Ask More: The Power of Questions to Open Doors, Uncover Solutions, and Spark Change pdfdrive com

Nice painting, who did that?
Assuming the agent is not there to talk about art theft, the question may serve
as an icebreaker—an acknowledgment, even a compliment. The focus on the art
lets Joseph speak about something familiar, on his own turf. The agent should
listen closely, Barry counsels, and if she hears Joseph open up, she should ask
some more about the painting to generate a few minutes of easy conversation, to
move Joseph’s brain back to cognitive ease.
Those of us who aren’t federal agents use this method in conversation,
consciously or not. We use icebreakers to introduce ourselves, to establish a

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rapport, to launch conversation with interesting small talk.
Imagine that you’re a manager in an insurance firm. Anna, one of your
employees, comes to your office for her annual review. A couple of coworkers
have complained about disparaging remarks she has made behind people’s
backs. You want her to stop, but you need to know what she’s got on her mind in
case it points to a deeper problem. She’s on guard. You recall seeing a new
computer on her desk. You ask:
How’s the new computer working out?
“It’s really fast,” she says. “This one doesn’t crash. And it’s about time. That
upgrade was long overdue.”
It’s not much, but you’ve got Anna talking.
“That’s great,” you say. “Don’t you love that touch screen?” You can see
Anna’s shoulders release from their defensive shrug. She’s not exactly happy to
be with you, but at least you’ve established that she likes her new computer.
You’re busy, and you need to move Anna toward the issue that has come to
your attention. But take your time, Barry advises. Don’t kick her into System
Two with direct questions just yet. Stay with the computer angle for a minute.
How did you decide on that computer?
This question is intended to evoke a different kind of answer. “How”
questions ask for explanation and background. They encourage stories. Barry
tells his FBI and Secret Service students to understand that the human brain is
wired for stories. It’s how we learn and how we remember. It’s how we engage
and pass along our experience and our history. Cave paintings were stories. The
Bible and the Quran and the Torah tell stories. We put our kids to bed telling
stories. Alibis and confessions are stories.
If Barry were Anna’s boss, he would play off her comments and ask:
Do most people choose that computer? Is it a popular choice?
He is listening hard for “entry points” to turn the conversation with Anna to
the story he wants to hear.
Yes, she might say, most people select that model. She read extensively
about her computer before choosing it. That’s how she does all her work,

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thoroughly and diligently. Here’s where her story offers an entry point.
“I use my computer differently,” she says. “That’s what makes me more
effective in my work. More than Al up in accounts payable who has the other
model.”
Anna is now “differentiating” herself, Barry explains. By comparing herself
to Al in accounts payable, Anna is offering a clue that an astute questioner can
pick up on. Something sets her apart. This provides an entry point. Barry would
ask about that.
Really? What’s going on with Al?
Anna might start to describe how her coworker handled a situation recently
and how other people weighed in and what happened. As she tells the story, she
provides more entry points, more opportunities to ask.
Catching the entry points requires focused listening to form follow-up
questions that move the story along and elicit details. You can recognize an entry
point by actively listening for an observation or a complaint that resonates with
the story you’re after. A flash of anger or an expression of regret can be an entry
point. Use it to your advantage. In essence, you are conducting a sort of
interrogational game of chess, hearing answers, forming questions, but thinking
several moves ahead. So you ask strategically. You know where you want the
conversation to go, but you need your opponent to make the moves that get
there. Your questions are only as good as the answers they provoke.
Affirm and Acknowledge
To keep his subjects talking, on track, and in System One, Barry uses periodic
“micro-affirmations.” When he hears something relevant or that he wants to
learn more about, he signals his interest in almost imperceptible movements,
gestures, or sounds. He might lean forward and offer a slight nod or a barely
audible “uh-huh.” These micro-affirmations reinforce without interrupting or
distracting. They signal that Barry is engaged and sympathetic. “One of the
things we keep in mind,” Barry says, “is that people who are angry rarely find
others who listen.” A questioner who listens provides a welcome refuge.
As the conversation unwinds, Barry also offers “rewards” or a brief
acknowledgement. “That’s really interesting,” he will say. “I hadn’t thought
about it that way,” or “That’s a good point.” Citing neuroscience research and

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his own experience, Barry told me that when you give people something, they
are inclined to give something back. “I try to give them words back that make
them feel that I am really appreciative of their intellect or their insight or
whatever they need to hear. That will be the reward.”
Questions Without Question Marks
This book is all about asking. But as we’ve seen, some questions work best when
they don’t end in a question mark.