Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

1. A “No”-oriented email question to reinitiate
contact: “Have you given up on settling this
amicably?”
2. A statement that leaves only the answer of
“That’s right” to form a dynamic of agreement:
“It seems that you feel my bill is not justified.”
3. Calibrated questions about the problem to get
him to reveal his thinking: “How does this bill
violate our agreement?”
4. More
“No”-oriented questions to remove
unspoken barriers: “Are you saying I misled
you?” “Are you saying I didn’t do as you
asked?” “Are you saying I reneged on our
agreement?” or “Are you saying I failed you?”
5. Labeling and mirroring the essence of his
answers if they are not acceptable so he has to
consider them again: “It seems like you feel my
work was subpar.” Or “. . . my work was

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subpar?”
6. A calibrated question in reply to any offer other
than full payment, in order to get him to offer a
solution: “How am I supposed to accept that?”
7. If none of this gets an offer of full payment, a
label that flatters his sense of control and power:
“It seems like you are the type of person who
prides himself on the way he does business—
rightfully so—and has a knack for not only
expanding the pie but making the ship run more
efficiently.”
8. A long pause and then one more “No”-oriented
question: “Do you want to be known as someone
who doesn’t fulfill agreements?”
From my long experience in negotiation, scripts like this
have a 90 percent success rate. That is, if the negotiator
stays calm and rational. And that’s a big if.
In this case, she didn’t.
The first step—the magic email—worked better than she
imagined, and the CEO called within ten minutes, surprising
her. Almost immediately her anger flared at the sound of his
patronizing voice. Her only desire became to show him how
he was wrong, to impose her will, and the conversation
became a showdown that went nowhere.
You probably don’t need me to tell you that she didn’t

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even get half.
With that in mind, I want to end this chapter with some
advice on how to remain rational in a negotiation. Even with
all the best techniques and strategy, you need to regulate
your emotions if you want to have any hope of coming out
on top.
The first and most basic rule of keeping your emotional
cool is to bite your tongue. Not literally, of course. But you
have to keep away from knee-jerk, passionate reactions.
Pause. Think. Let the passion dissipate. That allows you to
collect your thoughts and be more circumspect in what you
say. It also lowers your chance of saying more than you
want to.
The Japanese have this figured out. When negotiating
with a foreigner, it’s common practice for a Japanese
businessman to use a translator even when he understands
perfectly what the other side is saying. That’s because
speaking through a translator forces him to step back. It
gives him time to frame his response.
Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted,
do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by
asking a calibrated question. The next time a waiter or
salesclerk tries to engage you in a verbal skirmish, try this
out. I promise you it will change the entire tenor of the
conversation.
The basic issue here is that when people feel that they
are not in control, they adopt what psychologists call a
hostage mentality. That is, in moments of conflict they react

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to their lack of power by either becoming extremely
defensive or lashing out.
Neurologically, in situations like this the fight-or-flight
mechanism in the reptilian brain or the emotions in the
limbic system overwhelm the rational part of our mind, the
neocortex, leading us to overreact in an impulsive,
instinctive way.
In a negotiation, like in the one between my client and
the CEO, this always produces a negative outcome. So we
have to train our neocortex to override the emotions from
the other two brains.
That means biting your tongue and learning how to
mindfully change your state to something more positive.
And it means lowering the hostage mentality in your
counterpart by asking a question or even offering an
apology. (“You’re right. That was a bit harsh.”)
If you were able to take an armed kidnapper who’d been
surrounded by police and hook him up to a cardiac monitor,
you’d find that every calibrated question and apology would
lower his heart rate just a little bit. And that’s how you get to
a dynamic where solutions can be found.