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Compare only with yourself
Ignore what everyone else is doing.
Your life is not about everyone else; it’s
about you. Instead of focusing on their
path, pay attention to your own. That’s
where your journey is taking place.
Comparison is one of the most common reasons why we experience sadness.
I admit that comparison has stolen my joy on many occasions. It got to the
stage where I was often embarrassed by my life because it wasn’t as
attractive as the lives of those around me. I remember during school I’d rarely
invite my friends to my house because I felt embarrassed by its size and
condition.
It’s very difficult in this world not to compare yourself with others. During
one of my meditations, I came across a memory of a wedding I attended as a
child. I joined in some games with the other kids; I must have only been 10
years old. There was a boy who was a few years older than me and he was
dictating what game we’d play next. He appeared to be the leader.
There was one instance where we’d all stopped playing and this leader took a
good look around at us all to see what we were wearing. He was dressed very
smartly in expensive designer-branded clothes.
He was very rude to the other kids about their clothes. I started getting a little
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anxious as he was coming round to me. My clothes were far from expensive.
I didn’t want him to mock me in front of the others and call me poor. This
would’ve made me feel embarrassed, particularly as I was already insecure
about my home life.
Fortunately for me, there was a distraction and I got away without being
called out. However, the fear of being judged for my apparent lack of wealth
never left me. It just got worse as I got older. On special days at school when
we got to wear what we wanted, kids who didn’t wear branded clothes were
often picked on.
I’m not sure how my mum did it, with three of us kids and a minimum-wage
job, but she ensured we weren’t ever in this position. Nevertheless, if I was
wearing Nike-branded shoes, they’d be the cheapest ones you could buy. I’d
keep looking at the kids who were wearing the expensive ones, feeling poor
and insignificant. I wanted what they had and these moments reminded me of
everything I lacked.
Children can acquire the habit of comparing themselves to others from their
parents. Parents want the best for their child, so they might celebrate other
kids as a way to motivate their own child to do better. For example, they
might say, ‘Saira got straight As in her exams. She’s so bright and has an
amazing future ahead of her.’
As harmless as the intention might be, this has the potential to undermine a
child’s abilities, especially if they’re not being praised for their achievements,
too. If direct comparisons are drawn, then a child can feel degraded and
worthless. Lines such as, ‘You should be as smart as Saira,’ are extremely
damaging and can leave a child forever feeling that they’re not good enough.
Brand marketing encourages us to draw comparisons all the time. You’re not
trendy if it’s not Apple, you’re not successful if it’s not Lamborghini and
you’re not fashionable if it’s not something an A-list celebrity wore. These
implications are made through cunning marketing strategies devised to prey
on fear and low self-esteem.
When we compare, we always look at those who we perceive to be doing
better than us; rarely do we look at those who are facing bigger struggles than
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us. So we never feel grateful for what we 
do
have.
Looking to others for inspiration
is fine, but there’s a difference
between inspiration and envy.
The rise of social media is proving problematic, too. Younger age groups of
children and adults are now becoming heavily absorbed in it, unaware that
social media presents rose-tinted versions of life as the truth, and it’s against
this fiction that they’re comparing themselves.
I’ve learned that sometimes real couples who are on the brink of giving up on
their relationship will post a multitude of loving images online so that no one
realizes what they’re going through and judges them. (Not that these couples
would be likely to share their arguments and disagreements online instead; no
one says halfway through an argument, ‘Hold on, let me take a picture of
this.’) People will post remarks saluting how amazing the couple’s
relationship is and how they wish they could have the same thing – drawing a
comparison. They have no idea what’s happening behind the scenes. We
cannot see or understand everything from one shot.
Comparing our lives with others’ that we see online is a waste of energy.
People only share photos in which they look attractive, happy and successful;
not when they’re tired, scared and lonely.
Similarly, I’ve also learned that some on-screen relationships are
manufactured for the purpose of benefiting those involved – for example, to
build up their public profiles. That’s why some of these couples appear to
have more love towards the camera than towards each other. Despite this,
their snapshots can still be sold.
Remember, if someone is sharing images or videos of their wonderful life,
you don’t know what they went through to get it. For every triumph, there
might have been a bucket load of blood, sweat and tears. Even for some of
the public figures who are constantly seen online as being in love, there
might be a history of rejection and bullying. For every gorgeous photo, there
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may be 50 that were deleted.
I’ve come across people who are completely different on social media from
who they are in real life. The truth is distorted with filters and inspirational
captions to make everything seem better than it is. We all know this, but it’s
easy to forget.
It appeals to human nature to turn to social media for instant validation
through likes, comments and followers. When we engage with social media,
our brain releases dopamine, a hormone that makes us feel good (and is also
involved in addiction). Have you considered that you might be comparing
your life with those of people who use social media to fill a void in
themselves because they’ve forgotten how to practise self-love?
This isn’t about what other people are doing or sharing online. It’s not about
what they’re up to in life or how far they’ve gone. It’s about you. Your
competition is you. Outdoing yourself is your daily task, and that’s where
your comparison should be directed: on the person you were yesterday. If you
want to be the greatest version of yourself, you have to keep the focus on
your own life and goals.
Competing with others encourages
bitterness, not betterment.
No two single journeys are the same. You’re on your own path. We all move
through life at our own pace and reach different stages at different times.
Someone else might already be at the most interesting part of their show
while you’re still making preparations behind the scenes for yours. This
doesn’t mean that you won’t get your opportunity to get on stage and shine.
Look at other people’s lives and applaud their successes. And then continue
to pursue your own. Be grateful for what you have right now. And remember
how far you’ve come as you continue in the direction of your dreams.
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