Ask More: The Power of Questions to Open Doors, Uncover Solutions, and Spark Change pdfdrive com

Where the Wild Things Are tells the story of Max, the book’s adventurous
boy traveler, who put on his wolf suit, made mischief, and sailed away to rumble
with the wild things. And when he decided it was time to go home, Max “sailed
back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and into the night of
his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him … and it was still
hot.”
It is that sense of place and that rhythm of the journey that Sendak was
relaying to Terry Gross. What kid doesn’t stand in Max’s shoes and imagine—
and empathize?
Therapeutic Inquiry
You don’t need a degree to be a disciplined listener and an empathetic
questioner. You just need to know who you are talking to and be able to imagine
what the world looks like through their eyes. Terry explains that it’s like mining
what’s beneath the surface.
“When I’m interviewing somebody,” she says, “I’m drawing on the self-
knowledge they already have. I’m not presuming to be a therapist and lead them
to questions that will enable them to reach self-knowledge that they don’t
already have.”
Terry is right to recognize that, however adept her questioning, traveling to
the depths where the psyche holds its secrets, insecurities, repressed memories,
and Freudian trappings is not what she’s paid to do. That’s someone else’s job.
Which is why I decided to see a therapist, someone trained to go to those places
—carefully and over time, an empathetic questioner by definition.
I met Betty Pristera at the airport in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina. She

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pulled up in her little Honda Civic, a fitting vehicle for this compact spring of a
woman, who, I soon learned, was also a competitive ballroom dancer. She
bounded out of the car to greet me.
“Welcome to Raleigh-Durham,” she said with a beaming smile, “How are
you?” She shook my hand, directed me to the passenger seat and began asking
about my life before we were out of the airport. We headed to a nearby
restaurant for a late breakfast, where we were waist-deep in conversation before
the eggs hit the table.
A friend had introduced me to Betty after I’d mentioned to him that I wanted
to explore how therapists use empathetic questioning to help people discover and
heal. My friend had been through a rough time, and Betty helped him through it.
He said she had listened and guided and empathized. She didn’t judge. She drew
him out and asked him to explore his life and his experiences in profoundly
reflective ways. She helped him discover secrets he kept from himself so he
could reconnect and get his life back on track. She maintained intimate distance.
I wanted to know how the rest of us could apply these techniques in our own
questioning. What could we learn from this empathetic therapist to become more
effective questioners?
Betty came from a large Italian family. She grew up in New Jersey. Her
father was a chemist, her mom a housewife. She was nurtured on the traditions,
flavors, and smells of southern Italy. There was always food and family in the
house. And music. Everyone played something. Her father and brothers played
the violin, her mother and sister played the piano. Several family members sang.
Betty learned piano early. She was performing by the time she was nine. There
was talk that she should go to Juilliard and make music her career. But she was
drawn to people.
When Betty was eleven, she watched her grandfather die. Her mother
maintained a bedside vigil, and Betty was nearby. The young girl witnessed her
mother’s “heart and courage” as she bore the pain of the dying man. Betty took
the experience as a calling and became a hospital volunteer. Ultimately, she went
to nursing school, earned a master’s degree in social work, and studied marriage
and family therapy. Her first job was at an adult day program at the Eastern
Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute, where she led group therapy sessions. When
her husband was accepted at the University of North Carolina for an advanced
degree, Betty got an appointment in the UNC department of psychiatry and
began doing clinical work in marriage and family therapy. Within a few years,
she hung out her own shingle and established a thriving private practice.

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Betty’s practice has changed as families have changed. She works with
straight couples and gay couples, blended and step families. Modern families.
She listens with intensity, and while her eyes lock, they never judge. She sees it
all: anxiety, depression, problems with parents, children, addiction, and
tragedies. Betty is gentle and sure. She describes her approach with her patients
as precise and purposeful.
“I have a broad definition of a relationship and what constitutes family,” she
explains. She asks in order to learn, and to get people to talk.