61 The Skills of Enquiry other person what to thin
k. In fact, this model implies that people
will talk to us only because they
want
our ideas. This model, too,
is wrong.
Listening well means helping the other person to find out
their ideas. The mind containing the problem probably also
contains the solution. Their solution is likely to be much better
than ours
because it’s theirs
. Paying attention means helping the
other person to make their thinking visible.
Of course, the other person may actually want advice. But
don’t assume that this is the case. Wait for them to ask; if
necessary, ask them what they want from you. Don’t rush. Give
them the chance to find their own ideas first. Paying attention in
this way will probably slow the conversation down more than
you feel is comfortable. Adjust your own tempo to that of the
other person. Wait longer than you want to.
Listen. Listen. And then listen some more. And when they
can’t think of anything else to say, ask: ‘What else do you think
about this? What else can you think of? What else comes to
mind?’ That invitation to talk more can bring even the weariest
brain back to life.
Interrupting Interrupting is the most obvious symptom of poor attention. It’s
irresistible. Some demon inside us seems to compel us to fill the
other person’s pauses with words. It’s as if the very idea of silence
is terrifying.
Mostly people interrupt because they are making
assumptions. Here are a few. Next time you interrupt someone in
a conversation, ask yourself which of them you are applying.
• My idea is better than theirs. • The answer is more important than the problem. • I have to utter my idea fast and if I don’t interrupt, I’ll lose my chance (or forget it).
