Remember that Saturday morning cartoon show with all the
superheroes?” she asked. “Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Superman?”
“Sure,” I said. “Super Friends. What about it?”
Sadie stared at the television. “They all looked like normal people until
they turned into these other things, right? But it always turned out that they
originally turned into superheroes when they were running from something
they didn’t like about themselves. Like Batman fought the dark part of his
soul by battling bad guys and all that.”
“I think Wonder Woman was just born Wonder Woman,” I argued. “And
Superman was just Superman.”
“Okay,” Sadie said. “Bad examples. But think about the really
interesting superheroes. Most of them were normal until they turned into
something freaky. Like Wolverine. He was part of some experiment. And
the guy who turned into the Hulk hated to do it because it meant he was
mad. Plus, it hurt.”
“I guess so,” I admitted.
Sadie went on. “When I was a kid, I used to watch that show, sitting on
the couch in my pajamas and wishing more than anything that one day I’d
just change into this other person,” she said. “I thought that would explain
everything. You know, about why I felt so different. Then I’d find out that
my mother was really an alien or that I’d been bitten by a radioactive spider
as a baby, and it would all be okay because I’d be able to fly and see
through walls.”
She stopped talking and watched the TV some more. I thought that I
should say something, but then she started talking again. “But it never
happened,” she said. “I just went on being me my whole life, until one day I
realized that all those superheroes were doing was fighting themselves, and
that getting to breathe underwater or shoot fire from your fingers didn’t

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really make up for being screwed up in the first place. It was just the
consolation prize—you got the great costume and the invisible jet for being
a loser in everything else.”
She stared at the silent TV. Her expression was completely blank, as if
her soul had just flown out of her body. It was actually kind of scary. “I
guess I just want my invisible jet,” she said.

---

Day 33
Now I know for sure that all of this is a dream, because what happened
tonight can’t possibly be real. It just can’t.
I don’t even know where to start. Rankin came into my room last night.
I guess technically it was earlier today, since it must have been about one or
two in the morning. I was sleeping, and then I felt something pressing
against my back. Rankin had pulled my shorts down, and he was pushing
himself against me. I was still only half awake, so I didn’t realize what he
was doing at first. He put his arms around me and pulled me closer. I could
hear him breathing in my ear.
Believe it or not, that’s not even the bad thing. If that was all, I could
probably handle it. Probably. But that was just the beginning.
Like I said, Rankin was holding on to me and trying to . . . I don’t think
I can even say it right now. But he was getting close. As soon as I realized
what he was doing, I woke up fast. I even opened my mouth to tell him to
stop.
And that’s when the screaming started.
At first I thought it was me screaming. Then I realized it was a girl’s
voice. I don’t know what Rankin thought was going on, but he pulled me
closer to him and put his hand on my mouth. Maybe he thought I was the
one screaming too.
It was so weird. I was trying to figure out who was screaming and I was
trying to get Rankin off me all at the same time. Everything was happening
at once, but I felt like I couldn’t even move because I didn’t know what was
more important, getting away from Rankin or helping whoever was making
the awful noise.
That’s when the light came on. It snapped on like fireworks exploding
over our heads. I couldn’t see. Rankin rolled off of me and sat on the edge
of the bed, covering himself with his hands. I looked up and saw Carl and
Nurse Moon standing in the doorway. The screaming had stopped, like the
light switch controlled that too.

