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Without feeling personal affect and therefore weeping, it was impossible
to hear the lectures
because of the effort needed
not to
relate the learning, for the lectures seemed to make
connections (at least in my mind) to my experiences. Cutting off from feelings was no longer an
option, as if for a while I could do nothing but feel. The only way to listen was to feel, and
to pay
attention (Rennie 1998) to where that feeling came from so I could allow myself to stay with the
process and on the training course. The embodied feelings (Sidoli 2000) aroused by the violence
of trauma, could not be switched off. However they could be used so that it was possible to think
about and symbolize (Woodcock 2004) the processes within my internal world. Personal therapy
and counsellor training provided known worlds that could be held onto while at the same time
enabling me to incorporate murder and the unknown world that accompanied it. This congruent
and reflexive way of being emerged through the anguish and shock and enabled the continuation
of my life as opposed to trauma arresting further development (Lanyado 1985). There were two
consequences from experiencing this depth of anguish. Firstly it
enabled me to more readily
recognize anguish in others. My sensitivity to hear anguish in words that did not obviously
betray it and might even try to conceal it was heightened. This ability helped me to understand
the participants‟ narratives with a sensitivity that seemed to decipher anguish. Secondly feeling
deep anguish helped me to allow the depth of my own feelings rather than defending against
them. Recognizing such defences through feeling anguish enabled me to decode how anguish is
demonstrated in the participants‟ journals so that their defences are also uncovered within their
writing.
1.3.5. A murderous self
The raging self within me aroused by murder wanted to murder the perpetrator of the crime, and
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allowing this self to exist was as arduous as it was easy. It was arduous because it was an
unrecognised and rejected self, but easy because it was almost an automatic reaction of grief and
revenge (Purnell 2004). According to Estés the reaction of rage:
“is part of the healthy instinctual psyche to have deep reactions to disrespect, threat,
injury. Devout reaction is a natural and unexpected
part of learning about the
collective worlds of soul and psyche” (1992; 368).
Before trauma, fantasy allowed murder to be, only as fantasy, or as something that happened to
other people. Now I was frequently aware of a wish to kill anyone who could not stay with the
reality of what had happened. It was as if a Beast had awoken within me. Therapy enabled re-
entry into such experiences so that over time even the most hidden responses could be re-
experienced. This experiencing of self (Olesen 1992) in unrecognisable
forms was unsettling
(McCarthy 1984) and seemed to trigger reflexivity into being as it felt imperative to understand
myself in this altered form. It was as if an objective part of me stood aside, from myself, and the
world, as I watched myself live through what was happening. Coming face to face with such a
dark side enabled me to accept such internal selves and be more willing to investigate them as
opposed to disowning them by denial. Writing enabled this Beastly self to exist and be named, in
my poetry which made it real. Writing compliments counselling and seems to enable the writer
to grow in their own space. This personal space and previously denied selves would be found by
the participants as they wrote themselves into their own internal worlds.
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