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had been before. My known self seemed utterly lost so that nothing about myself was
recognisable (Siegel 1996). Even the reflection of my face in the mirror looked nothing like the
self I knew. This was an unbearable symbol of the unknown realm of being that was now
inhabited. But I had gained enough knowledge from therapy and psychodynamic training to
know that staying with the unknown and chaotic (Lees 2001) was part of the grieving process.
However from this chaotic unknown some kind of order (Godwin 1994) needed to evolve, so
that movement out of such chaos became possible. Re-experiencing feelings aroused by trauma
and then reflecting on those feelings began what Marshall (2001) sees as the process of
researching the self. This helped provide movement towards a felt sense of order. If the concept
of reflexivity (Rennie 1998; 2001; Etherington 2004) had been encountered before the trauma of
murder it might have been understood at a cognitive level but not experienced at a feeling level.
Caught in shock, where time appeared to stop, feeling was re-experienced, brought into
awareness, dwelt upon and cognitively investigated, in order to find some understanding of the
processes that followed. In a sense I discovered my own reflexivity but had no name for it. Being
able to name this process helped give credence and position to what felt like an alien world.
Although in shock, this stuck place was like a platform. I was able to look around and see where
I was. A stuck place was also discovered in the participants‟ journals and they were able to use it
in the same way which can be seen in the analysis of the narratives and the participants‟
feedback.
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