---

“Pull your shorts up, Jeff,” Moonie said. She wasn’t yelling or anything.
She said it really calmly.
I pulled up my underwear. Rankin had picked his up from the floor and
was pulling them on. I glanced over at Nurse Moon and saw that she was
looking down to give him some privacy. Carl, though, was staring at us.
Staring at us and shaking his head, like we were his grandkids and we’d just
disappointed him big time.
“Rankin, back to your room,” Nurse Moon said when he was dressed.
Rankin didn’t look at me as he walked out of the room. He didn’t look
at Moonie or Carl either. He rushed by them and down the hall. I looked at
Nurse Moon, my heart pounding in my chest.
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Who was screaming?”
“It’s Martha,” Moonie told me.
That scared me. “Is she all right?” I asked. “What happened? Is she
hurt?” I started to go toward the door.
“Don’t you worry about her,” said Nurse Moon, holding up her hand so
that I stopped. “She had a bad dream. That’s all.”
I nodded. I know all about dreams that make you want to scream. Then I
remembered why Carl and Nurse Moon were in my room in the first place.
“We were just . . .” I began.
Moonie interrupted me. “Dr. Katzrupus will talk to you in the morning,”
she said. “Good night.”
That was it. Good night. Like she was tucking me in. No yelling. No
“I’m very disappointed in you.” No nothing. And you know what? That was
worse. If she’d yelled, or seemed disgusted, or even at all upset, I would
have felt better. But she treated it like she didn’t care. Like it didn’t matter.
Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know anymore. Maybe Sadie is right and it’s
just something guys do. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I’d really rather
not talk about it with Cat Poop, though. It’s exactly the kind of thing he
writes about on his stupid pad.
When I finally fell asleep after Moonie left, I had the weirdest dream.
First we were in group—all of us, even the people who are gone now.
Cat Poop asked us to go around the circle and say what we were most afraid
of. Alice said she was afraid of being alone. Bone said he was afraid of
cars, which seemed weird until I remembered the whole gas station thing.
Juliet said she was afraid of teeth, which because she’s Juliet didn’t seem

---

strange at all. Rankin said he was afraid of losing. Martha didn’t say
anything.
Sadie said she wasn’t afraid of anything, and I believed her. In my
dream it was like she had this force field around her that protected her from
everything the rest of us have to watch out for. Then she looked at me and
said, “Once you realize there’s nothing to be afraid of when you die, there’s
nothing else to worry about.”
When it was my turn, I couldn’t think of anything to say. I looked
around at the rest of the group and thought how messed up they all were.
Then I looked at my wrists and realized that they were bleeding again. I
pulled my sleeves down to cover them, but I could feel the blood soaking
through, and I was afraid everyone was going to notice and start laughing at
me.
When I woke up from the dream, I felt weird. I can’t really explain it.
There was this knot in my stomach, the same kind I get when I wake up the
morning of a big test I know I haven’t studied enough for. Then I
remembered Rankin, and that I was going to have to talk to Cat Poop about
what happened, and I knew why the knot was there.

---

Day 34
I’ll never know what Sadie would have thought about my dream. I was
going to tell her, but she . . .
No. Wait. I have to start at the beginning. If I don’t, I’m going to get
everything mixed up, because right now it’s all swirling around in my brain.
I can catch bits and pieces of it, but trying to see the whole picture at once
is really hard. I don’t even know if I want to see it. If I see it, I might fall
apart.
So yesterday morning, after the famous Jeff and Rankin Get Busted
incident, I got dressed and walked down the hall to the lounge. (I did not
take a shower, which is a little gross, but I don’t exactly have a great track
record in that department lately.) Part of me expected everyone to be lined
up, waiting to tell me how awful I was before they threw me out. But no
one else was up. Instead, Goody was sitting at the desk, reading a file. I
wondered if it was mine, and if she knew what had happened.
“Dr. Katzrupus is waiting for you in his office,” she said, answering that
question.
I walked down the hall to Cat Poop’s door and knocked. He opened it
and I walked into his office, not saying anything or even looking at him. I
sat down in the chair across from his desk and waited for him to tell me I
was leaving.
“Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” he said.
“Not really,” I told him. “But I’ll bet a million bucks that you do.”
He nodded. “Do you have anything to say about it?”
I shook my head.
“Let me ask you this,” said Cat Poop. “How did it happen?”
“What do you mean, how did it happen?”
“How did it happen?” he repeated. “I think it’s a pretty straightforward
question.”
I kind of huffed at him. It was a stupid question, is what it was. I
shrugged. “He came into my room, got into my bed, and tried to butt burgle
me,” I said.

