7.3.4.Little Girl
Little Girl‟s name came from her writing out a well known nursery rhyme as one of her entries:
„There was a little girl‟. Already someone who wrote poetry she wrote in a style that was well
rehearsed. This was stark in that she wrote very little yet with such precision that her few words
hid a wealth of information.
LITTLE GIRL
Good girl
Building walls
Catching others
When they fall
Hide my pain
Behind
The wall
Horrid girl
Climbing walls
Waving flags
Above the parapet
To be seen
To be found
To be
Fighting girl
Reloading
The ammunition
To shoot
The target
A tiny self
To pieces
Dangerous girl
Budging bricks
One
Nearly falls
To reveal
This is
All about me
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Frightened girl
Afraid of losing
Everything
And ending up
With
Nothing
At all
Buttoned up girl
Terrified
Of men
Who steal
Making
Me
Of no value
Angry girl
Not really here
Not wanting
To play
The game
That someone else
Has set
Hurt girl
Shocked
By talking about
A nothing
That came too close
To being
An abusive something
Incapable girl
Hands everything
Over to others
Preferring
Not to see
The unknown
Inside me
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Christian girl
Shouldering the devil
Who beseeches me
To disappear
Into
An insignificant
Self
Grieving girl
Seeking
Love
From mother
Who had gone
Long before
She was lost
Strong girl
Falls
Picks me up
And I feel
Shout
I am not
Bambi
Powerful girl
Taking off
In a red
Two seater
Convertible
Sports car
Dust rising
Poetic girl
Carving images
In
Fleeting words
Catching
All my selves
Changing
Little Girl chose not to write on the text of the analysis, so there are fewer responses from her
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than from other participants. However participants were given this choice and she gave
comprehensive feedback on a separate sheet.
Little Girl‟s journal demonstrates many aspects of her growing selves and this is what I tried to
include in the above poem. She never previously realized how much she still needed to grieve for
the mother who died during her childhood. The grieving girl was still being discovered and
allowed to feel even during the feedback on the analysis. This surprised her and she wrote: “on
re-reading the entry (about her loss) I felt so sad - almost moved to tears - that I had felt this
way” (LG). It was as if she momentarily met the howling of her own soul. This entry was also
one that she singled out as having a good fit between the category towards containment-freedom
and the journal entry. She states:
“As my journal entry suggested, I had lost her long before she died (in my mind) and
the holding of the counsellor gave freedom to voice this notion” (LG).
It felt she was moving towards the freedom to contain her own affect and she confirms this in her
sense of needing the holding of the counsellor to give her the freedom she was still learning to
give herself.
There seemed to be opposition between her seeing herself as a capable independent adult and
seeing herself as a grieving dependent child. This was a powerful battle but the tension created
enabled movement. In wanting to hand everything over to others she became the child, the
Beauty who denied her own anguish. But in imagining the red two-seater sports car she seemed
to be taking her power and uniting with the Beast who could protect and drive her.
There was also opposition in how she saw herself. She saw herself as a Christian yet found
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herself listening to the „devil‟. But meeting both the Christian and the devil as different selves
enables the child who is fearful of disappearing to be heard. Perhaps this allowed the spilt off
parts of her psyche (Maltby 2003) to have a voice. Opposition seemed to enable her to think for
herself, to find her own opinions and even her own faith rather than following those who appear
more powerful. The good girl had always done, thought, even believed what she was told by
others. The „horrid‟ girl (the Beast) perhaps wanted to be seen and found by her. There was a real
sense of her doing this almost without knowing it at the time. In our final meeting she was proud
of having her own faith and opinions.
Commenting on when the analysis of an entry and a construct did not fit Little Girl was able to
comment:
“Week 19 I am not so clear about a parallel here. My anger was aimed at a fellow
student. I had worked hard at exploring myself and my history and becoming more
aware both of myself and others during the counselling course but, during a group
sculpting session, she positioned me as separate with my back to the rest of the
group. This was quite distressing” (LG).
It seems I had been unable to decode her entry, yet the anger and hurt felt by me did seem to be
correct. It also felt difficult for her to see the entry from another perspective. But for her, it was
about a very specific event. What feels important is that she was able to comment. She wrote that
when I got something wrong there was a feeling that my insight had let me down rather than her
feeling anger or sadness that she had been misinterpreted.
Like other participants there was a strong sense of Little Girl searching for herself. This seemed
to be a real impetus in helping her continue her journey through the counselling and research.
However at times she seemed unable to take what was offered to her in the counselling. This is
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clear in her feedback where she seems to want to show me how far she has come. She writes in
her comments:
“Even at this distance in time I can clearly recall the main thrust of particular
sessions and see in my mind the main protagonists. For example, week twenty
referred to my fears for my own daughter‟s well being and a dream that left me in the
wings while she tried to dance but fell. The counsellor seemed to disapprove of an
„over dependent inter-relationship‟ which I could not (or did not want to) see. What I
now understand is that a woman bereaved of her mother in childhood will seek to
reclaim that mother/daughter relationship through her own daughter and that that
relationship may become unhealthily inter-dependent for both of them” (LG).
At the time she was unable to take what was offered by the counsellor, as if she was not ready.
However she seems to have made good use of the whole process of her collaboration in the
research, perhaps because time passing enabled her to change and accept what was previously
unacceptable. She came to see a dual process in her journals that she had not seen before. The
fact that an experience in the journal symbolized a past event enabled her to learn more about
herself. She had not understood the possibility of this dual process previously, in that the past
may affect how she is in the present. It also turned something that she had first seen as an
intellectual exercise into a much more personal journey:
“When the analysis, entry and process were „in synch‟ it was very revealing and
pleasing to see interpretations of my journey that I had not seen” (LG).
The fact that Little Girl used the research so well for herself demonstrates how being a
participant gave her a great deal. She learned more about herself and about the counselling
process as well as contributing and sharing herself through the research.
In her feedback she felt that the least helpful part of the research was the time lapse between
sending me the journal and the follow up analysis. However when we met she seemed to have
changed her mind about this. She realized while we were talking that if she had received the
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analysis earlier she might not have been in a place where she could have understood or agreed
with some of it. She had also gained a stronger sense of her life story in that her story is still
growing and she could see this in the process of being a participant. She was not sure about the
construct for she did not feel the categories had stayed with her. But she felt she “sometimes had
a sense of the opposition happening, but don‟t ask me to give a talk about it”(LG). She also
wrote in her feedback:
“On reading the analysis and rationale I can see parallels with some of my own client
work and I am sure I will gain useful insights into some of these therapeutic
relationships” (LG).
So it seems something from the research process has stayed with her. The most helpful part of
the research for her was keeping the journal for she feels it has given her a memoir of her
journey through counselling. She felt that the way she was asked to write the journal was
important for her:
“I think that the means of presentation really suited my style of thinking and writing
and made it easier to maintain both the presentation and the continuity. I naturally
veered towards a poetic feel as this is how I have processed my thoughts and feelings
in the past and it seemed to best reflect my feelings at the time” (LG).
This indicates that the way participants were asked to write suited the task as writing short
phrases fitted with the counselling experience in that it helped condense affect and image
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