If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside
us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.”
The innkeeper immediately objected, but I could see that my words had surprised him. “How is that any
different than saying God is a product of our imagination? I don’t get it.”
But my answer was interrupted by a ruckus that broke out at the back of the dining hall. When we turned
in that direction, we saw two rough-looking men yelling drunken gibberish. With unbridled insolence they
were bullying the other customers, snatching food off their bowls, drinking from their cups, and, should
anyone protest, mocking them like two naughty maktab boys.
“Somebody should take care of these troublemakers, don’t you think?” hissed the innkeeper between
clenched teeth. “Now, watch me!”
In a flash he reached the end of the hall, yanked one of the drunken customers from his seat, and
punched him in the face. The man must not have been expecting this at all, for he collapsed on the floor
like an empty sack. A barely audible sigh came out of his lips, but other than that he made no noise.
The other man proved stronger, and he fiercely fought back, but it didn’t take the innkeeper long to
knock him down, too. He kicked his unruly customer in the ribs and then stomped on his hand, grinding it
under his heavy boots. We heard the crack of a finger breaking, or maybe more.
“Stop it!” I exclaimed. “You are going to kill him. Is that what you want?”
As a Sufi I had sworn to protect life and do no harm. In this world of illusions, so many people were
ready to fight without any reason, and so many others fought for a reason. But the Sufi was the one who
wouldn’t fight even if he had a reason. There was no way I could resort to violence. But I could thrust
myself like a soft blanket between the innkeeper and the customers to keep them apart.
“You stay out of this, dervish, or I’ll beat the hell out of you, too!” the innkeeper shouted, but we both
knew he wasn’t going to do that.
A minute later, when the serving boys lifted up the two customers, one of them had a broken finger and
the other a broken nose, and there was blood all over. A fearful silence descended on the dining hall.
Proud with the awe he’d inspired, the innkeeper gave me a sidelong look. When he spoke again, it
sounded as if he were addressing everyone around, his voice soaring high and wild, like a marauder bird
boasting in the open sky.
“You see, dervish, it wasn’t always like this. Violence wasn’t my element, but it is now. When God
forgets about us down here, it falls upon us common people to toughen up and restore justice. So next time
you talk to Him, you tell Him that. Let Him know that when He abandons his lambs, they won’t meekly
wait to be slaughtered. They will turn into wolves.”
I shrugged as I motioned toward the door. “You are mistaken.”
“Am I wrong in saying I was a lamb once and have turned into a wolf?”
“No, you got that right. I can see that you have become a wolf indeed. But you are wrong in calling
what you are doing ‘justice.’ ”
“Wait, I haven’t finished with you!” the innkeeper shouted behind my back. “You owe me. In return for
food and bed, you were going to interpret my dreams.”
“I’ll do something better,” I suggested. “I’ll read your palm.”
I turned back and walked toward him, looking hard into his burning eyes. Instinctively, distrustfully, he
flinched. Still, when I grabbed his right hand and turned his palm up, he didn’t push me away. I inspected
the lines and found them deep, cracked, marking uneven paths. Bit by bit, the colors in his aura appeared
to me: a rusty brown and a blue so pale as to be almost gray. His spiritual energy was hollowed out and
thinned around the edges, as if it had no more strength to defend itself against the outside world. Deep
inside, the man was no more alive than a wilting plant. To make up for the loss of his spiritual energy, he
had doubled up his physical energy, which he used in excess.
My heart beat faster, for I had started seeing something. At first dimly, as if behind a veil, then with
increasing clarity, a scene appeared in front of my eyes.
A young woman with chestnut hair, bare feet with black tattoos, and an embroidered red shawl
draped over her shoulders.
“You have lost a loved one,” I said, and took his left palm in my hand.
Her breasts swollen with milk and her belly so huge it looks as if it could rip apart. She is stuck in a
hut on fire. There are warriors around the house, riding horses with silver-gilded saddles. The thick
smell of burning hay and human flesh. Mongol riders, their noses flat and wide, necks thick and short,
and hearts as hard as rocks. The mighty army of Genghis Khan.
“You have lost two loved ones,” I corrected myself. “Your wife was pregnant with your first child.”
His eyebrows clamped down, his eyes fixed on his leather boots, and his lips tightly pursed, the
innkeeper’s face creased into an unreadable map. Suddenly he looked old beyond his years.
“I realize that it’s no consolation to you, but I think there is something you should know,” I said. “It
wasn’t the fire or the smoke that killed her. It was a wooden plank in the ceiling that collapsed on her
head. She died instantly, without any pain. You always assumed she had suffered terribly, but in reality
she did not suffer at all.”
The innkeeper furrowed his brow, bowed under a pressure only he could understand. His voice turned
raspy as he asked, “How do you know all that?”
I ignored the question. “You have been blaming yourself for not giving her a proper funeral. You still
see her in your dreams, crawling out of the pit she was buried in. But your mind is playing games with
you. In truth, your wife and son are both fine, traveling in infinity, as free as a speck of light.”
I then added, measuring each word, “You can become a lamb again, because you still have it in you.”
Upon hearing this the innkeeper pulled his hand away, as if he had just touched a sizzling pan. “I don’t
like you, dervish,” he said. “I’ll let you stay here tonight. But make sure you are gone early in the morning.
I don’t want to see your face around here again.”
It was always like this. When you spoke the truth, they hated you. The more you talked about love, the
more they hated you.
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