---

Cat Poop pushed his glasses up. “You’re sure?” he asked.
“Of course I’m sure,” I answered. “Trust me, if some guy tries to stick
his junk in you, you know it.”
“I meant that you’re certain you didn’t encourage Rankin in any way.”
I had to think about that one. I mean, Rankin’s the one who’s started it
every time we’ve done anything. But it’s not like he’s ever forced me to do
it, and until last night I’ve never exactly told him not to do what he’s done.
Maybe if I had, he wouldn’t have kept trying. But I didn’t want to tell Cat
Poop that. It would just make me look like a victim, and he’d want to talk
about it even more.
“Are you suggesting that I asked for it because I wore my sexy boxers?”
I asked instead.
“I spoke to Rankin this morning,” said the doc. “He said that it was you
who talked him into doing it.”
“What?” I said. “He said I started it?”
I couldn’t believe that Rankin had lied. Well, yes, I could. Still, I was
pissed off. “It was not my idea,” I said, more to myself than to Cat Poop.
“He’s the one who came to my room. He’s the one who’s a—”
I stopped myself from saying it. But I thought it. A fag. Rankin was the
fag around here. Not me.
Cat Poop pushed his glasses up his nose again. I almost told him to
knock it off. “Jeff, I have to tell you that this is a serious breach of hospital
rules. You could be asked to leave the program.”
“Finally,” I muttered. “If I’d known that, I would have done it a long
time ago.”
“Unless,” said the doc, “there’s some other reason for your behavior.
Something that relates to your overall reason for being here.”
It took me a minute to understand what he was saying. When I did, I got
mad. “Nice,” I said. “You’re trying to get me to talk by threatening to kick
me out for something I didn’t do. Where’d they teach you that, shrink
torture school?”
Cat Poop leaned forward. “All I’m asking you is if what you did with
Rankin has any connection to why you hurt yourself,” he said.
“No,” I said instantly. “It has nothing to do with it. I mean, I fooled
around with Sadie, too, and that didn’t mean . . .”
I stopped, realizing that I’d just made a huge mistake.

---

“You and Sadie—” Cat Poop started to say. His finger was already
halfway to his nose.
“No,” I interrupted. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“What exactly did you mean?” he asked.
I searched around in my head for some answer to give him, anything
that could erase what I’d already said. But I knew I couldn’t. I’d gone too
far.
“All right,” I said. “Yeah, I fooled around with Sadie. But I couldn’t.” I
looked at my hands, which were in my lap. My fingers were wrestling with
each other.
“Couldn’t what?”
I forced my hands to be still. “Couldn’t, you know, do it,” I mumbled.
“And with Rankin it was just fooling around. Nothing serious. It’s not like
I’m in love with him or anything. Not like it was with . . .”
Again I realized too late that I’d slipped up. That made twice in less
than five minutes. If I didn’t do damage control, and fast, I was basically
going to make sure I was on the next bus out of there. And for some reason,
I didn’t want to be on that bus.
“With whom?” Cat Poop asked.
“Nobody,” I said. “I was just talking.”
“With Allie?” he said.
I could feel his eyes on me. I started to say that, yeah, it was Allie. But I
didn’t. I didn’t say anything. He was starting to win, and I didn’t want him
to win. I wanted to be the winner, even if it meant letting him think I’d
come on to Rankin or whatever.
And that’s when he dropped the bomb. “Jeff,” he said. “I have to tell
you something. About Sadie.”
“I know we shouldn’t have—” I said, trying to head him off. It was bad
enough that I was probably going to get kicked out. I didn’t want to be
responsible for Sadie having to leave, too. So I just kept talking, hoping it
would make him change his mind. “That time it was my idea. I’m the one
who went into her room. She didn’t come into mine. And really, it was no
big thing, anyway. I was just feeling lonely. You can even ask her.”
“Jeff, listen,” he said. His voice sounded weird, and suddenly I wanted
to be anywhere but in his office. The way he looked reminded me of the

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way my dad looked the time he had to tell Amanda that her cat got hit by a
car.
“What?” I asked. “Did she leave already? Did you kick her out?
Because I’m telling the truth. You can’t just—”
“Jeff,” Cat Poop interrupted. “Sadie’s dead.”
I knew he hadn’t just said that. I mean, there was no way he could have
said it. “Sadie’s dead?” No. I was sure I’d heard wrong. He’d said “Sadie’s