No Longer Human Osamu Dazai


usual "onlooking" during the physical training period while the rest of us



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usual
"onlooking" during the physical training period while the rest of us
drilled on the horizontal bar. Deliberately assuming as solemn a face as
I could muster, I lunged overhead at the bar,
shouting with the effort. I
missed the bar and sailed on as if I were making a broad jump, landing
with a thud in the sand on the seat of my pants. This failure was
entirely premeditated, but everybody burst out laughing, exactly as I
had planned. I got to my feet with a rueful smile and was brushing the
sand from my pants when Takeichi, who had crept up from somewhere
behind, poked me in the back. lie murmured, "You did it on purpose."


I trembled all over. I might have guessed that someone would detect
that I had deliberately missed the bar, but that Takeichi should have
been the one came as a bolt from the blue. I felt as if I had seen the
world before me burst in an instant into the raging flames of hell. It
was all I could do to suppress a wild shriek of terror.
The ensuing days were imprinted with my anxiety and dread. I
continued on the surface making everybody laugh with my miserable
clowning, but now and then painful sighs escaped my lips. Whatever I
did Takeichi would see through it, and I was sure he would soon start
spreading the word to everyone he saw. At this thought my forehead
broke out in a sweat; I stared around me vacantly with the wild
eyes of
a madman. If it were possible, I felt, I would like to keep a twenty-four
hours a day surveillance over Takeichi, never stirring from him,
morning, noon or night, to make sure that he did not divulge the secret.
I brooded over what I should do: I would devote the hours spent with

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