Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“WHY” QUESTIONS
Back in Chapter 7, I talked about the problems with “Why?”
Across our planet and around the universe, “Why?” makes
people defensive.
As an experiment, the next time your boss wants
something done ask him or her “Why?” and watch what
happens. Then try it with a peer, a subordinate, and a friend.
Observe their reactions and tell me if you don’t find some
level of defensiveness across the spectrum. Don’t do this too
much, though, or you’ll lose your job and all your friends.
The only time I say, “Why did you do that?” in a
negotiation is when I want to knock someone back. It’s an
iffy technique, though, and I wouldn’t advocate it.
There is, however, another way to use “Why?”
effectively. The idea is to employ the defensiveness the
question triggers to get your counterpart to defend your
position.
I know it sounds weird, but it works. The basic format
goes like this: When you want to flip a dubious counterpart
to your side, ask them, “Why would you do that?” but in a
way that the “that” favors you. Let me explain. If you are
working to lure a client away from a competitor, you might
say, “Why would you ever do business with me? Why
would you ever change from your existing supplier?
They’re great!”
In these questions, the “Why?” coaxes your counterpart
into working for you.
“I” MESSAGES

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Using the first-person singular pronoun is another great way
to set a boundary without escalating into confrontation.
When you say, “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me,”
the word “I” strategically focuses your counterpart’s
attention onto you long enough for you to make a point.
The traditional “I” message is to use “I” to hit the pause
button and step out of a bad dynamic. When you want to
counteract unproductive statements from your counterpart,
you can say, “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___,” and
that demands a time-out from the other person.
But be careful with the big “I”: You have to be mindful
not to use a tone that is aggressive or creates an argument.
It’s got to be cool and level.