49 Seven Ways to Improve Your Conversations
Speeding up is probably a more common cause of conversation
failure than slowing down. Try to
slow the conversation down
consciously and give first-stage thinking a reasonable amount of
time to happen. This technique is an integral part of the skills of
enquiry, which we explore further in Chapter 4.
4. Find common ground
Conversations are ways of finding common ground. You mostly
begin
in your own private territory, then use the conversation to
find boundaries and the openings where you can cross over to
the other person’s ground.
Notice how you ask for,
and give, permission for these moves
to happen. If you are asking permission to move into new
territory, you might:
• express yourself with lots of hesitant padding: ‘perhaps
we might…’, ‘I suppose I think…’, ‘It’s possible that…’;
• pause before speaking;
• look away or down a lot;
• explicitly ask permission: ‘Do you mind if I mention…?’
‘May I speak freely about…?’.
You do not proceed until the other
person has given their
permission. Such permission may be explicit: ‘Please say what
you like’; ‘I would really welcome your honest opinion’; ‘I don’t
mind you talking about that’. Other signs of permission might be
• Summarise and close one stage of the conversation.
• Look for the implications
of what the other person is
saying. ‘What does that mean in terms of…?’ ‘How does
this affect our plans?’ ‘So what action is possible here?’
• Ask for new ideas and offer some new ones of your own.
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