101
freedom category was chosen because it demonstrates dynamic
movement created within the
client. So perhaps the initial analysis is right in that, for the client, this did feel like an enabling
experience. There is a sense of process, of transformation, as feeling trapped changes into more
peaceful affect. Yet that feels too straight-forward for such a complex piece of reflexive writing.
In example 1b the overtones of a desire to be merged with a lost mother are felt (line 5 /6), which
is perhaps why there is a sense of the mystical about the entry. The first two lines may well
suggest the space between the client and counsellor where the client can think and play (1a), but
they may also demonstrate that in being trapped the participant is able to be still, and perceive
where she is (1b). As the client tips out the box (line 3) she may be playing (1a), but she may
also be angry (1b) like the Beast. Line 4 could then suggest that the participant may be throwing
her “secret self” at the counsellor as she finds the Beast within her. Her possible overcontained-
overfree state suggests she is anxious about being open with the counsellor – as if the Beast has
to hide. There seems to be envy (line 5) of this tranquil place the client sees outside herself for
she wants this containment (1b) or this Beauty. The move the participant makes towards
containment (1b) suggests that she is unsure of just where this place is, for it seems she has never
experienced it within herself. But perhaps the first interpretation (1a) shows the participant as
beginning to experience this place internally. So, maybe
both perspectives can be true, and
perhaps this is what makes this way of categorising so useful, for there can be more than one
interpretation. This suggests that there is often no one correct way of interpreting but many
aspects which can be investigated. The entry itself, like a poem,
also becomes the container
(Maltby 2003) for the participant‟s unconscious feelings, like her possible anger towards the
counsellor. In the safety of the journal she finds the potential space (Winnicott 1971) where she
can create something new (Satyamurti 2003).
102
It was examples like this above entry that led to the containment-freedom polarity becoming the
structure (p.126) that holds all the other polarities. It holds movement and stillness,
demonstrating the need for both in the internal world of the client. In this way it also holds all the
other categories as a structure or framework within which to work. Because of this change in
understanding about the containment-freedom category, it was not used as a category in the main
study analysis.
4.3
Defining the categories
The categories were discovered through repeated readings of the journals and the search for
similarities within words and meanings. But defining the categories also grew through my
separation from the work and subsequent re-engagement. Time away rather than creating the loss
of the study enabled a new engagement with the work. For example, when coping with several
losses within my family of origin I struggled to work and felt that I might have to let go of the
study. But as I emerged out of that grieving process hindsight enabled me to see that I had been
stuck, perhaps within the category of uncontained-unfree. I was able to look around and see
where I was and this looking around prevented me from letting go. It enabled me to hold onto the
possibility of change within myself and the study. The physical
and emotional space created
during this time enabled a re-examination of the categories and of the work that had been
accomplished so far.
4.3.1.Uncontained-unfree
A similarity that became apparent was that all the participants felt stuck or unable to move in
some way reflecting my sense of being stuck in shock in chapter 1. The words and phrases
associated with being stuck, not moving that were found in the journals were:
103
Table i. To show words relating to being stuck;
not moving; not existing:
Stuck
Disappearing
Distant
Afraid to let go
Blocked
Caught
Too much
Cornered
Holding back
Lost in the crowd
Disconnected
Tightly hold
Tightness inside
Resistant
Rationalizing
Stranded
Distracted
Cold
Swallowed up
Nowhere to turn
Loosing threads
In a fog
Nothing to say
Shutting down
Powerless
Bored
Stranded
I blank her out
This stuck place where there is no movement became the axis of the polarity and was named
uncontained-unfree (p. 122). There seems to be little difference between uncontained and unfree.
Uncontained suggests that there is no holding of any kind whereas unfree suggests that there is
no freedom of any kind. All the words and phrases in the above table suggest
a stuck place where
the client loses the possibility of internal shifts. They also suggest feelings of not existing within
themselves which implies that they have like Beauty no power to act, or make choices within
themselves. The following extract demonstrates the category uncontained-unfree:
104
Extract 2. Journal entry and analysis to show the category uncontained unfree.
Lines Words from the journal Analysis
1. understood
2. listened to
3. warm
4.
warmth
5. safety
6. content (not wanting to go)
7. afraid
8. wanting to “disappear”
9. stranded
10. “sick”
11. Alone, but “feeling” supported
It seems that the holding offered by the
counselling takes the client back to a
baby-like
state where she feels the
warmth
of
being
held.
In
this
comfortable state she does not want to
leave and her
desire for containment
feels strong.
The sudden change of feelings in the
next line (7) suggest a move to
Dostları ilə paylaş: