Improve Your Communication Skills, 2nd Edition

63 The Skills of Enquiry
conversation together, and neither of you is moving. The energy 
seems to drop out of the conversation. The speaker’s eyes don’t 
focus anywhere. If they are comfortable in your company, they 
may focus on you as a cue for you to choose what move to make. 
Wait out the pause. If the pause is empty, the speaker will 
probably say so in a few moments. ‘I can’t think of anything else.’ 
‘That’s it, really.’ ‘So. There we are. I’m stuck now.’ Try asking that 
question: ‘Can you think of anything else?’ Resist the temptation 
to move the conversation on by asking a more specific question. 
The moment you do that, you have closed down every other 
possible journey that you might take together: you are dictating 
the road to travel. Make sure that you only do so once the other 
person is ready to let you take the lead. 
Showing that you are paying attention 
Your face will show the other person whether you are paying 
attention to them. In particular, your eyes will speak volumes 
about the quality of your listening. 
By behaving 
as if 
you are interested, you can sometimes 
become
more interested. 
How to show that you are paying 
attention
Pay attention!
If you actually pay attention, you will look 
as if you are paying attention.
Relax your facial muscles.
Try not to frown. No rigid 
smiles.
Keep your eyes on the person doing the talking.
If you 
take your eyes away from them, be ready to bring your 
gaze back to them soon. (The speaker will probably look 
away frequently: that’s what we do when we’re thinking.)
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64 Improve your Communication Skills
It may be that such attentive looking actually inhibits the 
speaker. In some cultures, looking equates to staring and is a sign 
of disrespect. You need to be sensitive to these possible 
individual or cultural distinctions and adapt your eye 
movements accordingly. Generally, people do not look nearly 
enough at those they are listening to. The person speaking will 
pick up the quality of your attention through your eyes – possibly 
unconsciously – and the quality of their thinking will improve as 
a result.