Ask More: The Power of Questions to Open Doors, Uncover Solutions, and Spark Change pdfdrive com

CHAPTER 4
FROM THE INSIDE OUT
Empathy Questions
I
SAT DOWN WITH
four young moms. They arranged themselves in a semicircle so we
could all see each other. They were polite, soft-spoken, nicely dressed, and anxious to
talk about themselves and their children. A diverse group—black and white and
Hispanic—all of them were single moms and receiving some form of public
assistance.
?
I was there to do a story for CNN on welfare reform from the perspective of
those receiving the benefits—the people we don’t hear from very often, the
people we talk about, but seldom with. I wanted to hear about their lives and
explore with them how the proposed changes would affect them. The welfare
reform law, known formally as the Personal Responsibility and Work
Opportunity Act of 1996, sparked heated debate and controversy. It placed time
limits on welfare benefits, required recipients to find work, tightened child
support enforcement, and tried to discourage out-of-wedlock births by limiting
benefits for young single parents. I had heard an endless parade of politicians
and experts sound off on the issue. But I was curious: how did these proposed
changes look through the eyes of the people who would be directly affected by
them? So I asked.
What difference will this new law make?
What kind of job do you want?
How will a job help you make ends meet?
They all said a job would improve their lives and their finances. A job would
give them self-respect and a steady income would help them be better parents.
But they still needed to take care of their children. They still needed healthcare.

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They worried about whether their paycheck would be enough to feed the whole
family. They wanted to work, but they had valid concerns—and a lot of
questions.
As the conversation unfolded and I learned about their lives, I discovered a
much more complicated reality than I had imagined. Three of the women had
struggled with alcohol or drug issues. One had six kids, including a son who was
born with a heart defect and needed frequent medical care. None of these women
had gone to college. One said she could barely read.
One of the moms told me about a job interview she had coming up at a local
hospital. She was excited and preparing for it. What was the job? I asked.
Working in reception or something, she replied. What did it pay? Minimum
wage, she thought. How would she afford childcare on minimum wage? Would
she have healthcare? How would she get to and from work? She had no idea.
As the conversation unfolded, I realized that the real story here was how
much we didn’t know and couldn’t imagine. These women lived fractured and
difficult lives, filled with struggle and pain, sometimes of their own doing. I did
my best to capture the conversation, but I wished the public could have been
there, asking these questions and hearing the answers for themselves, because
these women—despite every expectation and stereotype—were inspiring in their
determination. You got a different perspective if you asked:
What do you see when you wake up each day?
What are you feeling, fearing, and thinking?
What do you want for your children?
The questions that have always interested me the most are the ones that
explore people as three-dimensional beings, each with a unique and layered
story. They are questions that mine the most complex human elements, revealing
depth of soul and experience. They are questions that foster understanding of
someone you don’t know or who is very different from you.
These questions—empathy questions—explore what makes people tick,
think, fear, and feel. They focus unselfishly and spring from genuine interest.
The simple act of asking, of listening without comment or judgment and letting a
silence linger or a free-form thought coalesce, invites a person to reflect or think
out loud. It might even prompt a revelation.
Empathetic questioning helps you connect with a friend who is going
through a divorce, a family member who has cancer, a teenager who is

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struggling with grades and social hierarchy, or a welfare mom. Use this line of
inquiry when a colleague needs to talk through an argument at home or politics
at the office, or when you want to reach out to someone who comes from a
different place, background, or perspective.
In this chapter, I explore empathetic questioning through the prism of
example and from the perspective of those who’ve studied it and done it for a
living. They know how to use questions to enhance trust, reinforce relationships,
and improve our understanding of ourselves. This form of questioning pays off
in a number of ways. Research shows empathetic bosses inspire more productive
workers. Empathetic doctors are more effective. A variety of studies has linked
empathy to better health outcomes and lower stress levels. A study published in
the Journal of the Association of American Medical Colleges in 2011 found that
diabetes patients did a better job regulating their blood sugar when being treated
by empathetic doctors. Other studies have found that cancer patients had greater
trust in doctors who responded to them empathetically and reported less
depression and better quality of life.
Using questions to establish empathetic relationships involves seeing and
asking from another perspective. Ask to: