Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others

Suggestions for How to Use This Question
“How did you get started?”
Of all the questions you might ask, what's best about this one is the joy, passion, and
inspiration it brings to both you and the teller. How did you get started provides a many-
splendored array of stories. Each one is precious, full of joy (and, at times, heartbreak
along the way). And often some precious laughter.
In asking this question, you will find men and women who live life with a playful
curiosity. They are willing to risk it all, to roll the dice. They are not afraid to go out on
a limb, because they know that's where the fruit is.
When you ask, “How did you get started?” you also help recognize the ordinary as
extraordinary. Every friend, colleague, or even stranger has a story that is dear to them.
How they chose their profession. How they met their spouse. That serendipitous trip to
Los Angeles, where they ended up settling down. When these stories are shared, a
connection is created.
When to use the question
Anytime, to invite someone to share how they got started in their career—or in
any other part of their lives.
Alternative versions of the question
Of a couple: “How did you two meet and end up together?”
Of an artist or musician: “Who taught you? How did you learn your craft?”
Of anyone: “Where did you grow up? And how did you end up in. . .?”

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Follow-up questions
“How did you decide to do that at the time?”
“What was the toughest lesson you had to learn?”
“If that had fallen through. . .what do you think would have happened?”

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8
Start Over
“You're not only smoking it,” he says. “You're inhaling.” He isn't smiling.
I am talking with Allan Favort about a gift to his alma mater. I know from
everything he has told me, and from his gifts in the past, he has great
passion for his university. I also know that he has the high financial
capacity to make a major gift. And he knows I know!
Because I am so certain of his dedication to his alma mater, I don't waste
any time getting into our discussion. I greet him and launch right into it.
“Allan, I know how much you love the university. I'd like you to make a
gift of a million dollars to go to the College of Engineering where you
graduated. I know you're committed to the College and that's where your
recent annual gifts have been going.”
That's when he stops me in my tracks. A hand as big as a baseball mitt is
in my face.
“You come busting in here and just like that, you ask me for a million
bucks. And you assume I'd be interested in the College of Engineering.”
The Cherokee Indians had a saying they used before going into war: “It's
a good day to die.” That's how I feel. Actually, I believe the battle is over
and I am being carried off on a stretcher. I look at Allan and take a deep
breath.
“I can't believe I really did that, Allan.” (What was I thinking? I know
you're supposed to take time to gain rapport. And then as subtly as the
landing of a butterfly, you can begin exploring to find the right
motivations.). “I'm embarrassed, Allan. I thought I knew you so well I just
went dashing in. I'm so sorry for my thoughtlessness. Forgive me.”
Then, I pick up my briefcase and my coat and leave. I don't even say
goodbye. I just close the door and leave.
About 20 seconds later, I knock on the door. I open it a crack.

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“Hi, Allan. Can I come in for a few minutes? I have something very
special to talk with you about. It's about the university. I think you are going
to find this terribly exciting.” I add: “And by the way, do you mind if we
start completely over?” Allan smiles, and nods his head without speaking.
Then I do what I should have done to begin with. I chat, observe, and
begin asking questions. Most of all, I encourage Allan to talk. I discreetly
try to work the key in the lock.
Here's what I hear. After some artful prying, it turns out Allan isn't
interested at all in making a gift to the College of Engineering. He's
interested in the theater program at the university.
He tells me: “I guess no one but my wife knows this but when I entered
the university, I was a drama major. I wanted to be an actor. Fortunately, I
switched to engineering—and the world was saved from having a very bad
actor.
“If I am going to make a gift, and mind you, I'm not saying I will—I'd be
happy to talk some more about that crazy amount of money you asked me
for before you took off so abruptly.”
We talk and talk.
Finally, he says, “You know that theater program we're talking about?
(Actually, he did all the talking. I just inserted a question now and then.) I
suppose if you give me a couple of extra years, I could probably make a gift
of a million bucks.”
I'm reciting Psalms.
It may feel awkward, but it's a bold, gutsy strategy to restart a
conversation from scratch. It could be with someone at work or a
family member at home. When you get off on the wrong foot, ask, “Do