George Bernard Shaw a penn State Electronic Classics Series Publication

themselves].
HECTOR
. Behave yourself, Hesione. Lady Utterword is
entitled not only to hospitality but to civilization.
LADY UTTERWORD 
[gratefully]. Thank you, Hector.
[They shake hands cordially].
Mazzini Dunn is seen crossing the garden from starboard to
port.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER 
[coming from the pantry and ad-
dressing Ellie]. Your father has washed himself.
ELLIE 
[quite self-possessed]. He often does, Captain Shotover.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. A strange conversion! I saw him
through the pantry window.
Mazzini Dunn enters through the port window door, newly
washed and brushed, and stops, smiling benevolently, between
Mangan and Mrs Hushabye.

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65
GB Shaw
MRS HUSHABYE 
[introducing]. Mr Mazzini Dunn, Lady
Ut—oh, I forgot: you’ve met. [Indicating Ellie] Miss Dunn.
MAZZINI 
[walking across the room to take Ellie’s hand, and
beaming at his own naughty irony]. I have met Miss Dunn
also. She is my daughter. [He draws her arm through his ca-
ressingly].
MRS HUSHABYE
. Of course: how stupid! Mr Utterword,
my sister’s—er—
RANDALL 
[shaking hands agreeably]. Her brother-in-law,
Mr Dunn. How do you do?
MRS HUSHABYE
. This is my husband.
HECTOR
. We have met, dear. Don’t introduce us any more.
[He moves away to the big chair, and adds] Won’t you sit down,
Lady Utterword? [She does so very graciously].
MRS HUSHABYE
. Sorry. I hate it: it’s like making people
show their tickets.
MAZZINI 
[sententiously]. How little it tells us, after all! The
great question is, not who we are, but what we are.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. Ha! What are you?
MAZZINI 
[taken aback]. What am I?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. A thief, a pirate, and a murderer.
MAZZINI
. I assure you you are mistaken.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER
. An adventurous life; but what does
it end in? Respectability. A ladylike daughter. The language
and appearance of a city missionary. Let it be a warning to
all of you [he goes out through the garden].
DUNN
. I hope nobody here believes that I am a thief, a
pirate, or a murderer. Mrs Hushabye, will you excuse me a
moment? I must really go and explain. [He follows the cap-
tain].
MRS HUSHABYE 
[as he goes]. It’s no use. You’d really bet-
ter—[but Dunn has vanished]. We had better all go out and
look for some tea. We never have regular tea; but you can
always get some when you want: the servants keep it stewing
all day. The kitchen veranda is the best place to ask. May I
show you? [She goes to the starboard door].
RANDALL 
[going with her]. Thank you, I don’t think I’ll
take any tea this afternoon. But if you will show me the gar-
den—

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66
Heartbreak House
MRS HUSHABYE
. There’s nothing to see in the garden
except papa’s observatory, and a gravel pit with a cave where
he keeps dynamite and things of that sort. However, it’s
pleasanter out of doors; so come along.
RANDALL
. Dynamite! Isn’t that rather risky?
MRS HUSHABYE
. Well, we don’t sit in the gravel pit when
there’s a thunderstorm.
LADY UTTERORRD
. That’s something new. What is the
dynamite for?
HECTOR
. To blow up the human race if it goes too far. He
is trying to discover a psychic ray that will explode all the
explosive at the well of a Mahatma.
ELLIE
. The captain’s tea is delicious, Mr Utterword.
MRS HUSHABYE 
[stopping in the doorway]. Do you mean
to say that you’ve had some of my father’s tea? that you got
round him before you were ten minutes in the house?
ELLIE
. I did.
MRS HUSHABYE
. You little devil! [She goes out with
Randall].
MANGAN
. Won’t you come, Miss Ellie?
ELLIE
. I’m too tired. I’ll take a book up to my room and
rest a little. [She goes to the bookshelf].
MANGAN
. Right. You can’t do better. But I’m disappointed.
[He follows Randall and Mrs Hushabye].