Games People Play

Thesis
: I can he destructive and still get forgiveness. 
Aim
: Absolution. 
Roles
: Aggressor, Victim (Colloquially, Schlemiel and Schlemazl). 
Dynamics
: Anal aggression. 
Examples
: (1) Messily destructive children. (2) Clumsy guest. 
Social Paradigm
: Adult-Adult. 
Adult: "Since I'm polite, you have to be polite, too." Adult: "That's fine. I forgive you." 
Psychological Paradigm
: Child-Parent. 
*The examples given for this and the next game (YDYB) follow those given previously by the 
author in Transactions! Analysis. 
Child: "You have to forgive things which appear accidental." 
Parent: "You are right. I have to show you what good manners are." 
Moves
: (1) Provocation-resentment. (2) Apology-forgiveness. 
Advantages
: (1) Internal Psychological—pleasure of messing. (2) External Psychological—Avoids 
punishment. (3) Internal Social—"Schlemiel." (4) External Social—"Schlemiel." (5) Biological—
provocative and gentle stroking. (6) Existential—I am blameless. 
4 WHY DON'T YOU-YES BUT
Thesis
. "Why Don't You—Yes But" occupies a special place in game analysis, because it was the 
original stimulus for the concept of games. It was the first game to be dissected out of its social 
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context, and since it is the oldest subject of game analysis, it is one of the best understood. It is also 
the game most commonly played at parties and groups of all kinds, including psychotherapy groups. 
The following example will serve to illustrate its main characteristics: 
White: "My husband always insists on doing our own repairs, and he never builds anything right." 
Black: "Why doesn't he take a course in carpentry?" White: "Yes, but he doesn't have time." Blue: 
"Why don't you buy him some good tools'?" White: "Yes, but he doesn't know how to use them." 
Red: "Why don't you have your building done by a carpenter?" 
White: "Yes, but that would cost too much." Brown: "Why don't you just accept what he does the 
way he does it}" 
White: "Yes, but the whole thing might fall down." 
Such an exchange is typically followed by a silence. It is eventually broken by Green, who may say 
something like, "That's men for you, always trying to show how efficient they are." 
YDYB can be played by any number. The agent presents a problem. The others start to present 
solutions, each beginning with "Why don't you . . . ?" To each of these White objects with a "Yes, 
but. ..." A good player can stand off the others indefinitely until they all give up, whereupon White 
wins. In many situations she might have to handle a dozen or more solutions to engineer the 
crestfallen silence which signifies her victory, and which leaves the field open for the next game in 
the above paradigm, Green switching into "PI A," Delinquent Husband Type. 
Since the solutions are, with rare exceptions, rejected, it is apparent that this game must serve some 
ulterior purpose. YDYB is not played for its ostensible purpose (an Adult quest for information or 
solutions), but to reassure and gratify the Child. A bare transcript may sound Adult, but in the 
living tissue it can be observed that White presents herself as a Child inadequate to meet the 
situation; whereupon the others become transformed into sage Parents anxious to dispense their 
wisdom for her benefit. 
Parent 
Parent 
< FIGURE 8 > Why Don't You-Yes But
This is illustrated in Figure 8. The game can proceed because at the social level both stimulus and 
response are Adult to Adult, and at the psychological level they are also complementary, with 
Parent to Child stimulus ("Why don't you. . . •") eliciting Child to Parent response ("Yes, but. . . .")• 
The psychological level is usually unconscious on both sides, but the shifts in ego state (Adult to 
"inadequate" Child on White's part. Adult to "wise" Parent by the others) can often be detected by 
an alert observer from changes in posture, muscular tone, voice and vocabulary. 
In order to illustrate the implications, it is instructive to follow through on the example given above. 
Therapist: "Did anyone suggest anything you hadn't thought of yourself?" 
Adult 
Child 
Adult 
Child 
Psychological Level 
Social Level 
White R: "Yes. but..." 
Others S: "Why don't you..." 
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White: "No, they didn't. As a matter of fact, I've actually tried almost everything they suggested. I 
did buy my husband some tools, and he did take a course in carpentry." 
Here White demonstrates two of the reasons why the proceedings should not be taken at face value. 
First, in the majority of cases White is as intelligent as anyone else in the company, and it is very 
unlikely that others will suggest any solution that she has not thought of herself. If someone does 
happen to come up with an original suggestion, White will accept it gratefully if she is playing fair; 
that is, her "inadequate" Child will give way if anyone present has an idea ingenious enough to 
stimulate her Adult. But habitual YDYB players, such as White above, seldom play fair. On the 
other hand, a too ready acceptance of suggestions raises the question of whether the YDYB is not 
masking an underlying game of "Stupid." 
The example given is particularly dramatic, because it clearly illustrates the second point. Even if 
White has actually tried some of the solutions presented, she will still object to them. The purpose 
of the game is not to get suggestions, but to reject them. 
While almost anyone will play this game under proper circumstances because of its time-
structuring value, careful study of individuals who particularly favor it reveals several interesting 
features. First, they characteristically can and will play either side of the game with equal facility. 
This switchability of roles is true of all games. Players may habitually prefer one role to another, 
but they are capable of trading, and they are willing to play any other role in the same game, if for 
some reason that is indicated. (Compare, for example, the switch from Drinker to Rescuer in the 
game of "Alcoholic.") 
Second, in clinical practice it is found that people who favor YDYB belong to that class of patients 
who eventually request hypnosis or some sort of hypnotic injection as a method of speeding up 
their treatment. When they are playing the game, their object is to demonstrate that no one can give 
them an acceptable suggestion—that is, they will never surrender: whereas with the therapist, they 
request a procedure which will put them in a state of complete surrender. It is thus apparent that 
YDYB represents a social solution to a conflict about surrender. 
Even more specifically, this game is common among people who have a fear of blushing, as die 
following therapeutic exchange demonstrates: 
Therapist: "Why do you play 'Why Don't You—Yes But' if you know it's a con?" 
White: "If I'm talking to somebody I have to keep thinking of things to say. If I don't, I'll blush. 
Except in the dark. I can't stand a lull. I know it, and my husband knows it, too. He's always told 
me that." 
Therapist: "You mean if your Adult doesn't keep busy, your Child takes the chance to pop up and 
make you feel embarrassed?" 
White: "That's it. So if I can keep making suggestions to somebody, or get him to make suggestions 
to me, then I'm all right, I'm protected. As long as I can keep my Adult in control, I can postpone 
the embarrassment." 
Here White indicates clearly that she fears unstructured time. Her Child is prevented from 
advertising as long as the Adult can be kept busy in a social situation, and a game offers a suitable 
structure for Adult functioning. But the game must be suitably motivated in order to maintain her 
interest. Her choice of YDYB is influenced by the principle of economy: it yields die maximum 
internal and external advantages to her Child's conflicts about physical passivity. She could play 
with equal zest either die shrewd Child who cannot be dominated or the sage Parent who tries to 
dominate the Child in someone else, but fails. Since the basic principle of YDYB is that no 
suggestion is ever accepted, the Parent is never successful. The motto of the game is: "Don't get 
panicky, the Parent never succeeds." 
In summary, then: while each move is amusing, so to speak, to White, and brings its own little 
pleasure in rejecting the suggestion, the real payoff is the silence or masked silence which ensues 
when all the others have racked their brains and grown tired of trying to think of acceptable 
solutions. This signifies to White and to them that she has won by demonstrating it is they who are 
inadequate. If the silence is not masked, it may persist for several minutes. In the paradigm, Green 
cut White's triumph short because of her eagerness to start a game of her own, and that was what 
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kept her from participating in White's game. Later on in the session, White demonstrated her 
resentment against Green for having abridged her moment of victory. 
Another curious feature of YDYB is that the external and internal games are played exactly the 
same way, with die roles reversed. In the external form, the one observed clinically, White's Child 
comes out to play the role of the inadequate helpseeker in a many-handed situation. In the 
internal form, the more intimate two-handed game played at home with her husband, her Parent 
comes out as the wise, efficient suggestion-giver, This reversal is usually secondary, however, 
since during the courtship she plays the helpless Child side, and only after the honeymoon is over 
does her bossy Parent begin to emerge into the open. There may have been slips as the wedding 
approached, but her fiance will overlook these in his eagerness to settle down with his carefully 
chosen bride. If he does not overlook them, the engagement may be called off for "good reasons," 
and White, sadder but no wiser, will resume her search for a suitable mate.